The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday evening after my AH worked a 12 hour day. Picked up our mower brought to my daughters house and started mowing. My daughter picked up all the dog stuff outside and waved at him.
The ABF and his buddy stayed in the house the full two hours it took to mow 1/2 the yard since he had to mow one high setting and then on lower setting because its been so long since mowed.
When my AH went to load up and leave his truck wouldn't start. Dead battery- he called me and said if I knock on the door I will probably hit him he was so angry at him for being there and taking advantage.
I was coming to jump his truck (my daughter wouldn't answer her phone) when he called and said neighbor jumped him.
So I went ahead and went over to my daughters house anyway.
I knocked on door and went in. The ABF friend was sitting on couch. I said where's (daughter). She was on back porch with ABF. I asked friend Wth is going on ? He said they're fine right now, with a smile. ABF came in and I went out to talk to my kid.
I told her if he can help you pay bills or mow grass great. But I wil not give another dime to help you out or will not let my AH mow grass again.
She said if he decides to not leave me he's gonna double what he didn't pay this last time he said.
I just said I'm surprised your believing that. He's telling you that to string you along two more weeks if he gets that money he's moving out just like he said. But that's your choice.
Then i said Pack the stuff I just bought you to help out. Ill pick it up tomorrow to return it. I will not support him.
When I got home she said well now he made his mind up for sure now. I told her - he'll blame me or you - he made his mind up to not do his 1/2 wen he stopped putting money on acct and quit mowing grass. That's a fact ...
I am bringing book by today !
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Hi. There was a time when I helped my grown kids with different things. One day, I felt exasperated because I'd chosen to do something for one of my kids and the result was similar to what you are detailing - just different specifics. I expressed my frustration. My adult child said, "I didn't ask you to do anything. So, why are you mad at me? You chose to do what you chose to do." What my AC said was true. I do think there was a hook on my AC's part even though they hadn't come out directly and asked for my help, but the reality was that I'd let the rescuing part of me jump in to help out. I learned not to allow the rescuer free reign to help. I also learned to wait until my child specifically asked for my help. Then, we could draw up a contract that worked for each of us or I could say, "No." It took me awhile to learn that my part usually with both my AC was to listen, affirm and love but not interfere. I don't know if what I experienced is true for you? It sure was a learning lesson for me.
YES ... I know I got way too involved... my point yesterday was to let her know,I was too involved.. that was last help. And yes I said it, meant it and will stand by it ... She will have to be reponsible with her choices. (UGH !)
Thanks my friends.. Im going thru my library of books to see what I leave with her.. her choice if she reads it or not !
__________________
..."expecting the world to treat you fairly because your a good person, is like expecting a bull to not attack you because your a vegetarian "
Don't give her books......just be loving and give her the phone number to Al-anon. She is old enough to make that call if that's her choice. That is the best gift you can give her.
(((( hugs ))))
__________________
Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
My dad stopped helping me out back in my twenties...it was the best thing he ever did. I learned to live within my means and make do...now that I'm divorced he has helped me out when I've needed it - and sadly, I have needed it from time-to-time. Point being though, I don't live in a home I can't afford, drive a car I can't afford and though money is tight and it's tough to pay bills on time some months - they get paid because that's what I have to do.
Would it be awful if she lost her home? Yes. Would it forever be a lesson learned the hard way? You betcha...On the books? Don't bother. She won't read them until she's ready and she won't be ready until she gets help. She needs to do that for herself.
Did it break my dad's heart to watch what I went through with my ex? Absolutely! Does he still worry? Oh yes. My ex is a special brand of crazy when he drinks and he's drunk and drunks drink. But I have to make my way and love that when I need his support, words of advice or just time with him - he is there. That is honestly what I care most about. His presence.
Anyways, that's my two cents from the child of an alcoholic who married an addict...and is now divorced and healing.
