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My BF is an alcoholic/addict. Right now he is using but had a 5 month sober period. He says I'm never happy, even when he was sober he says I was never satisfied. Is this uncommon? I feel as though he may be right....he is drinking and using I'm enraged. If he is sober then I always figure he will mess it up anyway so I'm always on the defense, keeping myself protected (or so, I think). Resentments will eat you alive.
I resent my mother who didn't protect me from the sexual abuse as a child. I resent my father for not doing anything about it. I resent the perpetrator who walks free. I resent my ex husband who I had two children with who is an active alcoholic, and I resent the man I am with now and the ride he has put me on with his alcohol crack addiction.
i know resentments will ruin you. Im going to Al Anon, and searching for a sponsor. I want to follow the steps. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't wan to judge or resent anymore. My boys need their mother back so desperately. Should I just quit talking to my alcoholic drug addicted boyfriend? Should I completely detach?
Sounds like you have some good awarenees. True or not, alcoholics/addicts use your words moods or whatever as an excuse to avoid sobriety and responsibility. It has zero to do with his using and if he tries to say otherwise, it's a giant cop out.
I agree with pink. Alcoholics turn everything around -- and use the people in their lives as scapegoats...and excuses to say "poor me poor me pour me a drink"
I was terribly unhappy living with my exA. And, yes, I was never happy...but how can you be when there are head games, lying, verbal abuse...I am learning that it wasn't necessarily me...but how I changed when he was around...
I resent my mother who didn't protect me from the sexual abuse as a child. I resent my father for not doing anything about it. I resent the perpetrator who walks free. I resent my ex husband who I had two children with who is an active alcoholic, and I resent the man I am with now and the ride he has put me on with his alcohol crack addiction.
i know resentments will ruin you. Im going to Al Anon, and searching for a sponsor. I want to follow the steps. I don't want to be angry anymore. I don't wan to judge or resent anymore. My boys need their mother back so desperately. Should I just quit talking to my alcoholic drug addicted boyfriend? Should I completely detach?
The only way you are going to work through this is to GO THROUGH it...with the sponsor guiding you through the steps and you need to work them hard....I was in your shoes at one time....resentment deluxe....hate...anger.....mad at the offender who abused me.......angry and resentful at creator, even., resentful to all who did not help me....I was a mess AND picked low percentage relationships b/c I did not love me enough to think I deserved different.
NOW....different story....I am not where , yet, I want to be, but I am sooo far from where I was, I am even losing the resentments b/c for once in my life I am focusing on ME>...not the jerks who hurt me......I am focusing on me..........i vented, raged, etc., but I worked the steps over and over and will till I die.....and guess what??? today was a big test for me w/my cousin.....i just was not interested in the past and rehashing it......I am eager for my NOW and my healthier tomorrows.....
are you getting to any meets???? are you reading the steps as you search for sponsor???? you gotta work this full bore if you ever want to get free of the crap that clogged up your past and thus your current life......
I dated guys that drank too much...married two of them why???? b/c I did not love me enough to think I deserved any better....I was in my mind "damaged goods" well I dont' think that anymore......the program helped saved me......if it can save me, it can save you too......
I would love to see posts about what you are doing to take care of you....what steps progress you are enjoying, what did u learn in a meeting........the boards here are not enough.......U need more.......meetings....sponsor work........the STEPS........slogan practice.......reading your literature and meditating and focusing on it.........practicing what you learn that applies to you........
this boyfriend is gonna keep playing head games on you until you shut it down........you shut it down by DETACHING from his head games and not "going there" with him........let him BS the wind, i wouldn't listen to him.......shut down the conversation when it gets negative like that......thats what i do now.......i just don't "go there" with anyone.......you can do this..........you CAN you CAN but you gotta hunger for this program like a shark on a minnow...........the harder you work on program, the better and quicker you will re-claim that you that got lost soo long ago.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm at the beginning of my recovery. I'm still trying to figure things out. I am going to a lot of al anon meetings. I AWANA a sponsor, but I want to find the right person to be my sponsor. I'm still searching, and have a couple in mind. The recovery process is new for me. I've spent a lot of time not focusing on myself but the alcoholic.
