The material presented
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Going to keep that in mind too G2B and Stephaniej- be my own best friend. But a good best friend lol. Years ago when I was first seeing My AB, he would visit late at night and leave early in the morning. He kept joking that I was nuts and he was actually "my imaginary friend" (we had just watched "fight club") since no-one else I knew had ever seen him. And I remember thinking "yep, it would be just like me to create an imaginary friend who's MEAN to me" lol! I'm going to have to think about what a "good best friend" would be and then try to be that to myself. Interesting thought.
You're right Neshema, why do we think we don't deserve peace? I'm always so quick to tell others to relax and stop worrying about this or that and just enjoy life. And then I get mad at myself if I catch myself being happy! Crazy. I'm so glad that I'm starting to see my way through some of this stuff.
-- Edited by Melly1248 on Monday 23rd of September 2013 02:00:59 PM
Being much more aware of my own thinking in recent times, I've been catching myself doing something really alarming- multiple times each day. I think I've been doing it forever, but I've only just become aware of it.
Here's an example. This afternoon, I'm walking in the park with my daughter and dog. It's sunny, everything's nice and my mind is serene. I'm quite happy. Suddenly, I "catch" myself and think "what are you doing? What were you worrying about just before?" Then, I run through my various "problems" in my mind and find the most distressing one and worry about it.
IT'S AS IF I CAUGHT MYSELF SLACKING OFF, YELLED AT MYSELF AND GOT BACK TO WORK!!! It's really disturbing to realise that I do this to myself. Somehow, I feel as though if I "forget" my problems or stop working them over and over in my mind (uselessly projecting or trying on scenarios or conversations) I will lose control over them! What insane kind of hyper-vigilance is this? And the stupid thing is, if there really isn't anything pressing to worry about, I'll keep going until I think of something! Or else revert to a trusty old favorite like "what if I have cancer" or "what if someone runs over the cat while I'm out" or "what if the A's brother tells him that I had a big whinge about him months ago and said I hate him" or something unbelievably stupid like that.
Any wonder I can recall so few happy memories. Just wow. I knew I was hyper-vigilant in my actions but in my mind as well?
As boss of my own head, I seriously deserve to be fired lol. Can't even let myself enjoy a 5 minute break!
Oooooooooh, Melly!!!! I just love this share. Keep them coming. What you are describing is a common experience for many of us. Thank you for a morning read on awareness, acceptance and action. At least that is how I see it. (((M)))
This afternoon, I'm walking in the park with my daughter and dog. It's sunny, everything's nice and my mind is serene. I'm quite happy. Suddenly, I "catch" myself and think "what are you doing? What were you worrying about just before?" Then, I run through my various "problems" in my mind and find the most distressing one and worry about it.
IT'S AS IF I CAUGHT MYSELF SLACKING OFF, YELLED AT MYSELF AND GOT BACK TO WORK!!!
As boss of my own head, I seriously deserve to be fired lol. Can't even let myself enjoy a 5 minute break!
((hugs)) Melly...THIS is why Al Anoners so often say "be gentle with yourself." So many of us have spent so much time and energy focused on our qualifiers, and being resentful about the disease and the behaviors that go along with the disease that we forget...
We are our own worst enemies. My opinion is that one of the top tasks of recovery is learning to become our own best friends. It's a total, complete 180-degree shift, and it's HARD. But you're doing great work!
As boss of my own head, I seriously deserve to be fired lol. Can't even let myself enjoy a 5 minute break!
Dear Melly
Great catch I too discovered how destructive my daily thoughts were early in recovery and fired myself. I substituted the slogans, the serenity prayer and reading conference approved literature. I found that allowing myself to feel serenity was a true gift of this program. "Do not project, Stay in the Moment and in the day" were slogans I repeated often and they worked for me
I am reminded of the 3 As as I read your posting . You have had the awareness part -- seeing how you hurt yourself. Since this is crucial to stopping you are now seeing it then moving to acceptance by sharing what you found as you have and the Action is just to pray about it.
Thanks all
I've been reading your post on step 1 on the step-work board each morning Betty, running through the questions mentally to try to reinforce some changes to my thinking.
Thank-you for posting it
Its almost as thought we think we don't deserve any peace...like we are supposed to suffer, fret., stress.....its hard for me to let go and have fun....like for me, its like "ok when is the disaster going to strike" and its b/c I am not staying in the moment and savoring the moment when it is nice......we still think that peace is something that others have the right to and not us.......i am working on changing that.....
called electric cos....contract renewal time...all gloom and doom, rates rising, my income not....I called my existing co. and they said they dint' hear about rates going up, they are the same to them.....they told me to call mid oct. early nov. b4 I am due to re-sign and they said rates sould be lower......i felt myself getting depressed...thinkng...what can I cut to make this work?? then finally I said to myself....."it aint here yet....let it go....don't deal until I have to....." and that is what I am gonna do.....wait until i have to face it
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Okay, Melly, its not funny, but I laughed anyway. I admit it. "yep, it would be just like me to create an imaginary friend who's MEAN to me"" LOL is right!!!!
I can say here without sounding melodramatic, it's trauma after trauma, fear, anxiety, stress. I'm so used to being terrified that's I actually cannot remember how to be any different. Ants in my pants and in my brain, never stops....
Well, today was a be-yootiful spring day and, being school holidays, I decided daughter and dog and I would get out walking and just see where we ended up.
Which turned out to be the park, then the library, then the local magic shop and finally the beach. What a perfectly unproductive-but enjoyable- day.
And once we arrived at the beach, I had a chance to sit down and watch as daughter took underwater pictures with her new water-proof camera and dog chased seagulls up and down the beach which is his favoritest thing to do in the whole wide world. And of course there, suddenly, was that nasty voice- "WHAT are you DOING, shouldn't you be WORRYING about something?" So, I remembered that I fired that voice yesterday, and I said to it politely but firmly "You no longer work here, now kindly leave the premises immediately".
Well, a few minutes later I figured her replacement must have arrived because a new, much nicer voice started up.
"Gosh, isn't it lovely at the beach? And how nice was it in the park? You must have burnt a lot of calories with all of this walking, that's great! Look how happy you child and dog are! What a lovely day!
But then, it got a bit more demanding.
"You know there's no reason you couldn't walk down here every afternoon. If you walked fast enough and you could do the supermarket shopping if you brought a backpack. You really should do that because you don't want to look like a big fat blob in a bikini this year, do you? I don't know why you haven't been walking down here every day to be honest, it's only a 25 minute walk. Well I do know why. It's because YOU"RE LAZY. You're going to walk here EVERY DAY from now on, do you HEAR ME?"
And suddenly I realised, it was HER again, she'd just put on a wig and a different dress and used a fake id to sneak back into my head. Instead of WORRYING she was PLANNING which is really just as bad or maybe worse.
LOL.
Well, I must have looked like a lunatic, giggling to myself on the beach but I'm pleased that I'm picking up these stupid thoughts so quickly now and shoving them out of the garbage chute at the back of my head (did I mention I've installed one of those now? It's fantastic). I love the visual, any nasty thoughts are quickly shoved into bags and pushed out the chute still kicking and screaming. lol.
It was a nice day, anyway. Couldn't fault it in any way
I can so relate and thanks for the topic, I am firing myself as boss right now in my head and letting my HP take over so I can get some peace and serenity! Love to hear your growth! You are so awesome! Sending you love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
That committee in our head. What a group. Good that there is only one voice we need to listen to and heed - that still, small voice within us. Just love your ability to recognize the committee members in your head and to realize they just don't get a vote on you and your life anymore. They didn't want you to notice, but you did. Hugs, Melly.
