esh? work situation - Al-Anon Family Group

karma13 · Senior Member

esh? work situation

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

karma13 wrote:
I cross posted this on the other list I'm on so if you see this twice, ignore :)

I was also thinking about sending her a email, saying I thought we were friends and I trusted you and now I'm grieving our friendship, when we come to work on Monday let's keep it professional, with both of us just doing our jobs from here on out.

Hi Karma

I am so sorry for the difficult situation that you have encountered.

One question before you take any action- Who told you that she did this to you? Do you trust the person? Gossip is so dangerous so I would be careful

If you do trust the person then , like the idea that you shared and that I copied above.

Good Luck

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

I always try to sleep on things and see what clarity a new day brings.

You have been shown her true colours.I dont know the dynamic of your friendship but, personally, I wouldnt grieve the loss of such a friend

Is she after your job?

karma13 · Senior Member

I do trust the person that told me, it's complicated I work for my brother and sister, and my mom is the one that told me. My mom would never lie to me, however she loves to gossip ( no program) God love her she's 76, and I can't change her (lol). My mom did urge me to wait before I take any action, so with age brings a little wisdom. She said let's ride this out, and see what happens tomorrow. I'm not sure if she is after my job, it's funny though. My higher power spoke to me right before I got up, and he said " Don't let other peoples emotions and feelings affect you" and then I had a feeling earlier in the week, that she was jealous of the fact I make more money than her, but I let it go. Then right before my mom told me, I knew what she was going to tell me, without her telling me. So my intuition, is right on and my higher power is talking to me. I just need to slow down a bit and absorb it all.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

OK

so you are SURE your mom had it right re: this betrayal and "tattleing on you"

next step??? detachment.....do you job....be courteous.....deal w/her in a professional and courteous way and thats IT

if she wants to "lay her problems on you" Just tell her nicely that you are busy and you need to focus on the projects pending and leave it at that......

I never get mixed up w/work mates....i dont 'associate with them....trade personal stuff w/them unless a triviality like my new puppy, yea, shared her pic w/my work mates, but that was IT....I keep my stuff to myself

as to texting or phone on company time??? Keep it at a minimum.....prioritize your work and all should be fine

this gal stabbed you once, she will do it again, for sure.....betrayers are to be avoided........kept at a distance.....

i had a bad work mate who quit last week.....I killed her w/kindness, but never did anything out of my way but professional...if she needed to change her exemptions on her pay??? no problem......if she tried to dump her hubby's INS problems on me, I would just say, "sorry, I have so much to do, take care" and I would exit the convo......i was not interested and made sure she had NOTHING to "stab" me on

you never know.....work place sabotage, backstabbing, politics, toe stomping to get ahead, putting down co-workers to ingratiate themselves with the bosses, is rampant, especially with bad economy and folks wanting to make sure they are "secure" in their job.....so one tactic is to make SURE you look better than the other guy

that is why i stick to myself....do my job.....keep it professional and non personal.....when i come to work, i check my personal life at the door.......noone ever knows if my weekend was great or it sucked b/c I don't share

ok....lesson learned......now its time to keep her at a distance....she showed you she is a cut throat, take the lesson for what it is worth..........never never do anything that can get you in trouble and never never share your personal stuff on the job.........

sorry this happened, but now you know.....people will cut your throat for a dime.......the less they know about you, the less they can use against you......

you can be polite and courteous with this lady, but never let her in close to "get you" again......keep it cool and distant and professional........it will be ok...if u do a good job and the bosses respect you, they will blow it off what she said......people like that usually screw themselves in the end......

karma13 · Senior Member

Nice Nemesha ) I love your grace :) smoothness~ very nice...so I detach from her but I keep it kind~ Great esh~

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Also, I would not bother confronting her or even letting on anything....the fact that you are keeping her at a distance is nobody's business you have the sovereign right to back off a person w/no explanation if you don't want to give one... you dont' owe her a reason for "cooling" it with her....I don't mean snubbing her, still be nice, just NOT sharing anything and not doing ANY thing possibly against co. rules in front of her and no fraternizing w/her anymore........if she asks "whats the matter, your not as friendly as b4???" you can merely smile and just say that you would rather just practice being more professional at the workplace b/c it is easier to keep focused that way......and SMILE and leave it....

keep it nice...make sure if any nastiness happens its on her....not you.....

when I was working w/the "crap stirrer" , I kept it real nice.......smiled.....she would get nasty to me in front of folks and I would say something like "gee P, i am sorry you are having another bad day, I will send you smiles and happy thoughts" and I would smile and walk away

i never engaged her....never ever shared anything personal with her but I kept a sharp eye and took notes on all the times she used facebook on co. time...played on her iphone on company time...or was rude to someone...or on phone on personal tel calls........i just wrote in a little notebook all the "not cool" stuff she did on company time, JUST IN CASE i had to defend myself against any accusations......

i have now shredded my documentations, because she is gone.....replaced by a nice lady...... but I had a BUNCH of stuff.........I did this JUST in case she tried to get me fired............i would have called a meeting w/ the bosses and her and would have presented my notes...........it never happened, but I was prepared.

its called CYA....."cover your butt"......

