The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So yesterday and today I have experienced minor setbacks with my A. I'm not yelling at myself because I know I am making progress overall. But the setbacks did take me by surprise. Yesterday maybe we didn't communicate well. When I thought she would be coming home was not when she came home. She said she told me but the time but it's not what I heard. I briefly acted like the codep. person I used to be and I was all suspicious about where she was and if she stopped off to drink. I quickly reminded myself I cannot control what she does. I have to deal with whatever she is going to do. I need to let it all go, and I did.
Today was a different topic~her drinking buddies who moved away stay in touch with her. I knew they were calling her today and they did. Her progress was not lying to me. But I have not moved on from the 8 yrs of hurt I suffered from her obsession with them, her lying, her drinking and driving, and the complete disrespect she treated me with. I didn't let it ruin the rest of my day which I would have in the past. That is my progress.
But here is what I figured out: I think I may have had these setbacks because I have been feeling a little more comfortable with her. She is trying-going to meetings, has a sponsor, etc. So I have put a few bricks back in the wall which had come down, but it's not the huge wall with cement and steel. It's just a little wall. So I'm not sure if I can be close to her anymore. The closeness brings pain. I think I still don't know how to detach with love. I am good at just the detaching part, Lyne
Great progress Lyne. I know how you feel about the closeness. When I hit my bottom last month with my A all the walls that had been crumbling all along fell down. The rebuilding is hard and a struggle. He is attending meetings and trying has 30 days now, but so much damage has been done over the last 23 years. So many relapses and this last time I just really accepted that the disease has won. So when he wants me to get all excited and jump on board with how great it is that he is sober I just can't do it. I don't have the energy or the time to waste. I figure actions are stronger than words and over time if we are meant to build a new better life together it will happen. I'm not deciding right now anything just living one day at a time. I will give myself a break and not beat myself up just work on taking care of myself.
Good work, Lyne. We slip. They slip. Getting back up again and starting our day over from that point is the important thing to me. It also makes us more willing to accept its no easier for our loved ones to stay on track then it is for us.
What worked for me Lyne was altering my expectations...realistic or maybe just a bit more realistic. so that my reactions and triggers were not so out there. When I changed my expectations she noticed and felt it...I was more relaxed and less prone to stalk here and what she was or was not doing. Letting go or perfectionism was a major step in the right direction.
Good progress! Be gentle with you. Acceptance, detachment, letting go of what is not serving us well takes time. No one is perfect and that's more than ok. One day at a time.