Im trying to put this in gods hands. I'm trying. This morning I went to a meeting. Without al anon I would be a wreck.
I'm at the beginning of my recovery. I'm still trying to figure things out. I am going to a lot of al anon meetings. I AWANA a sponsor, but I want to find the right person to be my sponsor. I'm still searching, and have a couple in mind. The recovery process is new for me. I've spent a lot of time not focusing on myself but the alcoholic.
Im trying to put this in gods hands. I'm trying. This morning I went to a meeting. Without al anon I would be a wreck.
Hey, I was a beginner too....we all were....things that are worthwhile (my peace and serenity and healthy self love) take time to reclaim.....Glad u r searching for a sponsor....it will come at the right time.....i would read folks posts here, see if someone resonates w/you and mabe have an online sponsor and then when you get a few meets under your belt, maybe you can find sponsor , face to face at a meet......glad u r here.........this program saved my life.....I had to reach out for it......I had to do the work.....i had to decide I wanted my life back, perhaps for the first time.......I tell my kids....."LIFE is a CHOICE away".......i am glad u r here.........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I'm trying! I know I'm worth it. I'm starting to be able to breathe again now that he is out of the house. I find myself making excuses to all to hihim and meet up with him. I know deep down I need to let him go. We both can't handle a relationship right now, we are both sick. Some days are just really hard for me, particularly at night. Night time is rough for me. I'm not sure why. I'm trying, trying to love myself the way I should be loved.
Yes! I'm searching for a sponsor! Online and face to face!
Of course u r worth it. We all are and when that truth really sinks onto the heart. Good stuff begins to happen. I agree. I swore off all relationships till I knew I was. Ok enuf to deal with it and to NOT lose me in process. Take care
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You get to do recovery at your own pace. If he's gotta problem with you - then it's his problem, not yours. You're on HP's watch - not the BF's.
Some day - maybe he'll figure out that life isn't all about him. I can send out a prayer for that. I like to pray for those still suffering - and it changes my attitude on it too. This program is about action - and praying for those we resent is an action (IMO). He sure wasn't hoping to be a selfish jerk when he grew up. No one does. I imagine my alcoholic father as a little 5 yr old boy with the whole world ahead of him when I'm feeling hurt. It helps me to remember that no one would chose to be an addict or a prick. He didn't dream of being this - it's a sad thing, and it probably goes back for generations for him.
Beyond that - keeping the focus on me, and what I can do to help me - is the next step. I can work on me to break the cycle, and to live a better life, and pass on a better life to my kids. I'm nothing to anyone - if I'm not being good to me and staying healthy and balanced.
My daughter was at the roller rink today. Some older girls pointed at her and laughed at her for some reason, and she came running to me crying and in my arms she hid. (She's 4)
She told me what they had done, and couldn't bring her face out into the world again. I told her "if those girls are pointing and laughing at you, it's about them. They are making a bad choice, and will feel bad about themselves for it. The problem isn't about you at all! The problem is in them! You know you're awesome... that's all that matters!"
She wiped her eyes, looked up at me and said "really?" Sniffed a couple times, and then smiled and zoomed off with a smile to play again.
So me personally? I had to be 33 to hear that and listen and let it click. Now when people have a problem with me, I remember that it's not about me - it's about them, and move on. I will handle my stuff, and I get to look at my part in things through working the steps.
I hope you will take it to heart, "run off and play" with a smile on your face too. Do something nice just for you today... you deserve it. You didn't ask for all this either. These things go way back. We are all here for reasons 100's of years old usually. Another thing you will get to look into and accept for what it is in this program work.
