The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
One thing that's been hitting the "hurt" button with me is reading posts from people talking about their A as their "best friend" who has been "lost" to them. 'Cause my A used to be my best friend too, but I don't think about that anymore. It's been so long since there was a connection between us- a laugh-intimacy- a real sense of friendship. The last time I can remember- if I really really thing about it- was 2 years ago, when we got drunk together one night and walked to the beach and sat in a rockpool and looked at the stars and talked crap all night long. And even then, it was an anomaly and I remember thinking "wow- look at us! We're friends again, this is amazing!" Or there was one other night around that time- we went to a wedding, stayed overnight in a "haunted" hotel, got drunk and stoned and went exploring the old building. Those are the good memories. The ones when I got wasted too.
But there's really been nothing since then, and probably nothing for 2 years prior to that even. It's all just loneliness and arguments, and absolute crap.
In fact, if I look at the entire relationship, what I remember as "good" is a series of a few moments (all of them involve me getting drunk and having fun "his way") and those are the times when I think I remember feeling "connected" to him. In reality those moments probably add up to a week out of 7 years of horror.
And then I think of what we argue about. The few times when he has gone "dry" and told me he wants this and that- he wants us to be a happy family. He wants us to save money and have things. He wants to take me on holidays and have dinner parties (with who?) and build an empire. So I argue, over and over and feel absolutely justified- "But you said you wanted this! And you said you wanted this! And this! You lied to me!!!"
But all of those things were just momentary lapses of reason (to steal a quote) for him. He is this. An addict. He has been an addict for as long as I have known him. Expecting him to change because "he said he would, last March when we were talking after dinner" or whatever...well, it's just kind of cruel. Like I just jumped on that dying horse and I've been trying to ride it home ever since.
I miss my friend and I believed in his dreams. So much so that I became addicted to them. But they weren't real, and I am still clinging on to them, and I need to stop. He wants to be an addict right now and as far as I know, forever. He shows me that with his actions every day. I need to stop clinging on to his occasional "lucid" words and trying to enforce them. I need to accept, it never was.
It is sad and your story is the same as mine and most of the people here. There is a period of grief when awareness sets in. anger followed for me and to be honest has not really left me but after awareness comes acceptance and thats when you begin to feel free. Free of the constant disappointment that comes with loving an A. My A was my best friend or so I thought, it turns out it was all based on denial and actually he was my worst enemy. I go in and out of compassion - I get it for a fleeting moment and then it passes. I think when compassion becomes natural and not forced I will consider myself far along in my recovery but for now I still feel loss, hurt and anger. I have nothing to do with my ex now and in some ways that is much easier. Although, his legacy remains in our three children, who all show signs of being affected. That is where it sticks in my craw (angers me) the fact that he just checked out again. He is in AA as far as I know and while I know I should wish him well and hope he gets better I actually hate the fact his abandonment of our family continues but just in another way. Anyway, Im waffling on here. I think you are heading in the right direction for you and your child.x
I too miss the exAH, but after 15 years I was holding onto a dream of who I wanted him to be and not the actual him he actually was most of the time and when I came to reality I had to let him go. He and I still talk on the phone from time to time if it is early enough in the day before he is drunk, it is a sad, but a very real reality that I can not sit back and live with him watching him do what he does while keeping my sanity, I tried very hard! I in no way am telling you to leave only you know what will work for you. This is my story and I can so very much relate to missing things about him, but I am on a much healthier journey now with our girls. Sending you much love and support!
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Sending you love and support on your journey always! BreakingFree
Al-Anon/Alateen Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 800-344-2666
" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional."
"Serenity is when your body and mind are in the same place."
I believe my A truly wanted the things he spoke of when he spoke of having happiness, peace, family; family members remarked on how grounded he was when things were at their best with me and I think deep down he really wanted them. The addiction was stronger.
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I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
Melly - that's a profound revelation and one I came to through leading up to leaving the ex-A. Even if you are not there yet, something is working in you. You are saying to yourself "I deserve better" and that is what I am noticing from your alanon journey already. Self-esteem is growing whether you see it or not.
You are a talented writer, a smart woman, and have so much going for you. It's going to be okay.
Thank you Melly, for a very profound share. I feel the same too about my A. It's those dreams he's sold me on and some great times which would possibly add up to a week, that have kept me holding on. It's the fleeting glimpses of the wonderful person that he keeps trapped inside of his addictions, the person I fell in love with, that keep me going. However, the ugly truth is that it seems that I don't live with that person anymore, and I see those glimpses of him less and less.
Thanks again, and please keep sharing (like hotrod says)...
