The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hello everyone, I've been lurking on this board for a while. I really appreciate all of the ESH in all of your shares. I am a very grateful member of Al-anon with 4 years in the program, and I attend weekly F2F meetings. I have a sponsor and have been working the steps very slowly but diligently (I seem to take approx. 1 year per step; yes, I'm currently on Step 4 ). My qualifier is my father (who used to be a highly functional binge drinker, who is less functional now).
My husband and I have been together 26 years and neither of us drink, except every once in a while we'll have a glass of wine. I, of course, have carried on the legacy/craziness of needing to control everything (just like my Mom). Approximately 20 years ago, my husband went through a period of being unhappy in general (started out with being unhappy with his job, then unhappy with me, then trying to change it all up to fix his life), and we ended up separating (almost divorcing) and then reconciling. During that time I was crazy with trying to fight for our marriage and completely lost myself in the process (it nearly destroyed any sense of self I had left). Luckily I was in counseling at the time (that was the first time someone suggested I go to Al-anon). I am happy to report that I have made some great strides - thanks to this program - in letting go and letting my HP take over. My husband has noticed a positive change in me as well.
Here's the issue - my husband has been incredibly unhappy with his job for the last year, and one week ago my husband stated that he's not sure he's happy within our marriage anymore. I'm thinking - here we go again! But it's different this time. I'm not fighting tooth and nail to "make him happy" this time. I admit, my shields immediately came up and I started to distance myself emotionally from him at first (acting as if what happened before was going to happen again). Then I stopped myself and asked him for clarification (did not assume anything). He admitted to seeing the similarities to what he went through 20 yrs before, and doesn't know what to do about it. He's looking into seeing a counselor. He was shocked when I didn't immediately go to bat and try to take charge to mend/fix things. I acknowledged that, while I've known he's been unhappy with his work for quite some time and it hasn't been easy being around him sometimes, I am still happy within our marriage and the only thing I wish for - is for him to be happy and that I can't "make him be happy"; his happiness can only truly come from within himself.
I should mention that we haven't had much special time as a couple over the last 5 years, due to our daughter having difficulty with transitions, and we've been focused on her therapy and how to exist as peacefully as possible under one roof as she is entering her teen years. So I offered to be more available (not let my work take over my life) and proactive at finding something for us to do together that we both think we'll enjoy (we're going to take a yoga class together once a week starting next week). Beyond that I'm not doing much, because it's out of my hands and he needs to figure out things for himself.
Part of me is really sad that he's going through this and that we are going through this in our marriage. Part of me is so proud of how I'm handling this (all thanks to Al-anon and me practicing staying within my hulahoop ). I'm letting this go to my HP and I trust that I will be okay no matter what happens. Sometimes I feel quite calm and serene in my new self, and sometimes my old habits start to creep into my thoughts and I have to sit on my hands (and keep my mouth shut ). Have any of you experienced a positive change in yourselves through the program - that wasn't so easy for your partners/loved ones to get used to? Change is difficult and some might want us to change back . Change can also significantly alter the dynamic in a relationship. I would love to hear any ESH that you have to offer.
Thanks for reading this long-winded share. I appreciate it.
Hi, Kim. Yes, my loved ones have had trouble with changes in me. My son, the closest active A in my life, once yelled at me "NOTHING HAS CHANGED EXCEPT YOU!!!" when his disease couldn't hook me as it once had. He was angry with me for awhile after that. I let him be angry. I kept on working the program. He got over being angry and got used to the Mom who no longer wanted to rush in just because he had a "feeling," or wasn't happy or life sucked or whatever else he thought at the time and make it all better for him. I didn't even want to make it better for me.
Our relationship was what it was until it changed.
I've also had experiences of people leaving my life for whatever reason they had and letting them go. I don't want to be in relationship with anybody who thinks s/he don't want to be in relationship to me. It makes me unhappy if I'm trying to hang onto someone just because we've had history together. It hurts for a bit, but not very long.
And, I've had experiences of people used to treating me like my thoughts, feelings and needs don't matter. I've learned that when I stand up for myself, refusing to compromise what I think, feel or need - some of these folks also leave my life because they can't manipulate or discount me easily. That makes room for people who are right for me and me for them in healthy relationships.
