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This is true I have to keep going forward to my journey to be free healthy and happy . I love Alaon no one exspect nothing from me just pray for me to change and get better. I also belong to a new family of domestic abuse . They welcomed me to there board with acceptance and there's so many ppl on there that are co dependents . In fact we all are . As you all no I no who I am family of very bad of abuse in every way you ID it. My sister who would have me sleep on the floor found me on a name search she was very concerned about my appearance she did not recognize me. I'm starting to lose weight again and hair falling out and 3 hours of sleep due to my PTSD I no I'm drained but no energy to get that boost . I need to get going I'm in love with my bed and pillows I never want to leave them they keep me warm safe and hiding . Ppl like me that gone thru so much they understand how I talk its not confusing I'm talking from the inner person of abuse. My FEAR will always be there trying to face it very hard. My husband been reading alot of books about my abuse and has forgotten about his program I don't dare bring it up, it's not my side to clean he attends 1 meeting a week now does not speak to his Sponser because he no longer needs him he has is life in control ! Since he knows that his drinking and sobriety has played a big part in my life he back to taking care of me . We have made amends we are bonding again BUT he found this other book that ID him . with what to and how to gain control . When it's lost or taking away . I want to burn this book !!! This is a unhealthy book to read around me he acknowledge that he is controlling man . My FEAR is now he no how to control in a different way to gain better results. He found ways to control me with my triggers and tells me you need to face them so give in let me help!! I'm back to that mouse being experimented on. Try's to tell me I'm not really sick it's in my head this is true but it's been placed in my head he had a big part in it. Yes I like him to help me get better by support not by taking over my mind and telling me he knows what's best for me . He states he need a group to help him deal with me and my defects . That word defect to some one that's always been know to be that , the one that never fit in those words hurt he says it will go away there just feelings. My point is now he knows about me what triggers to push he spends all day reading a book and wanting me to take quizes to see if I have any other form of abuse . How do you tell your sober husband please don't tell me anymore things I'm not ready to here ,your making me worst .could he be using this to manuiplated me? If I say anything I here your not well enough to make that choice.
My husband and I have gone back and forth with the 'who's sicker - and who made who sick' thing. Luckily it was short lived as it was pointless and not the point of recovery to look at the other person all the time until they're so sick of you looking at them that they pick up even more sick habits to get away. It's a whirlwind of despair when you get all snarled up and tangled.
Having unraveled from that, what I learned was, it doesn't really matter who's 'the sickest' or who caused it. It was something that goes generations back for both of us. For all of us. We didn't just 'poof' get unlucky and end up with a sick person. There was a reason in the making long long before. You end up with people who are just as sick as you, and all those issues are set in place long before you ever whisper the sweet nothings to each other when you meet.
We are attracted to people who complete our cycle of abuse as children, and I didn't want to listen to all that talk about how my inner child was wounded, and therapy type talk, but I later found that if I was going to get better... I better change my mind on that one. So once I reluctantly did... I have grown leaps and heaps and dug through piles and messes and found lots of MY needles and thorns. I discovered in the process that looking in someone else haystack was dirty work that wasn't necessary at all to my recovery. By being okay with that finally - I accepted that no one is perfect, and no one is any better or worse than anyone else. We are all on a journey - and we all deserve the love of a HP and to love ourselves. NO one asked to be an idiot or a drunk, or a control freak, or a shriveled up shell of what they once were. We all deserve to find a NEW happiness, and a NEW freedom from the bondage of SELF - and that can be done through working the 12 steps - no matter what label you give yourself. Alanon, AA, Coda, Adult child, Abuse survivor, over eater - whatever! Same concept - same 12 steps - same work on yourself must be done to find a HP and a spiritual awakening that you may allow yourself to give and take love, and love yourself.
To me these days - recovery has gotta just be recovery. Throw all the labels out the window and just work the program, live the principles, let the steps into your soul, give God a chance to love you - learn to say thank you and mean it. Pretty simple.
You are focusing on him focusing on you. It's a trap!!!! This would be a good habit to let go of. Fling the strings attached out into the wind and let them fly into the universe. Release the problems to a HP and let this be a day - just for today - of healing your heart for you. Maybe if you like it - you can do it again tomorrow.
It is good that you have another support family. I do understand your concern and would like to suggest that you kindly tell your hubby that his support in your program is not necessary. That in order for you two to have a healthy relationship,so as you can express your love for each other, you each must concentrate on your own issues and get support from individual programs. You love him and know he loves you. You are growing and changing and will be able to partner in a more healthy manner as long as you have your program and he has his
