Hello. Welcome to MIP. Congratulations on entering recovery and working your program. Like AA, we can't give advice. We do know that there are things that come up after sobriety in marriages. Some fail. Some continue. Staying sober is the most important thing as you say. You are saving your life. My suggestion is that you talk with your sponsor about some of this? Perhaps he can shed some light for you on his own experiences in his marriage during the first year or so following recovery? I don't know if your wife attends Al-Anon meetings? If not, I would think that staying close to the fellowship and your sponsor will be a big help to you during this time of healing and growth for you? I'm a recovering codependent and can't possibly understand all that you are experiencing right now as a recovering alcoholic, but I can say that it makes me very happy to know that you are in the fellowship. It gives me hope for my own loved ones who are struggling with this disease but have not accepted AA as their lifeline yet. Much encouragement to you to keep on truckin' with your program.

Welcome to MIP. All of what grateful said so beautifully. Staying sober and working your program is your first priority. Rebalancing relationships takes time. Denial can run deep; I know that it took me a long time to learn about alcoholism, how it also effected me, and to start practicing staying in the moment and healthier ways of interacting. I made many mistakes, but hopefully learned from them, and they do not represent who I am or how I would behave today. ODAT Sending prayers for your continued recovery, and wisdom, courage, and serenity for you and your wife.

Hi Gofred and welcome,

Huge congratulations on your programme - 6 months plus is a great achievement and a really valuable asset. Bravo!! There is not much that I can add to the great advice that you've already been given but since I can relate to your dilemma and concern I wonder if I can share a little of my own story?

In my own life, as the wife of an alcoholic, I have experienced the turmoil of emotional shifts just as much, if not more, during his recovery as I do during my husband's drinking phases. It is a time of change and unsettling - even though I can see that it is positive change in progress. I just don't quite know where my balance point is I guess. I am so used to having my own space and it is strange to have AH's company back again. Of course that is what I've wanted all these years, but I've developed my own pattern, and whilst it is a pattern fuelled by frustration and anger, its absence leaves me at a bit of a (silly) loss! I'm learning what to do with myself and what I'm capable of all over again.

In my calmer moments I feel that what I need most is to free myself up to look at my own needs. I've spent years focused on AH and I'm quite often cross with myself (and him) for all that time I've wasted! I feel like a sulky five years old when I say that In my selfish moments I wonder why AH isn't trying to make amends and give me the adoration and gratitude that I feel that I so richly deserve. In other words, I am perfectly capable of behaving like a queen with a sour lemon under my nose - with no notice given about my switch from loving calm to screaming banshee

I think that we both need to be a bit selfish for a while. It is dangerous for me to bath in self pity since it leads me to rebel and 'shake the tree'. I think that when I'm doing this I'm just testing to see if our changes are for real. I'm sure it must be quite a challenge for AH when I do this though, I can see how very frustrating and perplexing it must be. AH has also said 'I don't know what to do'. I appreciate his concern, but right now I don't know either! I do know that acting out doesn't make me feel good about myself either so I need to be forgiven (by myself as well as AH). I think that I would react well if he just stayed calm, ignored the performance and gave me a loving hug when I paused and caught my breath - a big ask me-thinks!

We have both talked about separation, we have both said 'I can't do this any more'. Neither of us have yet had the guts to ask the other one 'what do you need?' Perhaps this is because neither of us has much to give at the moment. But we have both managed to say 'I hope we get through this together'. If I'm honest sometimes the thought of our being together five years from now scares me - but I hope that thought is just a legacy since I've learnt to be scared of imaginary things going wrong as well as some of the things that were real. I hope that I learn to trust that it is all going to be alright in the end.

For me this time is a lesson in reconnecting with myself and a lesson for both of us to learn to let the other one 'be' - I know that I feel warmly towards AH when he gives me the space to do that. My husband and I also go through times when we needs comfort and closeness but I sense a reluctance in myself to really fall freely into the love that I/we crave. I don't trust AH and I don't really trust myself much either. But time will heal - I'm sure of it.

There are times when I just can't give any more. It makes me feel resentful and I don't like that about myself. I absolutely need to give to myself first and because I'm not used to that process I need to re-learn it. I can see that when I do look after myself it also makes AH relax a bit. We are not so different after all! I think that is an important thing for me to remember.

A wonderful phrase that a friend told me when I was looking after my dying mother was 'you can't give from an empty cup, and boy do you want to give!' I've found this to be a useful comment when I feel frustrated with myself that I can't give as freely to myself or to AH as I would like. We both need a bit of time, and an acceptance of whatever it takes, but one day we will refill those cups and when we do I know that we can be good friends.

As the others say, look after yourself. Thank you for the reminder that this is a process, step by step.

Hi,
I am also the spouse of a recovering alcoholic. He has been in AA since 2000 and I have been in AlAnon since 2000. Read again what milkwood said. I ditto all her feelings. I also needed to find who I was after babysitting a demanding and never gracious alcoholic for 29 years of our marriage. I was at the end of my rope when he finally got sobriety. I can honestly say that if I EVER find proof that he is drinking again, he is GONE, but until or unless that time comes we will bumble along on our own separate paths through life.

In the beginning I would have loved an acknowledgement from him that his disease had affected me too. But we are still together after 13 years of recovery because we both are in the program and neither of us has given up on hope..... that it may get better, little by little. And that is what you have to decide too. Just because she says it is what she wants I see a lot of dragging of feet. Neither of you seem ready to actually give up. So don't!

Do your AA program. Talk to your spouse. Keep communication open. Talk about feelings. Don't whine. Remember, she didn't ask for this either. Keep hope.

I think this post belongs much more on the AA board, than the Al-Anon board.  Congratulations on your recovery, and you are right - your #1 priority right now is, and should be, your sobriety.

Reading through your post brought me back to memories of my newly sober wife at the time.... Heck, even when she would get sober for a day, she would demand that we "work on us", and wanted assurances that we would be together as a couple.

Six months sober - I would humbly suggest that it is way too early for your wife to give you any kind of definitive answer to your longterm relationship questions.  For the short term, it is typically in everybody's best interest for you to focus on your recovery, and for her to focus on hers.  Whether the two of you survive and prosper as a couple (or not), is one of those future things that will be figured out in time.

Take care

Tom

Thank you milkwood, it was an eye opening explanation of the real life my wife has experienced and I shared this with her tonight.  The part that grabbed her was everything but mostly the empty cup.  She says her cup is really empty and I can see it in her eyes, that it is.

It was a very truthful discussion about what she needs and that is time and for the first time in over 6-months I understand what that is, and she has my graces. 

I need to get back to AA and focus on me and when I work solely on me.  When I do it is hard to pay much attention to anything else, I guess they call this detachment.  As for my wife we may start the separation as part of a option to get her a house loan that she will qualify for before she retires.  Not happy but I truly want her to be happy.  Maybe some time apart will help heal the wounds, don't know, very complex.   I feel some peace that she knows I am not going be demanding of anything and that I will support any decision she make and hopefully the door will still be open when we both heal a bit more.

 

Any other advise would be appreciated

"Shortly after she did not believe in AA and sent me many web sites noting how AA ruined marriages because of the time spent going to meeting." 

 

I just wanted to welcome you to this board.  Congratulations on your sobriety.  There are some wonderful Promises in the AA program. 

I'd like to share with your wife that the Alanon program offers promises as well.   

Wherever your journey leads, I hope recovery will be a part of it. 

The Alanon promises posted at the top of this page. 

In support,  TT

 

Gofred, I admire your dignity and I'm really pleased and relieved to see that you are also taking care of yourself and focusing on your own needs as well. Go well.