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Okay so received a text from my alcoholic mother saying 'I'm going to bed now to have a stroke, thanks daughter'....
I had a panic attack & it upset me so much.. & next day i received another text 'If i'm to come to Cornwall I have to come tomorrow, because i have to be back'. I told her i was upset about her blaming me & saying she was going to have a stroke especially after my dad died from a stroke 3 years ago.. she chose to ignore it & say it was all ME. A few hrs later i decided to allow her to come down & have her holiday & i wanted to see her & wanted my stuff. She then said it was 'too late now'.... basically it felt like she was playing control & manipulation games. One minute i hate this womans addiction & feel like i'm at the end of my tether. I know my heath is important & it's making me ill.
I really wish i didn't love this woman.
I ended up saying some really nasty things to her, that i wouldn't be at her funeral so to make sure no one informs me of her passing, and 'enjoy your stroke'. I then went on and on about how i wanted her to leave me alone, that my depression is getting worse and worse because of her illness.. it really upset her.. i apologized next day and said i am no longer getting into anything with you again, you either come down & text me saying that you're coming, or you dump the rest of my stuff and leave it at that.
Thought she may turn up today but she didn't, so i text her telling her hoped she'd have come today...She's asked me if she can ring me later to ask me something. I said of course, you don't have to ask.. hmmm wonder what it will be... she'll probably ask me if i meant what i said...
I'm finding it really hard to have a middle ground.. like, i can't focus on me with her around or texting me. I've detached physically and i know in people on here have said that doing that doesn't help, which i don't think it has, even made it worse..
Her friend says we need time apart, but how much time does she have i wonder, the what ifs..
I'm in a cafe now so i have time to have a good read on here & really need it...
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 27th of September 2013 09:06:49 AM
You cannot live like this. Remembering that you are powerless over people places and things is the first step to freedom I am glad you shared here, Prayer, face to face meetings, the Steps will all lead you to new responses and to learning how to truly take care of yourself.
Learning how to Respond and not React takes time an hard work Living with this dreadful disease we do develop negative destructive tools to combat the ongoing attacks and chaos that envelop us daily.
Since I learned that I truly am powerless over others the only way to maintain my sanity was to pick up and use the alanon tools. Do not react is the main one that saved my sanity. Remember this game is one your mom has played for years. You engage with her in this destructive dance, and nothing gets accomplished, Everyone speaks words that they "SAY they do not mean and hurt feeling grow. Leaning how to say what we mean and mean what we day is a huge goal on the road to recovery First we need to discover what we are feeling and express these feelings I hear the sadness, fear and love you have for your mom but when you speak to mom you convey anger, rage and disinterest. She then punishes you by her usual tactics and then you live in guilt and anxiety.
Please know that you are not alone and that HP will guide your steps. Listen to the still small voice within and trust that you are loved and cared for
Sounds like lots of mixed signals on both your parts. The boundaries you are setting are ones that you keep going back on also...That stops you from really detaching. You say one thing and then the next day are acting totally different and she does the same. That is all the crazy merry go round of this. You can only own your side though. When you set a boundary, stick to it, otherwise she will keep trampling over you, your wishes, and every time you speak with firmness because she will figure you are just "crazy and mad and you'll get over it." Stick you your boundaries without being nasty.
Ways of setting boundaries and sticking to them:
After receiving that text - comment back "Mom, I care about your health, but I'm not going to respond to guilt inducing dramatic texts from you when you are drunk" and then don't ever do it again.
With the come down and vist vs. not - "Mom, I let you know my thoughts on the matter of coming down. Either you can or your cannot. No more discussion." No more fighting, apologizing, saying no, then saying yes the next day. No more blaming her for your panic. No more taking the blame from her for saying "No" - Just cut the drama. You can do this.
It is about boundaries and it's for your mental health. It does not sound like it's all about her addiction either. This is also about you setting clear boundaries. Detachment is not all about just acting like you don't care when the person acts ridiculous. It is acting...it's acting in ways to protect your sanity and cut yourself off from unacceptable behaviors.
