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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Forgot I'm meant to wait on the shelf until I'm needed :-p
Post Info TOPIC: Forgot I'm meant to wait on the shelf until I'm needed :-p
Melly1248


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Forgot I'm meant to wait on the shelf until I'm needed :-p
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So, I took a deep breath, and adjusted my thinking as best I could.

See, before I wrote that last post, I made a little plea to the A- just a little one- I said "I'm really struggling with the isolation and loneliness at the moment, do you think you could make an effort to be friendly and speak nicely to me since you're the only adult I see most days?" He responded with furious anger.

So, since then, I've tried to fit my situation into the most "bearable" mindset I can; for the time being, with him paying half of the rent and spending his time barricaded in his room, I can simply pretend I am living alone in a very affordable house and for the moment, I can just be OK with that. So, reading, tidying, getting out for walks and- well, I haven't bitten the bullet and done any study yet but I've thought about it a lot (lol). And I've been looking for part-time work, planning the school holidays and reading the learner-driver manual since I'm about to start lessons again. I'm very tired, energyless and sluggish for some reason but hey, it'll pass. I know it will. I always get a little depressed and "fatigued" when the school holidays approach because my daughter goes away for half of them and that's when the loneliness REALLY gets hold of me. I need to plan these ones really really well so that my week alone is about GROWTH not self-pity. 

So last night I watched a show that we used to watch together. This morning he came into my room to ask me for cigarettes and he said "when I get home tonight I'll watch (that show) with you. (I'd been asking him to watch it for over a week and he'd spent every night in his room so it seemed reasonable to watch it on my own really). So I said "I watched it already, it was good".  Well the look of mortification on his face- the bewildered hurt way he stood there gaping at me and eventually said "FINE" and stormed out....made me realise, the very idea that I might get on with things and be happy without him is quite horrifying to him. This tells me that not only does he KNOW his behaviour makes me miserable, he expects and WANTS his behaviour to make me miserable. There's just no way to grow WITH him; he'll actively fight against me at every turn. So what's next? Judging by the past I am guessing that when he realises his ignoring me isn't having the effect he hoped for, he'll rejoin me in the living room and treat me to a drunken horror show every night until I am half-mad with lack of sleep. But now I'm just projecting.

So, as much as anything, I'm writing this to remind myself of where I am at in the endless cycle I have been living in. What's different is me and what will never be different is him, so best get on with making my life as happy as possible and somehow, SOMEHOW get through that 1st week of the school holidays when my daughter is at her dads and the isolation drives me just a little bit mental. Suggestions for coping with a week of virtual complete isolation welcome! The second week will be great as my parents will be back from europe and daughter and I will go and stay, visit my grandmothers new house and a host of other fun stuff. That part I'm looking forward to.



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of September 2013 06:20:25 AM



-- Edited by canadianguy on Thursday 19th of September 2013 11:30:22 AM



-- Edited by Melly1248 on Thursday 19th of September 2013 11:48:52 AM



-- Edited by Melly1248 on Thursday 19th of September 2013 11:52:45 AM

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hotrod


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MELLY

 

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL, INTELLIGENT WOMAN WHO NEEDS TO SHARE THAT WITH THE WORLD.

i DO UNDERSTAND  HOW YOU ARE FEELING AND THE PROBLEM WITH ISOLATION.   YOU ARE A FANTASTIC WRITTER. WHY NOT WRITE OUT YOUR ASSETS AND GRATITUDE LIST EACH DAY AND POST IT HERE FOR US ALL TO APPRECIATE.  

THIS WAY YOU WILL BE ABLE TO THINK, KNOW AND FEEL YOUR  INDIVIDUAL POWER AND ABILITIES

 



-- Edited by hotrod on Thursday 19th of September 2013 10:40:13 AM

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
rehprof


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yesterday, my counselor said "you can't insight your way out of this"

I KNOW what I need to do to get better, and change my situation...but I have to DO something different to actually get the change I need.

I got "busted!" biggrin

RP



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hotrod


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Melly

Oldergirls' post yesterday said it all  http://alanon.activeboard.com/t55010279/misery-is-a-choice/



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


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When you are ready to stop being a victim and powerless, you will take the right action.



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Paula
Melly1248


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Yeah I read oldergal's post in fact I had it in mind while I was writing. Maybe I didn't express myself as intended on account of my compulsive whinging lol but I don't feel helpless or victimised, I'm just trying to reinforce to myself- "That way lies darkness and despair" wheras "THAT way lies possibilities".

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PP


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You may not have expressed yourself as you intended, but truth is truth.  Sometimes we cannot see what others can.



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Paula
grateful2be


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Hi, Melly. One of our country's best writers, Julia Cameron, suggests writing morning pages - at least 300 words a morning. Solitude is a tool of writers that is needed to let the muse create on paper. What if you turn your part of the house into a writer's studio and write, write, write while your daughter is on holiday?

