The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Something that has come up in my therapy is the whole I'm a victim mentality Vs being victimized and choosing to take a different route.
When I first came to Alanon I definitely felt other people did things to me and looking back I can now see how much power I used to give away on a daily basis. I was able to hide and pretend that I didn't have to own any responsibility for where I was at in my own life. As long as I'm a victim I don't have to take responsibility for my decisions because it's always someone else's fault I didn't (fill in the blank). Now there are situations that were truly out of my control, as I can't control the fact the STBAX went out and got a DUI, or had an affair, his abuse and drinking. Things that happened to me when I was a child, those are all things that I couldn't control and I felt helpless.
I am powerless over other people, places, and things .. I am not helpless. Yes, I have been victimized, .. I choose not to be a victim of circumstances. I accept that some of these situations really suck and are not fair by my definition of fair. I am no longer helpless and I can make good decisions for different consequences (I believe that every choice has a consequence so that means consequences can be either good or bad). I can open my mind and therefore open myself up to more than one choice in any given situation (outside of life or death as those are emotional decisions in that moment).
I owe so much to Alanon and to the boards for reminding me of my worth .. HP doesn't make junk. It doesn't mean that everything is easy .. it's just different and sometimes things have to get different to get better.
Today I feel stronger, better, and even more able to cope with the situations that will continue to present themselves as I am still stuck in this process for a little longer. I have new tools to use and practice with which is huge. I can choose happiness on a daily basis. I can also focus on what is positive vs what is negative. I'm very grateful for the opportunities that the God of my understanding has blessed my little family with and each day all three of us get better. That is a miracle.
Anyway sending much love and prayers to all out there .. life isn't meant to be easy .. it's a beautiful, complex, messy, gooey and sometimes it hurts .. it's always a miracle. It's all because we are made to adapt and do more than survive .. we thrive. P :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
Thank you, Pushka. Great share. I was here reading your struggles many months ago and it's great to read your personal growth. I think you have put into words here what I came here to post about too. I was just thinking how little it helps me to read things like "Be grateful", "Always look on the bright side" (of life...LOL, for any Python fans out there), or one that really ticks me off: "See the glass half full". The key for me to naturally being able to understand these cliches is what you are talking about with choosing not to be a victim, and realizing the power is all mine.
I've spent most of the past week swinging between "Pity party for one, your table is ready", and "I can do this!". What I'm slowly starting to learn, is that before working any kind of Al Anon principles, the cliches are just cliches and I never really believed them. But now, I know that the power is all mine, I am worthy and I do count.
I have been thinking that either the world is an evil, nasty place that is against me, or that it's a pretty great place and I have SO many choices. The latter, of course, promotes serenity.
I don't know. I'm sure I'm spouting really obvious stuff here. But man is it easy for me to slip back into self-pity. It's a terrible habit I'm trying to kick.
What a powerful post Pushka, thank you.
Learning about the 'victim triangle' has been one of my most helpful lessons - it helps me to spot when I'm falling into my pity party trap, which is often closely followed by an angry outburst and then guilt! A hiding to nothing in other words So now I can put a halt to that cycle at the first stage by recognising that I need to gift myself with something nice - then the anger and guilt stages don't even get a look in.
I like your perspectives today...you have more of them then before and they have grace and margin...I like that alot. You're growing Sis so more change is coming. It will be nice....((((Hugs))))
So now I can put a halt to that cycle at the first stage by recognising that I need to gift myself with something nice - then the anger and guilt stages don't even get a look in.
