The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I had a light bulb moment...expectations are what has led to my sadness, dissapointment,ect, ect.
My expectations were what anyone elses would be. In my marriage, I expected to.....
be loved enjoy each others company be nurtured to have a companion to have intimacy to have a friend
I don't think these are anything out of the ordinary, If we don't expect anything, then we will never be dissapointed. right????????
I say BULL CRAP!!!!!!!! I'm not a rock. I cannot turn myself off and become one..... I like that I am a living, breathing, feeling, wanting, needing, giving, loving, human being. So ,Why should I go around having no expectations. I diminish myself for setttling for less than I'm worth.
no wonder I was so pissed off for so long I now have no expectations for my AH.
The way I see it, it's realistic and healthy to expect those things from a marriage -- mutual love, intimacy, companionship, friendship, caring.
Expecting them from any particular person may be unrealistic. Some people just don't have it in them. To expect them to be able to have a healthy marriage is to invite disappointment.
But we should not expect ourselves to feel that that kind of marriage is okay.
Trying to fit our round selves into square holes just never works, does it? I tried to twist myself into pretzel shape to fit into the boxes that weren't right for me in relationships I chose many years ago. Once I had the experience of a healthy, loving relationship - there was no going back to the square hole for me. My body tells me when I'm twisting or trying to force myself into relationships that aren't right for me - or the other person - now. I never see it as wasted time when I'm slipping and catch myself. I just see it as a reminder that I've forgotten what works for me and try again.
probably the most important thing i have learned in my recovery is that I am a child of my Creator, worthy of love, respect, and regard, worthy of having my needs met, worthy of a miracle without need of explanation in my mind, soul, body and life. i am a human being which means i deserve and need courtesy, encouragement, solace when i'm hurting, companionship in my journey, kindness and affirmation. I have the right to expect my needs to be met. i just dont get to pick when, how or by whom. If i'm always going to a dry well for a drink, indeed it is an unhealthy expectation. Recovery isnt about me learning not to need or feel although I tried for years and the only thing it got me was despair. That is an unrealistic and unhealthy expectation. I expect the sun to come up in the morning so I plan accordingly.
We actually talked about expectations last month at our open AA/Alanon meeting.... It is really the first time that I suddenly had a light bulb moment!! I figured out a lot of my sadness and frustrations were coming from my expectations of what I wanted to happen vs. reality... I am still a little amazed that it took this long for me to actually SEE it!! Wow!
It is perfectly fine to have expectations, but for me, I have to analyze to see if they are realistic~~ Otherwise I really set myself up...
