The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've spent a lot of time searching online for a 'cure / solution / fix' for my A. It took a while to realise that in doing that, I was becoming lost to myself in place of what is going on for him.
Al-Anon helpline was a help, but having read through some of your posts, I came to realise that some people posting on this forum are living my life. Known my A since 7 years old, and he became my partner 2011. I wasn't initially aware he was an A, until I saw one relapse (he is a chronic A, relapses are v dramatic), which ended with him in a police cell. I forgave and decided on an 'everyone deserves a chance approach'. We were together and happy (for around 60% of the time) until he ended our relationship out of the blue 4 weeks ago. He asked me to remain living with him, which I had explained was not possible, but maintained that I would genuinely be his friend in time. We communicated daily until he relapsed 4 days later. I guess this is a common tale.
My problem comes since. I love this man with all my heart, and even when he ended it, I felt that he was just saying words with no real meaning. I've since been to see him (the first time he cried and cried, made excuses, told me he'd made a huge mistake and asked to start again). I told him that we needed to be friends as, until he was able to like and love himself, I didn't think it would be possible for him to love another person as they should be loved. Since, I have been in almost daily. Taken all his money so he cant buy beer, (he just steals it), Fed him, called ambulances, picked him up from the police station (when he's been arrested), and tried to help him 'wean' off... all to no avail, he continues to drinks at least 15 cans a day somehow) I don't want this responsibility. But I love this man, and have known him many years before the alcohol got a grip on him (10 years ago). It's ripping me apart inside, because I love him, I believe he loves me (to the best of his capabilities), but I know that on some level I'm enabling him. I just can't bear the idea that he'll be alone and hurting, when all I want is to love him (knowing it won't do any good). I'm by no means a push over, and have never been in a relationship in any way resembling this one, but without sounding dramatic, he looks like he's dying in front of me and there's nothing I can do. I'm not exactly sure what I hope to get from this post, but I felt from reading your posts, that I'm amongst people that understand.
Hi. Welcome to MIP. There really isn't anything you can do about his problem with alcohol. That's for him to do.
There is something you can do about you, though. So far, you've taken a step towards the help you need to recover from the effects of this disease on you by coming on our board and into our family of recovery life. We suggest Al-Anon face to face meetings in your area, reading Conference Approved Literature that is generally offered at the meetings, taking good care of yourself by not allowing yourself to get too hungry, too angry, too lonely, or too tired. We also suggest that you recognize that you are not the cause of his drinking, can't control his drinking and can't cure his drinking. We call what I just wrote the three "Cs" of our program. We also have on-line meetings at our board twice a day. The days and times are listed at the top of this board. Keep coming back. You're in the right place. Glad you're here.
So glad you are here and yes, welcome home you are in the right place. Hope you find face to face meetings and attend it's more help then you could ever have imagined. Keep coming back and please take advantage of our online meetings between your face to face meetings as often as you like. Look forward to seeing your posts again soon. You are worth it, take care of you today.
Welcome Home !!!!! you are with family. You said," I can't do anything about it" EXACTLY you can't do anything about it. Please get help for yourself. The results of his actions are his to deal with, not yours.
Aloha T and welcome to the board. As you can see your share is very similar to many of ours also and that is a benefit cause we go with the similarities rather than get confused by the differences. Face to face meetings have already been suggested and if you go to the white pages of your local telephone book you'll find the hotline number for Al-Anon. Call that number and find out when and where we get together in your area and then come running. The first part of the first step of our twelve step program is "Admitted we were powerless over alcohol...." It sounds like you're doing that and the surrender is soooo necessary so we can stop fighting that which is incureable as a disease and get to focus on that which we can change which is our thinking, feelings, spirit and behaviors which get as sick as the alcoholic does on alcohol. Alcoholism is a disease...it isn't a moral issue and your alcoholic is sick...not bad. Learning this for myself about my alcoholic/addict wife helped me to have compassion and empathy for her rather than anger, resentment and those other negative thoughts and feelings which don't help anything. Learning as much as I could about the disease taught me about myself and my actions and reaction toward it and my alcoholic/addict and those were and are my responsibilities to change. The MIP board is family...Here we love and support each other and pass on what we learn that works for us so that others can have possible solutions to their own situations. We do not cure the alcoholic; in fact we have 3Cs that direct us and our thinking....We didn't cause it...We cannot control it...We will not cure it.
Keep coming back because this works when you work it. (((((hugs)))))
You are powerless over anything but you....alanon is for US...not them....why??? b/c alanon is a "save your own life" program, just as AA is for the A's and Acoa for the adult chldren of this disease....
I urge you to find the meetings.....work the steps w/a good sponsor....practice in your life, the slogans.....read the literature......AND detach/let go of him and his baggage....its NOT yours and you can't fix him......alanon is for US...so lets talk about what you can do for you......he has to walk his own path.....please give this program a chance
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I've spent a lot of time searching online for a 'cure / solution / fix' for my A. It took a while to realise that in doing that, I was becoming lost to myself in place of what is going on for him.
Welcome Tnika
I too have spent many years searching for a cure and have not found one. What I did find is a solution for me. Please keep coming back because you are not alone and the much needed support is here.
Take care of you my friend.....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
