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I spent most of my life keeping my distance from my Mother and here I am at 67 years old caretaking her every day.
Dealing with her Dementia and old age. I guess its the only way I could deal with her as she is too weak and old to do battle. But just last year when I first started taking care of her, her dislike of me was always there. I would just walk away and shut the door. From me ignoring the rantings of a dysfunctional she knows it doesnt work on me. I cannot be manipulated.
I was always puzzled by my Mother's actions but being together in this environmnent , a lot has come to light My Mother was never phsyically abusive or even that verbally abusive, her abuse was covert. She also hid it from my two brothers and never would do her dynamics in front of them. Mother's can be jealous of their daughters . Without getting too personal, my Mom always loved another man in Italy where she is from, when she came to the USA she hated it and wanted to go back, but I was just a baby and she knew my Dad would never allow it. so she resented me. I also learned that my Mom was a self indulgent narcissist . I learned this all in the last 18 months . There's a bunch of other issues, like her trying to live her life thru me. I was a professional singer and actress when I was young and the only time she would say I love you and hug me was after a perfomance. I would have never known unless I spent this time here. I would have wondered why the rest of my life. I never questioned my Mothers behavior , I just accepted it, but I never knew why I kept my distance and had boundaries. If I didnt I thought she might devour me and I would lose my identity.
And so nothing in our life happens by accident and your time at your Mom's house is not one either. You have stuff you need to learn and where the resentments are. My Mother would not and will not admit any fault or admit to my theories. They never do. I don't know if you can have those conversations with your Mother. I know I finally came to this conclusion , I just don't like my Mother much and she tolerates me. Not saying this is the same thing with your Mother. This is my experience.
Just listen, observe and if she is open for discussion try to be as honest as you can. The answers will come. But do it on your own terms. Alanon's philosophy will help you. Keep coming back.
Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Monday 23rd of September 2013 06:46:51 PM
I have shared on here before about my relationship with my mother. My mother is an untreated Adult child of an Alcoholic. My husband and I with our 3 year old son are currently living back at my parents place and hope to purchase our first home together in the New year. I am grateful for my parents for allowing us to live back at their home so that we can save for a deposit.
I just have a hard time accepting my mother for who she is. I have been working really hard at keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business when I hear her being judgmental or criticizing others. I know that I am powerless over her and not responsible for her actions.
I have been praying to my HP for guidance here with this relationship. I find my mother the hardest person to get along with she is very stubborn and can be very negative. I don't have compassion for her and know that she has always felt unheard and left out growing up and can still feel left out in our own family.
I find because of the way that she is I just withdraw myself and limit the time I have to be around her. I know I choose to do this and maybe I do it because I feel its safer to withdraw than be verbally criticized but it doesn't stop the pain inside.
I am trying to work on me and why I am triggered by her behaviour. I have chosen to share very little personal information with her because she is very good at telling the world then denying that she has ever said anything.
At times I liken my mums behaviour to that of a dry drunk. My parents were away for 10 days recently and I have to say that it was pure bliss at home. I didn't feel like I was walking into a storm every time I arrived home. I know I have the choice to stay here its her home I am trying hard to be respectful towards her.
I become anxious when I am around her for too long. I have a hard time of letting go of her criticism towards me if I talk to my father about something and not to her. She will then carry on and make it into a drama. The other day I was able to keep my mouth shut when she snuck up behind my father and I to listen in to what we were saying and all we were talking about was when he could do my tax. I know there is no point in ever saying anything to her I have learnt from that (well I think I have_ I end up being the crazy one and become angry.
A few days ago through prayer I said to my HP I no longer want to be on this merry go round with my mother. Maybe I have a lot of resentment that I need to write out and pray about. Yesterday I did really well to mind my own business. I was doing some marking for work yesterday in our dining room here. I don't normally listen to classical music but put my headphones in and turned up the music. It was so comforting listening to this music rather than listening to my mother complaining.
I just don't enjoy my mothers company I don't see any of her positive traits in my eyes I see the negative. It has been suggested by a counselor that I write a letter to her about how I feel when I hear her on the phone sharing a positive thing with her friend about her day. I feel I just hear the negative stuff. I just can't bring myself to write that letter yet. I would love to hear from other members who have or have had difficult family members and how you were able to detach and show compassion.Thanks
Some mothers and daughters can tend to judge each other at some point in our relationships. If we work on ourselves, the relationships can become more positive. The daughter wants to be her own person but still seeks her Mom's approval to some degree. The Mom wants the daughter to be her own person, but looks for her daughter's affirmation through her daughter's resemblance to her. At least that was my experience with my daughter for awhile. I had to learn to let her think, feel and be different than me without thinking I'd failed in some way if she was different than me. We had a hard time of it when she reached her mid-20s. She's in her mid-30s now. I don't always agree with her. She doesn't always agree with me. Once in awhile, we have a bit of a snit together. For the most part, we enjoy each other as we both live our own lives in the way we see fit. And sometimes, I do plop on my "Parenting" hat with her but usually - I'm just the woman she calls Mom and she's the woman I call my daughter. I'm very proud of her and in many ways, she is nothing like me. I think she feels the same about me. Learning to be adult women together isn't easy for many mothers and daughters, but it can be done.
I'm struggling with something similar - you're not alone. Sometimes I'm better at brushing it off than at other times. I try using humor, changing the subject, and, like you have limited my time as a way of taking care of myself. I find it helpful to work through my resentments with a sponsor or other Alanon members. When dealing with my mother, I do the best I can to act and speak from a place of honesty and love. I also am mindful of expectations- mine and hers; mine are reminding myself that she is unlikely to start providing love and kindness that would normally be something a mother has for a daughter. I am aware when her expectations of me are unhealthy; in these times, my thoughts, feelings, opinions are generally invisible to her, so what I say or do has no impact- I generally excuse myself and focus on my day.
Thank-you so much for comments. I know I need to focus on myself when I am around her I just have a hard time doing this. Bettina thank-you I needed to hear that. Yes my mum is in total denial that she is ever at fault. My mother has never been happy with my father but stays with him. My mum too was in love with another man before she met my father but he never felt the same. I know in her eyes she just sees all the negatives in her life not the positives. Its just hard to be around. I need to set boundaries around her and be ok with those boundaries. I know I still allow my mums unhealthiness to affect my self worth.
Good that you can allow your Mom to be the best she can be right now. Considering you are living in her home, I think its very wise of you to see that the only person's thinking you can change is your own and to work on that. That keeps me busy most of the time. Everybody else's thoughts, feelings, behaviors, marriages - not my business. When I focus only on what is my business, I notice that I feel calmer, lighter, happier. When I focus on other people's business, I feel anxious, nervous, angry, frustrated, weighed down and irritable. Al-Anon helps me remember that focusing on what I'm thinking, feeling and doing will result in a more joyful life for me and for those in my care. Keep coming back.
Sporty that sounds exactly like my mum. Sorry to hear that you're feeling the pain inside. My mum is stubborn and negative, she has secretly been abusive to me for years but made out to everyone that she is the victim in everything so all the people around us hate me and that's how she gets sympathy from them. I know sympathy is what she needs as my mum is an active alcoholic, she needs love, attention, and everything else she's lacked for a long time, but she is looking in the wrong place for these qualities. Like Bettina said, this could be a blessing, as you have the opportunity and awareness to learn more about the dynamics of your relationship with your mum and you're own boundaries and reactions as you're living together. I think if i lived with my mum again it would feel like hell! but yeh your mums doing a kind thing allowing you into her home, so you're in an awkward position.
