"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

If alcoholism is a disease...

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Alcoholism is not a moral issue...

Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions...a compulsion of the mind and allergy of the body. It is an obsession accompanied with an addiction and the alcoholic looses the ability to choose if and when he drinks.

It is the "choose" statement that lots of us/me had a problem with because I couldn't visually see or understand the compulsion and obsession. My alcoholic and I never ever talked about that part especially at the time it was running our entire system even we thought that it was always a good idea, a thought to drink and wouldn't come to understand the driving voice behind it. It was always a good time to drink...when we wanted to, when someone else wanted to and when we didn't or didn't care. Drinking is a habit like blowing your nose...you never think about it you just do or better still; like breathing...you never think about it' it just comes on and we do it. The consequences are different than breathing. When you drink you become altered and that also becomes a habit and your life going down the toilet...mind, body, spirit and emotions becomes normal and we rationalize it, justify it, defend it and deny that it is a problem for us...even when we know it owns us...we cannot stop even if God were to tell us not to and we all know that our wives and family have more power than God does.

I was born into the disease of alcoholism...not my choice. I was predisposed to being alcoholic from birth...not my choice, not my family's choice and certainly not the intention of my Grandmother in the face of my mother, her daughter asking her stidently not to do it...turning me on. My Mom knew what would or could happen and my Grandmother didn't know anymore about the disease of alcoholism than I did. She gave me the wine and I will never ever forget what happened next...I would not choose after that no to until I reached the doors of Al-Anon and had been thru two addictive marriages, been in toxic shock 3 times myself (didn't know you could overdose on that stuff) and more addictive relationships than I care to talk about.

Bettina...because alcoholism and diabetese share common symptoms and alcoholism greatly affects the pancreatic system often creating the condition itself, for me I no longer make distinctions and only accept. One of my best friends was diabetic and followed his treatment for that condition however he continued to relapse with alcohol. Before I lost him completely, he had lost a leg and then his life and at the moment I miss him. Diabetics still face compulsions which run contrary to their best awareness of health and then follow in with the compulsion.

The alcoholic like the diabetic and cancer patient still must become responsible for their treatment, their health. They are primarily responsible outside of anyone else. Reaching out for help is a secondary source to be supported with and still the primary responsibility. Detachment isn't abandonment. It isn't even close to those who know how to work it and work it well. Detachment with Love is an art form and I went to every lesson session I could get to to learn it. It's about doing "a part" not "all parts" and doesn't relieve the alcoholic, or diabetic or cancer patient isolated from doing theres. Abandonment is isolation; detachment isn't. Detachment for me says If I can I will and when I can I will. Detachment with love gives the gift of respect and honor and dignity.

I learned early on in Al-Anon this lesson. If I were to step in and take over and my alcoholic/addict got clean and sober...who would get the credit for it...would I assume the credit; and if she didn't recover and possibly got worse or died who would own the failure? The program is full of metaphors to help us understand and I needed all of them. My alcoholic/addict exwife is one of my recovery metaphors. Thank you God for the lesson.

(((((hugs))))) smile

-- Edited by Jerry F on Thursday 19th of September 2013 01:14:25 AM

Rose50 · Senior Member

If alcoholism is categorized as a disease, then why do we say to fully detach from the alcoholic? One wouldn't abandon a family member that had cancer or diabetes. confuse As an example - my son has a dual diagnosis of alcoholism and depression.

Both of his sisters have fully detached and feel I should do the same. Remove myself totally out of his life. That would be devastating to him as he needs to know someone cares. I'm all he has right now.

This is something I don't quite understand.

Gaby · Senior Member

My understanding of detach: is detach with love. Let them know your there when there ready to get the help they know they need. I thought the same when my son was going the wrong direction. I always ran to his rescue. I never let my son fall not even come close. Even though there were times that I had no control and he ran a muck and overdose many times and I was called even then I ran sick to my stomach to his rescue. This last time my family did an intervention and he was not in the right state of mind and my brother said move a side Gaby this is his doing my son left choice at the time his drugs over sobriety as the night came he realized he had no where even though he is one that can survive the streets. He knew that was not him. But the thought of him being out there I would have needed lots of meds to sedate me from helping him. Pray but detach with love and let him know your there whe he is ready to get the help HE knows he needs. Lots of prayers :)

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Rose)))

Detach with love does sound like abandoning a person who is ill and goes against all we believe. Alcoholism is a disease. One of the symptoms of the disease is denial. This denial tells the sick person that they are well an do not need help Denial tells the alcoholic that they are right and the world , you wrong and crazy.

In order to break through that powerful symptom, it is important to let the alcoholic feel the pain of their disease down to their soul. They need to think ,know and feel the result of their disease and know they need help.

.

This is a painful difficult road for us keep coming back you are not alone.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t38730205/okay-so-what-can-we-do/

The long answer to your question would take pages and pages to write out (Toby does a pretty darn good job on the attached link).

The short answer to your question is because although it IS a disease, it is also a disease where the cure has an element of choice to it. If we don't allow the alcoholics to bear the brunt & consequences of their choices/behaviors, they will never grow out of their disease.

Tom

John · ~*Service Worker*~

I recently wrote about detaching with love, I hope you'll read it.

http://alanon.activeboard.com/t54722805/detachment-with-love/

Rose50 · Senior Member

(((grateful2be)))

I cried reading about your experience. Thank you for sharing such a painful and private time of your life. I truly believe your HP was there, watching over you, holding you up when all else failed.

You are very perceptive. I had a very bad day yesterday - all I could see was my son's tear streaked face as we parted ways. My heart hurts so much for him. I know he is trying his best but right now nothing seems to be going right in his life. He has all these challenges and poor coping skills.

I am so grateful for discovering this forum, being able to honestly share, and to the people here who have opened up and continue to keep my son in their prayers.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

When I reached the end of my own coping skills, my own resources, my own know how, HP was there. The ending point was actually the beginning point for me. That has played itself out in my life several times. I'll bet it has in yours, too? I've heard it said that when men cry, the Spirit is there.

To share a bit more on my son's birthday yesterday. It had not rained when I picked my son up to celebrate his birthday in a limited way and drive him to an appointment he chose to keep. He was chatting about some birthday surprises and things he'd done for himself as I watched traffic and listened to him. Suddenly, he said, "Look, Mom, a rainbow!" I noticed it in the western sky and wondered about its appearance when the sun was shining and it hadn't rained. I also wondered about its significance in our lives together at that special moment in time. We saw it together. Was it a promise of HP? I don't know. All I know is that we were together for a brief time in that day of our lives - the disease that has kept us physically apart for much of our adult lives - seemingly asleep in the backseat. And together we saw a rainbow on the 38th year of his birth close to the time he was delivered into the world.

Your son's life and your life are miracles in the making, Rose. HP is greater than any adversity we encounter or any disease. I've had to ask myself at times when my son's challenges or my challenges were ominous, where is my faith? Is it in a Higher Power untouched by this disease or is it in the disease and its consequences? When I know the answer, I can change my focus.

Much, much, much understanding and support, Rose. Keep looking up!!!!

afglin · Senior Member

I don't see detaching as abandoning at all. It is just a way of not letting their actions ruin our day. It is loving them and supporting them but not taking on their crap.

LIN

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Detaching with Love

and we can learn to LOVE the person & HATE the disease...:)

Prayers to you! Thank you for sharing!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"