hello all old-timers,

I am seeking for advice. My parents are in town. And alcohol runs in our family, it's a long time history. Not all binge drinkers, but alcohol has always been omnipresent. So for me it has become obvious it is creating problems, where if it would be absent, life could have been nicer, more true. Anyway, it's a fact, and we all grew with it, out of it or due to it. Especially my father is growing with it, he has a history too, he was a child too. Today it seems he is in great denial...he is not stupid though, he is from medical field also... 'but it's not a problem for him'...but it's a problem for many around him, who don't necessarily understand the dynamics and who suffer a lot, me included. Mother too by the was... She is the typical wife, blaming, controlling, whining, hoping, caring, crying. With her I can talk about Al Anon.... she is scared, but she also feels some relief....Now it's up to her if she wants to dig more into it. I also had a little 'intervention' with my father...it's hard though, because I don't want to fall into the same blaming pit again, and I'm emotionally not completely detached, we have history , and he is my father. I also want to leave him with the dignity to choose and see for himself. He is in his seventies, and it's quite difficult to make him understand the necessity of a discussion. He has managed a whole life without major setbacks. And I doubt he will feel any hard consequences. Those around him have felt them though already at times. anyway...

So since he is a medical, of course he tells me he has read about alcoholism a long time ago already. He say he knows, and he tells me that there is a difference between Alcoholics and those who enjoy alcohol every day.....lol.....yeah i know where he wants to take me, and it's fine , I'm not following. So I just said, fine, that's for you who is in control, of yourself. So i just suggested that there are other points of view out there, that people around him might get affected in different ways, and as we are all connected, that his behavior, transformed because of alcohol ( self-pity, self-righteous, blaming, accusing that my mother makes him drink, that he has lots in life to cope with...more than others....etc etc etc) may affect big deal his children , his wife especially...and so he has some kind of responsibility to be aware of.

I said,' ok , if you have read and studied all about alcoholism, would you then be ready to read something about Al Anon, for some kind of perspective?' and he agreed. 'yes i'll read that, and then we can discuss about it too'.... it sounded a bit more like time-saving, but ok, i take any opportunity , any little open window to plant a seed. I know he is a clever man, and he loves to deal with things logically and scientifically. So I promised him I would offer him some books about the subject at the next best opportunity.

Now, my Al Anon literature is huge, and some goes also about co-dependency and self-love....so broad range of all relating to program. I read a lot on Kindle and the internet, since I'm in remote area here, but I would like to order some solid books, or at least ONE good one, that explains well the situation of those affected by the disease. Can any one of you out there make any recommendation, to give to read to somebody who might be open to change. i know it's none of my business, and I don't want to take up any controlling role, not this time anymore. and I realize changes are small, the seed will grow, but I think it's worth the step. He has to figure out by himself. and things might hurt him as well. things might affect and scare him as well, and things might alter him as well. I love my father, I love my mother, and they are suffering a big deal, as far as I can see. And my siblings and me are suffering the same. I want to pass it on, a little bit at least.

ok folks, name ONE BOOK, that explains the AL ANON PERSPECTIVE nicely.

thanks, and big hug to all.

Great, Thank you David for the tip, I actually started downloading it myself due to your last post, but internet connection here is quite sloooooow.

In my family of origin, only 1 of us has been interested in AA or Al-Anon although alcoholism tinges every part of our family's history. That is me. I could talk all day and put out all the literature I want to put out there and they will still do what they've always done. I don't know why that's true, but it is. I've just learned to let them be where they are and work my own program to the best of my ability. If somebody sees something in me they really like and ask me what's my secret, then I share. Or if somebody is struggling and wants me to suggest help, then I speak. The rest of the time, family members just ignore me. They don't care that I'm in Al-Anon. They just go pour themselves another drink or open the fridge for a beer. My daughter's eyes glaze over if I mention anything I've learned. My son just listens and then promptly forgets what I've said. Learning to keep the focus on me has helped me immensely.

Thanks all, for your rich comments, and they are all true. i understand what you are saying, and I'm aware I can't change anybody. It's not about me being right or wrong. ANd I realized some time ago that I also need to just stick to my program on my side and keep quiet for the rest of the time. That is still a learning in progress, wow, yes, how many times I thought i knew, and didn't know, and thought i understood and didn't understand anything...I'm still not where I want to be in that. Full detachment! wow yes, a huge goal. But since dad asked me for something to read to understand the concept, i will put something on the desk for him. It's up to him to read the first page...and maybe read up til the last one... i'm powerless, really!
Thanks for sharing.