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Thanks Bettina and Mattie. I've been thinking more and more of leaving my AH. I wish he would take responsibility for himself, but he's often blaming me or others, not about his drinking but about everything else. Now, he doesn't come out and say I or they cause him to drink, he just drinks after he gets worked up by someone, anyone. His rages are hardly ever when he's drunk. I stay away from him then but when he is drinking and has his friends around, he is a happy drunk. Most of the time, the outbursts and anger happens the next morning or afternoon when he's not drinking, either that or I get the silent treatment which can be just as bad sometimes. At first I was thinking that I did something to make him that way, now I know it's associated with the day(s) after. I don't know if I could handle years of this but I've already handled it for a few years.. The other thing I notice lately is that his weekend binges are now taking more out of him, because when he's not working, he will vegetate on the couch for most of the week until it's the weekend again, which almost always involves drinking, but he will also drink during the week when the opportunity arises. For a while I thought he was getting so much better, but now he buys the bottle so it's harder to know, not as obvious as a can of beer, but usually if there is a glass involved, it's got coke and alcohol in it. I still smell it on him. Will he get better and give up drinking, will he stay the same or get worse? I feel terrible even thinking about leaving, but I find myself thinking about it more often, that's how much this situation is getting to me. I just wish he would quit drinking and quit being so mean when he's not.
-- Edited by dori711 on Sunday 29th of September 2013 12:17:20 AM
Aloha Dori...it is as it is supposed to be with the disease, with him and with you and the only thing you can change is you. His blowing up has nothing to do with you is right on from Bettina. He is angry with himself...he cannot beat his addiction and the pain it is causing him, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically. He yells at him self inside himself and needs a proxy or proxies to bring it outside himself. He is afraid...very afraid and he won't...no can't say it out loudly. He has an unrelenting master...the genie in the bottle and if he doesn't drink he hurts and if he does he hurts. The compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. Is isn't about you and might be about your feelings reflecting him back on himself. That may sound deep however body language is the larger percentage of communications not only what we say and how we say it. Hope you're getting to face to face meeting and listening to the suggestions on how to work the program because this does work when you work it. It works for you. Read Bettina's statement about when she changed accepting blame again. She overcame the fear of doing it and then did it and things changed. Keep coming back....(((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Sunday 29th of September 2013 12:53:00 PM
He never quit drinking, but he cut down a bit or maybe not. I thought I had mastered the step to not nag him about his drinking and I haven't been. Sometimes I cry silently, but say nothing. The problem that I am having a hard time with is his temper. Usually he loses it with me. We use to work as a team with ideas for the house and other things, now, take today for instance, I seen that he missed a piece of insulation and he literally blew up with me, saying I have to stick my nose in everything he does and that I'm never happy or appreciate anything he does. It's been the same scenerio over and over again with him losing it over nothing, and it's always my fault. I can honestly say that hurts me because it is not true. I feel so darn misunderstood at times. I use to be able to talk with him. What I see as normal questions or suggestions, he sees as an attack or is offended, and I am the one that ends up taking the blame and guilt on me, it's all my fault. Now, he left the house, for what I assume is for another drinking binge so he can share with all his drinking buddies how unappreciative his wife is. He doesn't apologize anymore, it's just left with the problem being my fault not his. I must drive him to drink. I think I make one mistake over and over again when I tell him he is hurting me when he loses it and blows up at me for nothing. I can't take much more of this.
That's what he want's you to believe. That you drive him to drink.
Try to understand his blowing up has nothing to do with you. don't accept any part of his responsibility.
It's a terrible place that they put us in. Once I let my husband know that I knew the game he was playing and I called him on it and each time he did it, I called him on it again. He finally stopped trying to blame me.
Didn't stop him from drinking, but he quit trying to blame it on me.
You can choose what you want to do you can either detach from it like it has nothing to do with you or let him know you know and not in a mean way.
Don't go around feeling guilty, its not your fault, you didnt cause it.
Remember that you don't have to take much more of this. It's always a choice. Generally most people don't change. What would you decide if you knew things were going to be just the same five and ten years from now?
my exA worked at a building supply...and knew all the local plumbers, contractors, well-drillers...so when we did a major remodel on the house, he hired all his buddies (he wanted to give his friends the work) to do the work. This also happened to coincide with a major relapse and then job loss for him. All along the way, during the remodel, I would mention this or that thing that I didn't think was done right..and I would get yelled at and told I didn't know anything..after all HE was the expert....even when my hot tub faucet handles were installed so they both go the same way...I was being a B#@$% ...and was NEVER happy...I just could NEVER be pleased...
fast forward...bankruptcy, separation, divorce...I now have a 240K mortgage...the well doesn't work, the roof leaks, I had to spend an additional 5K to get the furnace fixed (it was installed improperly)...and on one income now I can't afford to get the mess he and his buddies made fixed...