I notice when I write - and maybe you have noticed the same thing - I'm totally unaware of anything but what is going on through my fingers and before my eyes. You have no responsibilities when your daughter is gone for a few days. He can cook, clean, eat, bathe, game or whatever else he chooses while you're busy practicing your craft if you choose. Every good published author I've read walls themselves off to the rest of the world in their own home with a big "DO NOT DISTURB" boundary in place or rent space in an isolated location where they'll be left alone to write.

One of the beautiful things about an author's/writer's imagination is our ability to create castles rather than prisons in our minds and use that ability to our advantage if we choose. When I am released from responsibilities and am completely responsible for myself alone, I can start writing in the morning dressed in my robe and before I know it it is 5 p.m. and I'm still in my robe and hungry.



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
Tracy


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Hi Melly,

I relate to your grief at the loss of your partner to this disease.  All I ever wanted was my A to love me spend time with me be nice to me.  But he couldnt he hated him self he was so so ill so empty he had nothing to give.  It is the disease that is a monster!!!

When my kids were away I nevcer got lonely because I eat drank Slept al anon, is there any face to face meetings in your area, do you go?

I have made my best friendships in al anon.  They love me, I have fun with them, I am not alone.  I started to focus on my life and left him to his.  Today my parter is sober and the monster is a sleep but I still love me and spend time with my al anon friend my life is my resposibility if my A is nasty I remove myself and go and get a hug of an al anoner.

 

It works if you work it and you r worth it hugs tracy xxxxx

 



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Melly1248


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G2B, setting myself some kind of writing goal is a good idea. A daily short story...7 short stories in a week...I like it. But, also, I must get up and out of this house and find purposeful things to do outside of it. It's becoming a real prison and I am rattling around in my head far too much. Whenever my daughter has her week away in the school holidays, I tend to become really morose and even fail to go outdoors at all for the entire week. I want to prepare myself this time and have good motivating reasons to get up and go out. Like a job (wow that's a scary thought).
When I switched from on-campus to on-line study 2 years ago I could never have dreamed how housebound, aimless and depressed I would get and, having always been a super-busy and hard-working person until we moved here to the middle of no-where, this sedentary lifestyle is really taking a toll on me. For the first year I worked hard with my A (or should I say instead of him) at his business (lawn-mowing) and whilst I was busy and exhausted at the end of every day, I stopped doing anything for myself including study; once he abandoned his business I just kind of curled up into a useless ball and I've become something I despise- lazy, sleeping excessively, tired, vague and apathetic. Half the time I feel like I am wading through fog. These are traits I used to find abhorrent in others. Now I do so little that I feel like I might as well just stay in bed. Sometimes I do. Gross, huh?

It helps to remind myself that focusing on the A and his rollercoaster will not help me and nor will buying into his occasional attempts at "normal". A year ago I probably would have considered his request to watch a show together as a "breakthrough" or something sad like that. I might have even felt happy all day about it. So if I write too much about what he says/does and how it's all deceptive bull-droppings, it's just me trying to stay aware and not get sucked into the crazy.I should probably just journal that stuff and save this place for me and what I'm doing. Or better yet dismiss it altogether. But I get bored, lonely, want to connect with other adults... I guess whinging about the A doesn't help with RL friendships and it wont help here either lol!

Tracy there's one meeting in my town and I do attend it. I guess, given that I have no particular timetable to follow during the holidays I could journey to the city and attend a meeting there as well. That's- actually a good idea.

If I could just wake myself up, give myself a shake and get to work I could have my course finished in 12 months, be qualified, and start really living and building my career. But ugh half the time I feel like I'm sleepwalking.

Must Shake Self Out Of Zombie-ism!!!!

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Melly1248


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Betty, that sounds like something I would enjoy doing
I'm going to do that.
Thanks

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ilovedogs


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I write in a gratitude journal daily....well, almost daily, LOL! You're doing awesome, by the way, just keep taking the focus off of him and put that focus back on you. You are worth it!

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maryjane


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Yup. I know how it is to be put on the shelf....and be expected to come off the shelf and be happy and grateful. It is very lonely. I tried bowling in a league, taking ceramics lessons, practicing the piano.... I finally stwrted taking college classes, one class each semester because I still had 4 girls to raise. I finally graduated when the last 2 were in high school. I could get my own job and my own pay check and my own savings account in my own name. Then the hubby got sober and said "why dont we put all the accounts together!" I said no thanks. I'll just keep mine separate and have an emergency account. But it all started because I felt I was on the shelf.

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maryjane
el-cee


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Hi melly I know how you feel. The suggestion I can gI've are use the slogans. Focus on them like live and let live it helps letting go. He has the right as an adult to lock himself away and drink. Don't take it personally. Easier said than done I know. The slogans really helped me in the beginning. Take care.x

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