So you're doing great it seems! Keep up the good work on reaching out and loving yourself : )
That was me too Heron...trauma and drama...wanna, wanna, wanna...trying to force things to happen before they should just because. This was the time for me that I was told to sit down, shut up and listen and then practice, practice, practice and I didn't know and didn't know that I didn't know and then found out that serenity just doesn't come cause I wanna. I had to practice what the others in the room said they were doing that got them peace of mind and serenity. I had to stop trying to force it before its time and I was frustrated alot until I learned that patience actually is the opposite of frustration as I was being taught by my sponsor who a former sponsor pointed me at. Get that...a sponsor selecting another sponsor for me because they had just fired me for trying to do a new thing which I knew nothing about to happen without experience. I was a blob...a mess and I was like that mexican jumping bean inside of an empty coffee can...just riccochetting off of the walls making a whole buncha noise. The program and my meetings has tolerance and acceptance of me so wide that it takes my breath away when I think of it still.
Of course you're never satisfied...who in the hell in their right mind and emotions would be satisfied living in such chaos?!! Who in their right mind believes that this is how I should live and desired to live in all the time. Where the hell is Snow White, Cindarella and the fairy god-mother...why the hell did I end up with the frog who cannot even stay up on a lily pad? Why did God do this to me?....and then I found out...it was because I should have been in the program a longer time ago. I'm glad I reached it when I did...just days before I ended my life and surprises of all surprises!! I did get to end my life successfully...not by killing myself and by killing how I lived it. Now I have a life I wouldn't forfit for anything or...anyone.
He doesn't get to tell you what the real picture is...cause he is under the influence and isn't qualified to tell anyone. He doesn't even get to take your inventory because he hasn't learned to take his own. Fire him as a higher power...take the risk of asking someone who appears to know how to work the program well and if they say yes; let them lead you...not the other way around. Find a/your higher power...trust it and then start cleaning your own house. This works when you work it much better than most any other thing. In support. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Active addicts are very well-practiced and clever manipulators. His alcoholism- you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. Before Alanon, I'd hang on his every word... listening to the disease talking as it chipped away pieces of my soul. I didn't have the program's skills, support, and tools; I felt angry, hurt, and helpless watching my active A pilot our relationship to crazytown. I have come to know that negative self talk, second guessing, and self-doubt inside my head is the disease talking and does not represent who I am or what I really think deep down in my heart of hearts. The more I work the program, the better life goes for me.
I'm glad you're coming back and are practicing the first few steps. Be gentle with you. I understand wanting to find the right person as a sponsor, and you'll find someone that you'll be comfortable asking. If they aren't able to, then have a back up person in mind. The sponsor doesn't have to be perfect; just someone who's been in the program - maybe you would like to see yourself as serene or happy as they are. In the meantime, it may be helpful to call some one on the phone list. This program does work and you're worth it!
There are very good reasons not to be satisfied with an alcoholic or addict. Who would be? Heck, not even alcoholics or addicts are satisfied with their fellow alcoholics/addicts!
Someone without a good long (years) stint of dedicated recovery is probably not able to be healthy in a relationship. So there are very strong reasons not to be satisfied with that either.
One of the problems I had was feeling like I should be happy when the conditions for healthy happiness were absent. I blamed myself -- "Why can't I just stop being upset about this terrible treatment? If I could only stop being upset, everything would be fine!" But actually, being upset was the one healthy response I had. My upsetness was trying to protect me.
Wow! This really hit the heart of it for me. Thank you so much for this personal moment you are exploring.
I have been falling for this for a long time now. I had not identified it in my life. So much guilt for not being happier, or "making us Happier".
I am humbled at the insight here.
Thank you so very much .
I will soften my attitude and explore my own environment more honestly.
You have opened my eyes.
(((HEronbeach))) you are not alone.
upset and unhappy in living with an A? i guess every healthy person is or would be....and becomes unhealthy along the way trying to adjust. That's how people try to survive, that's not who we are or who we can be at our best.