I wish, so much, that I had trusted my instincts at the time...and stood my ground...it would have saved me thousands of dollars and lots of headache...Now I have an 8K drilled well and water cleaning system that is non-functional...and I need $3500 to get it operational...
the funny thing is, my exA tells everyone that he let me have the house (how magnanimous of him)..what he neglects to mention to people is that he left me with the mortgage, too...and a money pit...
stand your ground with the insulation...it's YOUR home too.
hang in there,
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Sunday 29th of September 2013 06:48:40 AM
His behaviour is unacceptable - of course you are not to blame for mentioning insolation!!!! Alcoholics love to project their guilt onto others, thats what they do - it keeps the cycle going for a while longer especially if you take it in. My ex done this often the pattern was he would drink - he would feel guilt that was a tad uncomfortable so a great way to get rid of this PASS it on. So in comes me, make some remark or other, doesnt really matter what I say but he finds the magic words and hey presto he offloads his pain onto me then of course I take it all to heart and this helps him reinforce the blame - it must be her fault because she is blaming herself. Denial at work. Only you can break this cycle because if you dont then this is it. His words are irrational, his views and opinions are irational and not based on truth, you cant trust 1 word he says. So why take it in as truth? Next time do not accept his abuse - you could say ' I will not listen to you when you speak to me this way' and walk out. Leave him with his pain - it belongs to him let him own it. If he blames you for anything say 'Im sorry you feel that way' dont argue or defend thats playing right into his hands.
Living with irrational people is like being in a mental war zone. He feeds on your guilt, and insecurities. This allows him to keep his disease alive. Dont play the part.
Guess renovations don't help matters. It frustrates them even more. I have stuff in this house that has been installed up side down, backwards and missing pieces, he doesn't cover anything so paint ends up on the floor, carpet etc...he just doesn't care like he use to. He's become careless and it's costing us.
As for the insulation, I had no choice but to walk out of the room, because when I tried to explain, he was yelling over my voice so couldn't get a word in edge wise.
It ain't easy and it is very sad. I hope that it helps you to know that IT IS NOT YOU. In fact, just this morning I have been told, on good authority by my AH (an expert in all things DIY and relational) that it (I'm not sure what it stands for though), but whatever it is, it is definitely my fault!!! Apparently something to do with my childhood upbringing. He says that it must be true because it is a view shared by not one, but two of his counsellors. Where do they get their information from I wonder?
In other words, you are not alone and your other half is not nearly as unique as he might like to think he is either.
One day, when I was buying into all the guilt and thinking 'gosh, I must try harder' I offloaded to a friend and had a jolly good moan. She has a lovely laugh and, with a smile in her voice she said 'Milkwood, of course its your fault! Whose else could it possible be????' Well that made me laugh out loud and I've never let AH rope me in quite as much since.
The way I see it is that AH gets a very big reward for his outbursts - he gets to either have a drink, or, when he is doing the dry drunk journey, he gets to bath in self pity - all because of his wife (or the remote, or his client or the weather etc etc). As Jerry has pointed out, AH also knows that this blaming stuff is rubbish and just an excuse, he just can't admit it though, and the remorse sends him spinning all over again. I try to assume that AH knows when he is being an idiot and I try to leave it to him to figure out what to do about it. In our household things get a bit better when I just say 'oh, really?' There is nothing worth explaining when AH is pointing the finger.
We have just come to the end of a 6 year restoration project and there is plenty that has gone wrong or not been done properly during that time. So I'm thankful to have learnt to mix cement, point walls, plaster, tile (floors and walls!). I can think of some things that I would have preferred to be doing but it is my house as well and I want to make the best of it. If I can't do it myself, and AH is not responding to requests for help, then I pick up the phone and call someone else who can do it. As I see it two months is long enough to give AH his chance to be the man around the house! (BTW, In the early days of our project we went for two years without a kitchen sink - even though AH was inviting neighbours over for dinner!! I was washing up and peeling veg in a bucket and then slinging the dregs out of the door like a true washer woman! What was I thinking? Two years?!!!!)
PS. Believe me, you do not drive anyone to drink and you were, IMHO, spot on to walk out of the room if your partner was yelling at you. It is a good choice to make. Enjoy the peace.
When I'm mad at the disease of alcoholism, I try to reflect on what good things have been brought into my life as a result. It's never fun to come into contact with the disease, but certainly - pointing a finger at the individual suffering and saying they want it to be that way would be a bit naive. Of course the disease wants it a certain way - and can turn lots of humans into it's puppets if they pick up a drink or not. That is the sad truth, but my father didn't ask to grow up to be a mean obnoxious know it all drunk. That of course, is the disease that must use him to live.
