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I'm a huge offender in that area ESPECIALLY when I started making a conscious decision about getting a divorce .. I got my hands on every single piece of paperwork I could get and started filing everything down. In my mind THAT is not snooping that is being proactive and thank goodness I was because he has an atty who I spoke to one woman in court before everything started that man delayed 10x .. I was horrified .. he did delay with me a whole big 24 hours and boy was he pissed .. LOL. I still love to tell that little story. It was a good day for me.
I'm talking about the whole needing to confirm what the gut truly already knows and letting go of the fear I might be right. I am really trying to listen to that part of myself because it's there for a reason and while I don't need to make wild accusations I do need to pay attention to that part so I'm not living in denial. I don't know if I'm communicating this well.
The God of my understanding absolutely provides me with what I need to know .. I will know when I need to know and actually when I am ready to know. When I am snooping I figure I am pushing my will over God's and HP has a much better plan than I do.
Plus when I snoop I have to be willing to be responsible for my own hurt feelings .. yes .. it sucks that someone would lie over big and little things such as drinking I mean after all I must be special because it's only ME he lies to .. he's not lying to anyone else. My own distorted thinking .. if he's lying to me he's lying to everyone else. The person he lies the most to is himself .. and that's pretty sad when you think about it. Back to the hurt feelings .. I cause myself most of my own pain .. because that's me in the victim mode .. look what he's doing to ME .. how awful HE is. Never mind that I'm violating his privacy .. never mind that my own disease has me acting like a crazy person .. never mind that because I look I cause myself pain by confirming the very thing that I already know.
As an example .. I knew things were right before he left 20 months ago .. OMGosh sooo hard to believe. Anyway, .. it was a HP thing (I call it a God thing .. lol) his account popped up and literally that's how I found out about the affair .. can I tell you how hard I looked before that I KNEW something was up. Well guess what .. looking back and how insane the previous 2 years had been there is no way I could have handled that information. He tried to screw me out of money and guess what .. in my mail box came information that basically outlined the bonus he received .. boy is he hot about that one. He continues to deny the information .. he continues to say his quarterly bonuses never happen .. I am just like whatever. I had to laugh to myself and say you have to be kidding.
When the information needs to be heard or seen .. HP truly finds a way to make it come out. I found out on a fluke that the kids and I have been without insurance starting in April of this year through June .. thank you God that nothing bad happened during that time .. he would have been in SOOO much trouble. His atty must have told him to fix that immediately because we have it now and thank you God again that we did not have anything major happen to me or the kids. I just was so horrified that he would do this and not tell me he had done it .. soooo .. of course all of that will have to be court mandated and he will get his world rocked if that were to happen again. He is truly not a smart man I do feel sorry for him.
Anyway, when I need to know .. HP gives me more information than I usually want .. lol .. right now I'm going through 30 pages of things I will need to get some help deciphering .. it's ok .. in the long run it's all going to workout. It just may be a REALLY long run!!!
Hugs P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Self preservation is one issue, and, on the other hand, self preservation is an issue. It seems normal to want to have every bit of help, and Lord knows that we feel we can use it. Be gentle with you in the process. There did come a point in time when I chose to no longer snoop, as I realized that it created more damage than it helped. The jury isn't back regarding if there was/will be an actual pay off from it; ultimately, I am not in control and his disease runs it's own course as does the court. Take care of you, what ever that means for today.
Thank You for this very honest "Truthful share"The ODAT has many pages devoted to on this topic "HP dos not speak in code " MY job is to learn to listen to that "still small voice WITHIN", trust it, and ACT IN MY BEST INTEREST, in a constructive way.
Before alanon ,my problem was that I heard the small voice, DENIED IT went about snooping and asking others opinion and then reacted in a destructive manner.
I love one of the meditations in our C2C readers: "What I need to know will come to me with no effort on my part." This reminder has often helped me when my curiosity and need to know has been jumping up and down inviting me to put my nose into things that aren't my business or areas of concern that are much bigger than me to solve on my own. Fortunately, that still small voice that Betty speaks of has actually become louder than the voice of my own meddling curiosity and need to know.
Thanks for the share, Pushka. You sure are putting progress principles into action.
Sometimes I do still snoop. And I dont feel bad about it. I dont do it all the time but there are times my still small voice says to look and verify bc of actions and attitudes.
I'm scared to snoop I no what it's like to have my important things been looked at and it was just a snoop he worked them change my words around and made enemy's for me and I don't care what my A has hidden I rather not no want no part of It