I can only share where i am and what i'm doing right now:
I am learning to focus on my own life, forgive myself and LOVE myself. those are 3 things that take all my time and energy for the moment. Other lessons are coming along the way, like detaching and letting go happens simultaneously, because I can't focus on so many things at the same time ....the healing now is about me, not about them. The mistake i did for so long was not taking care of ME. ... so many wounds to heal, so many corners that i didn't look and clean up, so many boundaries that i didn't keep. and one other thing: what attracted AND annoyed me in my A were traits and issues that I needed to focus on in myself, like reflections in a mirror. some things he said were true, they were like hints for my own recovery.I learned to see what was true and what was just his denial and manipulation talking. When we detach we can see that more clearly, because we are back with ourselves. And no one knows me better than myself. 'our enemies can our best teachers, if we are open, honest and brave enough to accept the lessons.' i take that and that helps me turning it around, not being a victim, and trying to see where I need to change and how I can get healthy in such a way that those abusive people naturally don't come near me anymore, or don't have effect on me anymore. yes, if someone has a problem with me and who I am or how i am, it is their problem..that's how these dynamics work between people. This is a very difficult thing to accept and live.
I'm still in the process...and probably always will. But it's fun learning to see what's true and what isn't. and love and serenity is at the end of it all. i'm convinced of that.
take what you want and leave the rest.
Your awareness is really good. That will help you a lot along the way, to stay with yourself. you know what you are worth. and you are worth your LOVE.
keep coming back.
Hugs to you (((((Heronbeach))))))
What wonderful awareness you have, and great motivation as well. Your post has unleashed some really good feedback as well. Thank you for sharing your question, the answers you've received have been a great reminder for me, at a time when I was forgetting how to look after myself. I think that it is very easy for us to be hard on ourselves for negative thought processes. I find it good to question why I'm having such thoughts from time to time. I ask myself 'how am I with that?' And often as not the thoughts fade away and I am left feeling that actually, I'm doing ok! Who'd have thought it?? Take good care of you.
Many of us have heard similar or the same from our As. I was just looking though old posts being reminded about how at one point my A said he thought I resented him getting sober ( he didn't...he went to an AA mtg after an all night bender and didn't understand why I wasn't doing cartwheels and throwing a parade over that one mTg). Also, that he would have no problem getting sober if he had a loving and supportive wife. It's crazy making. One thing that I have heard here is simple but very helpful: the reason As drink is because they are alcoholics. Their sobriety cannot and should not depend on where we are at. Sobriety comes first period.
Glad you are here--you will receive a ton of support here :)
There are some amazing responses here, so I don't have much to add except i have been EXACTLY where you are.
When I first came into the rooms someone told me something that helped me so incredibly much - I don't have to decide what to do about my relationship with the A today. He wasn't being physically violent to me or abusive in a way that was immediately life threatening, so I breathed an extreme sigh of relief and allowed myself some space to develop self awareness without the burden of whether or not I should sever ties.
Like others said, the A's will say and do whatever is it they can (I honestly believe they do not do this intentionally, it is a clear defense mechanism for their disease) to deflect responsibility for the chaos that addiction and alcoholism causes. For me, this was one of the best ways to suck me in and participate in the crazymaking. I was definitely someone who questioned alot of my reality growing up and was told to ignore my instincts, so it easily played into alot of "old stuff" for me. Only when i was able to detach completely from his words (it helped to picture a big, neon sign, bar-esque, that flashed "SICK" on his forehead) that I could see the lack of logic behind them.
