The material presented
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I last had contact with my son on Monday via text. He said he was doing good and that maybe we could have lunch the following day. Per his words, it would finally be his treat. Well he didn't call on Tuesday and I haven't heard from him since. I sent him a text today...no response.
He either relapsed again or is avoiding me as he is supposed to pay me back the money that I gave him towards rent and food. He kept telling me he'd write me a check as soon as his unemployment money came in, but I know talk is cheap. At this point I'm just guessing.... I don't know what's going on but it's taking a toll on me. I know I am powerless and have no control over the situation whatever it may be. I get that. Regardless it's so draining and wearing me down. I am really trying not to have this consume me.
I have an important job interview tomorrow and just hope and pray I can get through it. This really sucks!
I agree this disease does exact a terrible toll on us. I always had to remind myself that I was powerless over his disease and the best I could do for him was to pray.
Please repeat the serenity prayer and keep the focus on yourself. Remaining calm for your interview tomorrow is essential
I feel the same way right now. My son is much the same - never pays money back, tells you what you want to hear, disappears and all the while we are left worrying but there is a better way and I learned it but sometimes the fear takes over and its usually not based on rational facts. The slogans are helpful when you really think about them during times like this.
'Live and let live' - to me this says we need to let go and let our son's live the way they choose to live, i think this is about accepting that they may not live the way we want but its still their choice and we don't have the right to insist they live our way. I like the 'live' part this is the part I can forget to do, I can get wrapped up in the fear, panic and worry and its like holding your breath waiting for things to go the way that feels better but we put our lives on hold and thats not right.
'This too shall pass' - in my experience this is the reminder we mothers need that no matter how bad we feel or how bad things get it wont last forever and it will be over soon.
'First things first' - this helps me focus on my hp's will. For example when i get panicked and my thoughts are jumbled and full of fear I try to think right what is the next thing to do -= usually cleaning or tidying - but it at least guides me towards the light and away from the darkness of my mind sometimes.
I truly believe its all in our minds and we do no-one any favours when we allow ourselves to become full of fear. I am working on this too and its good to come here and know that we are not alone.x
I realize my fear can and does get the better of me. Why is it that our minds go to the worst scenarios? It's almost like they are programmed to do that and it takes work to stay positive.
I put my life on hold and it all seems to revolve around my son.
Note to self: Repeat the Serenity Prayer and read from Courage to Change.
I have had that and many other things happen to me so many times I can't count anymore the times I have worried just to find out he was somewhere drinking his life away. I had to stop the worry and projecting because just like you it would consume me completely. I came to a place that I wasn't going to call or text because if I didn't hear back RIGHT AWAY....something was wrong....OK worry now. If he called and said he would come visit, do something.....whatever and the time came and NO SON......something was wrong.....OK worry now. When I did find out what happen I would either be mad, upset and downright cried for hours.
I figure it this way now. If something really happened I would get a call I sure of it. No calls all is OK. I also stop taking calls from him and I got the messages like are you mad? are you not wanting to talk to me? What did I do?? My son can do a little worrying now. OH......and the text or calls would at least tell me he's still alive.
Anyways...I had to stop my madness or I wasn't going to survive. I have my ups and downs but so so much better now than a year ago. Believe me...I know exactly what your going through.
Everyday gets better and better when I let go and stop doing what I was doing. It's comes down to practice, practice and more practice. After a while....you hear the phone ring and you can let go without a worry. If it was something important...a message would be left. That way I don't get into the complaining and poor me drama that came out of his mouth. That only upset me too. I DON"T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE.
Try not taking a call or not returning a text....see what happens. It is so much better than picking up that phone and hearing a crying son on the other end. Drunk or sober and wants help because he is out of money, no alcohol or hungry and no friends. I need you MOM.....I need my family. Well we will see how much does my son really wants his family.
(((( hugs )))) you and your son are in my thoughts and prayers
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I used to give my self 5 minutes to worry in a rocker. Setting limits on my fear and worry helped. Then, I'd get up and get on with whatever life showed me I needed to do. Maybe it will help you, Rose?
Oh boy...can I relate to your post. So much so that I could have written it word for word. Believe me, I have gotten much better over the last couple of years (before Al-Anon). I still struggle but it's easier. Maybe because I have been through this so many times now.
About 3 months ago I didn't hear from my son for close to a month. I didn't try to contact him but waited until he called. You know, during that time I felt better - I wasn't consumed with worry and fear. Each day was easier than the previous one.
I do need to stop this or I will make myself physically sick. And would that change anything? Of course not.
I don't know what's going on but it's taking a toll on me. I know I am powerless and have no control over the situation whatever it may be. I get that. Regardless it's so draining and wearing me down. I am really trying not to have this consume me.
I have an important job interview tomorrow and just hope and pray I can get through it. This really sucks!
Dear Rose, I know we can all give you the usual esh that you already know, and hurt is hurt...pain is pain.....So I am gonna send you "good job mojo" energy that u shine and knock em off their feet
I would soak in the tub, b4 bed...then lie in bed and think of all the things I could be grateful for and focus on that
wish I had an interview w/a new client, OMG....I so need another 2 days per month at least......
I hope u can relax...take care of you.......let go...see yourself sending him to the forces of love and light and let him go
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
You will find you will feel better when you truly let go. It won't be overnight so don't worry about it. "One day at a time" is not just something say...it's a life time tool to use.
I also had many of the one month no hear from my son. In the end he was on a good bender because he had money. And I was crazy at home living a life of fear and worry. He didn't know that....he was quite content with himself. When the call came in he was semi sober and didn't have a dime and wanted help getting to the hospital, wants detox....I'm done with drinking. Yep..OK I will help you, get you healthy, pay the rent for another month, buy food and clothes....little presents and money for gas and maybe a little restaurant food because he hasn't had anything in so so long and wanted that burger so bad. Next thing I know he has taken the money and brought alcohol but rent was paid another month, food in the refrig.... so no worries....mom has taken care of it AGAIN. ( they don't have to even think or say it but they know mom will be there ).
We love them dearly and want to take away their pain...but the way above doesn't work. It will never work. My son needs to feel the pain and I need to give it back to him. What good does it really do for me to fix his problems and pain? Is it really helping him seek recovery? Does HE want to get well or do I want him to get well....that's the question here. I can't keep him my little boy anymore and slowing killing him in the process. I just can't do this to him or me.
I will change...one day at a time. I will have peace within no matter what happens. I will have my HP by my side. I will have the support of Al-anon and MIP behind me. I will show a good example of a healthy woman and mother to my son, friends and partner. I will start living my life again.......just " One day at a time "
My shoulder is here anytime you need one my friend...
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
(((Rose))) I'm so sorry you have this and wish I could give support that would make a difference. When I feel I'm low on options, I repeat the serenity prayer. Wishing you the best for your interview tomorrow! Please take good care of you and I'll keep you and your son in my prayers.
I didn't turn on my phone until after my interview was over and that helped my anxiety. I was afraid of getting a message about my son. I'm thinking that he relapsed after getting a large unemployment check from all the weeks they owed him.
The interview went well so I am hoping to be called for a 2nd interview next week. I so need a job to keep myself busy and my mind off my son's problems. Working will be a lifesaver at this point.
Yes Cathy - my life is out of control at the moment.
Oh, good! I do hope that you get the second interview and get hired. If not for this job, then for the one that is perfect for you and you for it. Good job turning off your phone. Whether your son has relapsed or not, HP's got his back. And we're here for you. (((R)))