I can be very very angry about that if I'm on a path to recovery - because it is about acknowledging my feelings, and facing them. Sharing them, and taking away their power over me. The program teaches me to be grateful for another day to live and grow and look at these lessons as opportunities to learn from my HP, and learn about myself.
My husband explodes when I show any sort of 'need'. When I 'need' something done straight, or correctly, or whatever - he can only hear "I'm not good enough" because that is how the disease has turned him into a puppet for it's game. He was raised by an adult child of an alcoholic, and he has the same symptoms of alcoholism as his grandfather did, because his mother was a puppet to the disease, and passed on just how to be one to him - without ever picking up a drink. No one ever picked up a drink that he could see, so it all seems unreal and far away, but still - the un manageability and the powerlessness is just as real for him, and for me, as when I watched my father finish off another quarter barrel. It all came from shame passed on for who knows how long.
Most likely, your significant other is not only an alcoholic, but also has been raised in an alcoholic home or his parents were. This means that shame and blame have crushed his soul before he ever drew his first breath. You pay for that shame because of the shame brought to you that most likely goes back generations. We attract people with just as much of it as us - because that "DISEASE" needs certain conditions to live. It's got a hold of us sometimes quietly in the dirty look our mother gave us when we didn't do it just right - or the times our father paid no attention - or the scolding for just being a noisy, messy kid like we were supposed to be. If you dig - you will find it... I can almost guarantee it. Suppressed self, turns into false self, and true self? Well - it's gone - and only the puppet is left trying to act out roles it doesn't even understand.
Until that shame and false self and ego is healed through the steps - positive affirmations - sharing - meetings - helping others - listening - being open to a HP's love for you... the cycle just repeats - repeats - repeats...
Today I have worked very hard on healing the shame in my household. All I have is today again. I plan to do that again tomorrow if I get another day on this Earth. My children hear that bad choices are a reflection of me. If I raise my voice as my parents did - and theirs did - I bring shame. I can heal it by reminding my children that it is ME who made a bad choice, and not anything to do with them. If I make a choice to behave badly - I am only causing myself to feel bad about myself. It's a sad thing, but it is for me to correct and has nothing to do with them. I let them know that the God I know, doesn't want me to feel badly about myself, so I will try harder and never stop recommitting to being kind for ME - and because THEY TOO deserve to treated kindly. That no matter what - I love them and I'm am sorry for my behavior. They have the right to say "It's not okay with me that you yelled" I have the opportunity to look at it as talking back - or a lesson loving and healing from my HP. The jig is up for my kids - I chose lesson every time. No more tug o wars. If they're right - they get to hear it. They get to love themselves to the moon and back, and believe it when it's said to them.
That is new. That is a NEW freedom from the bondage of self - that has gone on for many generations in my family. It's more stellar than being the first to graduate college - or the first in my family to walk on the moon even! Just to LOVE to the moon and back is a MIRACLE!
My husband gets to hear that no matter if I want the table wiped clear after he eats there, I will not IMPLODE if he just says "I don't feel like it" and walks away. The words that heal shame are "I love you just the way you are." He doesn't need me to tell him that, he needs to know that deep down there is a HP that believes that, and believe it himself.
I couldn't hear those words either - I couldn't believe it. No matter how many people said it - I had to reject it because I was incapable of knowing that. Alcoholism took that from the first part of my life growing up with my father - and now it has given me back something much richer - deeper - wider. A NEW perspective on life - a NEW freedom and a NEW happiness that I couldn't possibly be capable of feeling or knowing and being grateful for, without having alcoholism touch my life. That is what our program offers if we follow simple steps that lead us to an all loving HP. Knowing true hunger - makes the sweet taste of the apple so much sweeter. : )
I can pray that the cycle be broken for you - and for the one in your life that has also been ripped apart and put back together like a crooked puppet in a glass house. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, powerful. Without help, it is too much for us - whether we ever drink it or not. Please keep reaching out for help as you're doing here. Together, we can heal the shame, and go on to live in a way our HP would smile from ear to ear about. If you ask yourself today - "would my all loving HP want me to take the blame for a disease millions of years old?" No. I can't believe that and be happy, and I don't believe you can either. I hope you will come to see that it's bigger than us, though it appears to be a mans choice in actions that hurt you - it is the disease that is in control of him now. Be angry with that disease - but then be on the road to solutions with the program and fellowship.
Do what you need to do to recover from the affects it has had on you, and pray for him that his time to recover is soon. Everything else - leave up to God. He knows what's best. Find a way to trust that.
-- Edited by Tasha on Tuesday 1st of October 2013 04:46:18 PM