I think you make a good point when you say - should you detach completely. I used to think that detaching completely meant giving up on the relationship, our future, any of that -- for each person/couple I believe the journey(s) are completely different -- but, it really just meant that I gave up on trying to fix him as a pathway to fixing me and connecting with me in the way I wanted, and took responsibility for myself and regained my power in the situation. I used to think that love was stronger than addiction -- if only I could make him see how wonderful his life with me would be, then he would have no need to escape via drugs. I didn't realize that I am human and addiction is powerful, baffling and cunning and possibly the only match for it is death. Once I embraced the fact that he would get clean/sober on HIS time and not on mine, and that everything I said and did ultimately had ZERO say in whether that was now or later, I freed up energy to focus on me. Yes, we can do many things that may make small, temporary changes. If the A's in our lives are extremely uncomfortable, they may make brief changes, but ultimately their path is theirs and ours is ours. You're never alone, keep coming back.
Like you, these meetings saved my life and gave me hope when I felt like I was spinning out of control. One day at a time they helped me learn to detach and live.
Good posts everyone. I would also add that even if you acted happy all the time, the A would likely say to self "Oh she's happy. Cool, I can go drink and drug now." Or it would be "OMG! She's so chipper all the time, let me go use drugs and alcohol to get away from that!!!" or "Why are you so freaking happy!? (then go drinking and use)" or "Awesome! You are happy! Time to celebrate with some drinking and drugging!" Basically, it matters not. The reason to be happy is for you obviously because as stated above, the A is going to drink and / or drug until they are done or until they die.
I have heard every possible excuse including the exact opposite of the one you mentioned which would come in the form of "I don't know how you (the non-A) can be so freaking happy all the time. I just can't be like that so I drink because you are always so cheery and happy and I can't feel that way." Knowing that the same disease can produce complete opposite excuses to defend "itself" is further evidence of the insanity of alcoholism/addiction don't you think?
Thank you Heronbeach for this topic and everyone who gave such great ESH! I've heard this very same thing from my A, and wow! You've all made my day too, because now I realize that I'm really not crazy;)
I agree with you all I know my A is like why are you not happy you got what you wanted me sober right? Becareful what you ask for he said you will be sorry. Dam if I only new I be taken down with him I would of thought about my wish again this time ask for me to survive this disease along with him if I new I was gonna be in the puddle of booze. It's crazy to say but I feel like I'm drunk now that he some what sober. I'm tunnel vision I'm in that thick fog looking for his support now , in the beginning before I new I was gonna drown I gave him a that a boy !! 2 months and 2 chips later I started to realize wait , what's happing here, why do I feel like my life just took a twist . Shouldn't I be still happy ? I was happy before but ,months gone bye more chips came in the house the more I sank , the focus should if been on me now . It should if been about me getting better now . When is it my turn to get a that a girl good job keep up the good work ms co dependent . You will get better keep trying I support you!!!!!!!! I don't here that all I here is if I don't get a meeting I won't get my chip .. Really is all about the getting better sober or the dam chip ? I know in Alaon we don't get a chip or anything to show our month non crazy . Like some one said already mine A exspect a card every month would like me to have a parade for him like he is a super star mean while he is like all the A. He no different from them . Why should he get special treatment . My A thinks the world should stop for a moment of happiness for him that he still sober . I'm sorry but my A drinking or dry or sober is still SELFISH . I would like the spot light for once , I like to be acknowledge for surviving in this disease . My A is counting the days down to get that big finally chip to say it's been one year!!!! Ok good for you glad your better your healthy I think my A thinks I'm going to throw him a party for his 1 year sobriety . Now that's a wet dream . All I know I don't have his support and I never will . I will always be 2nd in his eyes . I will never be healthier like him . I never drank but I feel like I'm a dry drunk .
Wow, you guys, so I'm not crazy after all? I feel like a nut case! I find the more I go to Al Anon the more I simply learn I'm just not alone. I have felt for so long that something is wrong with me and everything is always my fault. Being married to an alcoholic, and then having a following relationship with an alcoholic/addict distorts everything. I can't believe how co dependent I have become. I can't believe I neglected myself and my children for this long.
