I'm not sure how it happened.  I visited my coworker at her cubicle today because she's the only left of her team after downsizing.  She sits in a big room of empty offices and empty cubicles on the other side of our building alone.  She isn't going to leave until they tell her to go and that kinda makes sense.  It's a pay check until then.  She isn't really a friend of mine at work but I've had no grievances with her and felt sorry for her because she's cut off from the rest of us in the building. A few weeks ago I had some craft items I was going to get rid of and the receptionship suggested I offer them to this woman because she was active with the scouts and her daughter is an elementary school teacher. I thought that was a good idea so I visited my coworker in the big empty office.  She told me the scouts and her daughter, the teacher could make use of the items so I brought them in and gave them to her.  I stopped by to see her again today and told her a bunch of us are going out to lunch with two people tomorrow who have lost their jobs in the company. I invited her along. She said she hadn't received an invitation and I told I was inviting her and that I had not received an invitation either but was friends with the two who are leaving.  I mentioned that the person who sent the email didn't know everyone to invite and had gotten in trouble with management for sending invites to the whole office to say good bye to those who are not settled in new jobs with the company.  I told this woman that I didn't understand not being included in the email to be a slight and that quite a few of the people in our office were going. She still wasn't interested so I accepted that.

She began chit chatting with me about her daughter's future mother in law. She told me the woman was all 3 of the things she "despised."  She was from...., she was (ethnicity) and she was (religion).  I said to her well... I am 2 out of 3 of those. She said.. well, I'm sorry but that how I feel.  I find people from .... to be really rude and pushy and (ethnicity) to be.... and (religion)..... She spoke in a complimentary way about being from this part of the country where I am currently living and the demeanor of her family and of course... the predominant religion here as ideal.

You'd think I would've just looked at her, given her a tisk sound and walked away from her but nooooooooooooooo!!!!   Guys, it was like my two feet were buried in cement.  I just stood there and began explaining how those were stereotypes and that "we're really not like that."  Looking back at today, I could just kick myself in the a$$ from here to China.  I mean .. talk about giving your power away to someone.  Then when I named an airport back where I lived, I could hear it coming and sure enough it did! She commented on my accent when I said the name of the airport named after a man who was the nationality of the people she claimed to despise.  She said, "you still have THE accent a little."  Again, I responded politely and laughed and said I did.

What I would have liked to have said to her is what you refer to as rude and pushy, we see as busy and assertive back where I come from.  Could what you call being "nice" in this state, be sexual repression and passive aggressiveness?  But at the risk of looking like the rude, pushy beotch from that state, I took it from her crp.

I gave her so much power over me.  I remember when I first moved here and my accent was thicker and I my humor was a little brassy but not crude and I believed people were open and accepting of everyone because where I'd come from there was so much diversity.  Meanwhile people were smiling at me but ridiculing me behind my back. It was hurtful when I found out because where I moved from the culture is straightforward. If someone doesn't like you, they distance themselves and you know rather than smiling in your face which basically leads you on.

Somehow though today in that encounter with her, I stopped believing in myself and let her devalue me and I didn't assert myself. Maybe it was lack of sleep. Maybe I'm just not emotionally and mentally sharp these days because of all the downsizing at work, grieving my mom.

Naturally... I need to stay away from this woman.  I don't need to back track and call her on anything she said.  I know she isn't a safe person. She's toxic. Lesson learned.   I just needed to get this out, to release it.  Thanks for reading along.   TT 

I, too, laughed at you "standing in cement"  but it wasn't funny how this toxic woman treated you......b4 recovery I was either giving my power away by taking their crap, OR, I wold trade venom with venom and I can bite like a TX brown recluse.....BAAAAD

now??? I just smile and say something kinda jovial, like  "gee I hope your day gets better...I will send some happy energy to you"   (if they are real rude) and then walk away w/a big grin on......but her putting down folks b/c of their ethnic background or their region  or their beliefs,  I would just , now, smile at her and say something like "well you have a nice day"  and walk away........no further talks w/her.....avoidance......if I have to deal w/her keep it professional and hold my class and let her marinate in her own hate..........

people who are narrow minded, stupid and just plain "haters" of anyone who isn't like them , I have no use for.....To hate b/c of race, religion or lack thereof, or sexual preference  or where you live, or come from is just plain DUMB and I don't anymore give these people any of my energy.......in facebook I see  a lot  of this on some pages I am on and I am just astounded how these people lived to be as old as they are......oh well, i guess they are useful as lessons., LOL

Don't beat yourself up, a "bad hair" day or a "tired" day can cause one to have a brain freeze......U learned the lesson,  bless it and move and and give thanks to your HP, you aint like her, LOL

Tired that reminds me of me when I have expectations of others rather than accepting them for who and what they are which is so much more safe and rational.  They get to be who they are and I get to be who I am.   I learned many different way on how to respond to the alcoholic/addict and then realized I could do the very same with all the different people I meet/met.  Yeppers at times I want to try harder to win (what ever) until I realize...This isn't about winning at all.  Unconditional Love is what works for me in these situations.  You're okay.  ((((hugs))))