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Lots of good ESH from others.

What you were planning to email is fine; when in doubt, don't also comes to mind. I like that you are waiting until you are more clear what gives you serenity.

It's my observation that those kinds of complaints to bosses usually are a reflection of the person who makes them, not of the person they're complaining about.

Part of my Alanon program is practicing staying on my side of the street, keeping it clean, and not taking or accepting things that don't belong to me. I actually tell myself, "Bud, leave it." (sounds like puppy training lol) In the case of a betrayal from a friend or loved one, I have used: "It's fascinating that you use words to hurt me, but I don't accept them, so I'm handing them back to you -where they belong. I wish you well." To terminate someone's emotional dumping (said unemotionally, maybe even with a kind smile to further deflect negativity): "I'm not comfortable discussing that." After I said my piece, I disengage or leave (maybe in a work situation, get busy with work) so there is no more opportunity for discussion.

in support

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

bud wrote:
"I'm not comfortable discussing that." After I said my piece, I disengage or leave (maybe in a work situation, get busy with work) so there is no more opportunity for discussion.

in support

I like this.....that is perfect for shutting down one who dumps their crap on you when u want NOTHING to do w/their personal stuff....keeping it work and work only.......and yea, after?? walk away and get busy on a project........LOVE this way of shutting it down...........its not mean....and there is NO real recourse they can do.....its final........thanks Bud, this is GREAT!!!!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This is why both your right hand and left hand are not permanently joined together. Bring them together around her in a hug and then separate them and let her go. You're not afraid of her soooo love her and let her go. ((((hugs)))) smile

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Glad if it helps. The other person may need to have the last word, but working our program, and not further engaging in conversation leaves the person talking to themselves... and I'm very ok with that!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Karma

This work situation sounds like a disaster ready to happen This girl and you work for YOUR SISTER and BROTHER. She told your brother (your boss )that you talk on the phone and do not do your job. This sounds like complete self sabotage to me. Your brother told your mother who told you. The family dynamics at work here are too complicated for me to even offer a true observation. I rescind my first recommendation

Good Luck

karma13 · Senior Member

I know what a big melodrama huh? Thank you all for your esh. I have decided I'm not going to say anything, I'm going to distance myself from her, but keep it kind. I will keep her in my prayers and I will hit a meeting in the morning

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I say this of course without knowing the real story. Is there any chance that you are on the phone or texting a lot at work? Sometimes it's unpleasant to hear that what we thought was just us being ourselves isn't right for the occasion. It stings to find that out. Heaven knows it's happened to me all too many times!

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

I wouldn't say anything. Nothing. Nada.

I would be ccordial and ask God for help in tolerating your discomfort when you do that, and any silences between you both.

she knows what she did and this is her issue now. I won't save others from their own discomfort Or mistakes. She can either do her own work and own it, in which case you can re-assess your interactions With her, but I have learned to just back off.

also, unless you are her or you were there you don't know that she "decided" to do this. Gossip is sometimes an impulsive slip of the tongue or other things are going on. I say that to help your hurt.

Either way it is on her.

for me, I don't run back for more, or try to "fix" it. I use it to grow.

one other thing here...don't treat yourself as if you did something wrong and hide in false sshame and fear.

God bless.

WorkingThroughIt · ~*Service Worker*~

After reading Betty's share, if this person has been a real friend and you feel that it is a true friendship, maybe Betty's suggestion could work too and her point is valid, that maybe someone else is trying to "divide and conquer". Maybe asking her calmly is the best option. However, Inwould face my fears of confrontation and ask her in person and watch her response carefully. Then you will know for sure. Trust what you see and just let her respond.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My own thoughts after reading this is "How important is it?" If you've learned that she isn't going to keep your calls and texts to herself, I guess I'd still enjoy what I can enjoy about her but not trust her to keep quiet with the boss when she sees something she thinks is a problem in the workplace. Maybe her first loyalty is to the boss? If she didn't say it with any malice but it was seized upon by the boss as a problem, that might be revealed at a later time? I'd think I'd also just watch what I said or did around her until I felt it safe to trust her again if for now I don't trust her? I don't think I'd say anything in a case like this unless it would improve a situation that affects everybody? Sometimes, I can make mountains out of a molehill by making something more important in my mind than it really is?

I also would use my breaks for phone calls and texts. I have an assistant who is paid by the hour. She works part-time. I would see it to be a betrayal of our donors' trust in us if she was using work time to make personal phone calls or texting. Once in awhile, things come up that require personal phone calls and texts during work hours. That's understandable. If it is a daily thing, I'd talk with her about it and expect the calling and texting during the hours she is paid to do what she agreed to do when I hired her. I don't know if personal phone calls and texts are an okay thing with your brother and sister? If not, I guess I wouldn't do it - no matter how minimally I thought I did it. I've worked some places where they're okay and others where its not okay. I try to do what the bosses think is appropriate or not appropriate.

As a boss, I would see it as a problem if one employee was concerned that personal calls and texts were being made by another. I'd probably call a meeting so that we could all talk about the issue and come to a decision that everybody could live with and carry out as a team.

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