No matter what he chooses in relationship to you, you are still valuable, worthy, and deserving of healthy relationships with people or a partner who sees you that way and you see them that way, too. Glad to see you here. Keep coming back.
yeppers with my family and also some with my current wife who also is long Al-Anon...LOL. It isn't about perfection is it. When she's having a go of it with her life I'm present for her and if I want to be more I will ask her if I can help. She gets to decide yes or no and I get to decide just how much. Kinda sorta alot like what you're doing which has me nodding and smiling at the same time. "It works when you work it". Giving my wife clarity about how much if ever is respect and honor and then she's gotta do her work or the next time I don't go on it. Love her and myself unconditionally. Mahalo Al-Anon and HP. Keep coming back...Ask him what does his sponsor say and then go quiet....I know he's not in the program but he can learn about your tools huh? (((hugs)))
I've also had experiences of people leaving my life for whatever reason they had and letting them go. I don't want to be in relationship with anybody who thinks s/he don't want to be in relationship to me. It makes me unhappy if I'm trying to hang onto someone just because we've had history together. It hurts for a bit, but not very long.
Hi grateful2be,
That is definitely what I think of as the worst scenario - that he will no longer want to stay in our relationship; and you are so right - I definitely do not want him to stay in the relationship just because of our history, or because he doesn't want to be without a partner right now - we both deserve better. Thanks so much for your words of encouragement - I definitely feel like I'm on the right path for myself and I hope my husband finds the right path for himself too (whether it means staying in our marriage, or being on his own).
Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. I got a good giggle out of you suggesting that I ask him what his sponsor says. While my husband is very supportive of my involvement in the program and see's how much it has benefited me and my relationships - it's not something he's shown a desire to get involved with (I secretly wish he would). I try to share (bits and pieces) of the tools I've learned through Al-anon with him when the opportunity arises, but I'm a bit nervous of stepping into my old ways of suggesting/telling/manipulating - such a tough habit to break (LOL). It's so good to know that others have gone through this (and it helps me feel supported in how I'm handling this).
Same as Grateful and Jerry, loved ones have been angry at and not accepting of changes I make that are more loving to myself. Sometimes I've witnessed their response as escalating temper tantrums, disrespect, projection and other unpleasant, and sometimes cruel, manipulations in their attempts to pressure me into doing things that would be harmful to me/ my self esteem. I have left relationships and lost relationships when it was not possible/ unhealthy for me to be "selfless" (as in, loss of identity) enough to meet their expectations.
It's my experience that dysfunctions and insecurities oftentimes escalate with job loss. That is their "workshop" to do.
My "workshop" is applying the 12 steps and traditions in all of my affairs. My plate is truly way too full to take on what's on someone else's. All I can do is offer respect, kindness, compassion to others as well as myself. In the process, I've kept and attract relationships that are healthy; distanced myself from unhealthy ones.
As with the others, I can relate to others being angry about my changes due to Al Anon, and I have only been in program for 18 months. It turned my AH's world upside down. He is still very angry about my involvement with Al Anon and often makes reference to 'wanting the old me back'.
I'm sorry that you are struggling. I do think that Al Anon gives us wonderful tools to cope with relationship problems, even if they aren't alcoholic relationships. I've learned to keep my mouth shut at times and realized that my opinion isn't always what people are looking for. I don't point out their path of craziness, I just accept that they are going to make mistakes just as I've done, and that they will have to learn to live with the consequences just as I have had to do, too. I sometimes forget that everyone's path is different from mine and Al Anon has given me the peace and serenity to know that other's deserve my respect and support (not my condemnation or judgement or opinions) for the decisions they are making.
Thank you for your share, I do hope that you continue to share on the boards and bring your wisdom and program experience, as well.
I agree , as we begin to change our friends , family don't always like the changes we are making , as you said your doing things differently now , instead of jumping in to make him feel better your leaving the problem with him where it belongs . It is very confusing for our partners to adjust to us not taking control of every situation as we did in the past they are hoping you will make the decision for them so they don't have to be responsible . I personally think you handled things perfectly . Just my opinion . Louise
). My qualifier is my father (who used to be a highly functional binge drinker, who is less functional now). 
). I am happy to report that I have made some great strides - thanks to this program - in letting go and letting my HP take over. My husband has noticed a positive change in me as well. 
). I'm letting this go to my HP and I trust that I will be okay no matter what happens. Sometimes I feel quite calm and serene in my new self, and sometimes my old habits start to creep into my thoughts and I have to sit on my hands (and keep my mouth shut 
). Have any of you experienced a positive change in yourselves through the program - that wasn't so easy for your partners/loved ones to get used to? Change is difficult and some might want us to change back 
. Change can also significantly alter the dynamic in a relationship. I would love to hear any ESH that you have to offer.