Keep working on this stuff...it's your mom and these patterns have been developing all your life. It's not gonna just get better over night.
I was wondering where i got the word 'Hot rod' from hotrod! :) it is a long stick isn't it ? and 'is' a word?
Thanks for taking me back to the first step, my head has drifted away from the basics and it's good to be reminded of this and that i need to learn to respond not react. I've ordered my internet now so that i can continue to come on here as i really need the little reminders.
this just cannot go on....however its YOU who has to change b/c that is the only entity you CAN change, is YOU
I would set clear boundaries and follow through.........you don't have to be mean....I have an abusive daughter, when I cut contact off w/her it wasn't mean on my part....in fact I wave if I see her when I am driving home...i just don't get too close....a distant wave....maybe a "i'm fine how are you text" and that is that....I set boundaries WITHIN ME.....it has nothing to do w/her , really, it is to protect my serenity and my sanity....she is just too abusive and toxic for me to be around....simple as that.....
Detachment is not being cruel...it is just disconnectign from their drama and abuse and chaos, or whatever is the malady and not "getting on the merry go round"......w/me it is not going close enough to daughter to let her play any more head games w/me which was her favorite sport.
my part in it was letting it go on and on and on as long as I did.....I would distance myself and then she would be all sweet and nice, suck me back into her vortex and then slam me into the ground...........finally, after coming back to recovery after a long lay off that really set me back, now in recovery, my feet are on the ground and i wont' be played with anymore
the boundaries wee FOR me and BY me to take care of ME......
I just don't react like I used to...now it is a healthier response....I am calmer, happier, saner, more peaceful w/out all the up and down...up and down with her......unless she gets help and shows sustained good fruit, I am keeping my distance......
acceptance is part of it.....realizing, accepting in my heart that the way things are, there is no change, unless she gets into program....i have come to accept....this is what it is...can i live this way??? NO....what can I do to take care of me????? and I am now focusing on solution rather than problem.......
I hope this made sense....i had a bad night sleep last night and am going off for a nap......puppy was a good girl....slept all night till bathroom break at 630 am....it was me and the weirdest dreams i was having.......so nap time
take care and try to focus more on you...less on mother......she has to work her own stuff out....and its NOT your fault , her unhappiness....
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Hi! I hope your bike is fixed or soon to be fixed so you can get to your meetings? Until I got myself into meetings with others going through some of what you've detailed here, I really couldn't see my part in the drama between my x and me. Although he wasn't my Mom, the dynamics of the disease were similar. He took up most of my head and heart space whether he was in the house with me or not. Life draining for both of us. When I got better, I could do better in relationship to him. He didn't change much, but I did. Lots of encouragement to you, q. There are relationships that we can form that aren't so highly frustrating and confusing. In fact, there are relationships we can form that aren't frustrating or confusing at all. Al-Anon helps us develop a different way of thinking and behaving and our lives change. I learned that waiting for other people to change in relationship to me was a futile exercise and expenditure of energy.
I sometimes wonder if i enjoy the whole drama thing, but if it makes me ill maybe it's just a 'familiar' feeling. Thanks for your support Nesh & grateful & pink & hot. Only had chance to read bits of this, will try & log on again later
From your later post Qwerty I know that you see this more clearly as your addiction and out of respect to you reading this post from the perspective of someone who has been there and done that too...it had me on the floor. The program taught me to see the humor the levity of my thoughts, feelings and actions on trying to live with and then without my alcoholics and addicts. The things I said and the things that were said back were beyond funny as I looked back at it from the safety of recovery. You know the control and manipulations and the "I'm going to be now to have a stroke, thanks daughter" is classic. I pray the day will come when you laugh your butt off at that also instead of take the blame and have a panic attack. It ain't real....none of it is real...it's un-sane. In support...holding you up. ((((hugs))))
Glad you will soon be able to be here more often.