But,...life can only get better if I CHOSE to take steps to make it better. Man! It's hard! This disease sucks! It's hard to see someone you love suffer...it truly is. Thank you so much everyone for your kind words. You guys are part of the reason I am getting through this. I love each and everyone of you!
Ms co dependent I totally understand where you are coming from. Why is everything about the alcoholic? What about the people their people that put up with their bullshit for so long? i think this is where resentments come into play...if we don't let go of them we will never heal. I have a million resentments but have to let them go because I will never get better if I don't.
I will say, though, that for years my AH would scream at me that his drinking wasn't our problem. I fought against that concept in my head for a long time. Finally I realized that, shockingly enough, he is right. His drinking, in and of itself, is NOT our problem. The fact that he treats me like crap and is emotionally abusive to me, and has treated my daughters like second class citizens...THOSE are the problems. We have problems that are related to my attitudes and behaviors, too, of course. But for years my feelings have been marginalized and trivialized and dismissed. Everything is MORE for an A. When an A is sick, he's sicker than anybody else. When an A is sad, he's sadder than anybody else. When an A is struggling, his struggles are so much worse than anybody else's, that other peoples' feelings just don't matter at all. Not only do they not matter, but my A views other peoples' concerns, issues and complaints as an insult to HIS problems, because his problems are just so much worse than everybody else's. Nobody is able to say one even remotely negative thing around him. And Pinkchip is right...even if everyone around him was sunshine and lollipops 100% of the time, he would STILL be upset about what people around him are doing and saying.
Oh, you're not crazy! I used to think I was crazy because my AH would lie and it would sound so convincing and so real and I would feel badly if I didn't believe him. I have learned to search for the truth, using the program and calling my sponsor and friends in program, and also coming here. I use more wisdom and discernment to learn more about life and about me and about what is the truth and what is my reality. It's been eye opening, to say the least.
My AH was dry for 15 years and I never really put two and two together realizing that it was latent alcoholism. He never admitted to being an alcoholic, he just quit drinking on his own because he said it was stupid and a waste of money. He started drinking again about 3 years ago but he's a binge drinker so many of our conversations are held when he's sober. Some of the stuff he says sober is awful and I sometimes wish I could blame alcohol for what he says, but I can't. As Stephanie said, when an A is sad, he's sadder than everybody else. My AH has always been a victim and until that changes, our marriage is going nowhere. I commend you for taking steps towards your own healing. Keep coming back, keep going to Al Anon meetings, etc. It took me 6 months to find a sponsor, but I used those months to find meetings I was comfortable attending and I started reading all the books I could from the program. Hang in there, you are not alone!
I know that all of us living with an A have probably been told by the A that we're crazy, something's wrong with us...I know that I've been told that plenty of times. And the last time I agreed with my A. I told him "You're right, something is wrong with me, I must be crazy, because no sane person would ever put up with your crap!" Now, I know that wasn't what I should have said, but it felt really good to say it;)
It feels really good coming here too:)
....the healing now is about me, not about them. The mistake i did for so long was not taking care of ME. ... so many wounds to heal, so many corners that i didn't look and clean up, so many boundaries that i didn't keep. and one other thing: what attracted AND annoyed me in my A were traits and issues that I needed to focus on in myself, like reflections in a mirror. some things he said were true, they were like hints for my own recovery.I learned to see what was true and what was just his denial and manipulation talking. When we detach we can see that more clearly, because we are back with ourselves. And no one knows me better than myself. 'our enemies can our best teachers, if we are open, honest and brave enough to accept the lessons.' i take that and that helps me turning it around, not being a victim, and trying to see where I need to change and how I can get healthy in such a way that those abusive people naturally don't come near me anymore, or don't have effect on me anymore. yes, if someone has a problem with me and who I am or how i am, it is their problem..that's how these dynamics work between people. This is a very difficult thing to accept and live.
Take good care of you.