Everything that is coming to a head at the moment and I've experienced some anxiety and loss of serenity for the most part I've been able to hang on to serenity part of the deal through the storm.  Mediation is today and my part is completely done.  I am really trying to let go of the outcome and it's not easy .. it is doable just uncomfortable.  Imagine me .. the person who trusts so little giving up and over to the will of something I can't see, touch, smell, or taste .. I can hear at times that little voice inside me stating that everything is going to be ok. 

I've been dealing with a work situation that I have run into before and OMGosh .. something must be sinking into my thick skull because I'm not doing the same thing .. go figure on that one.  I've applied the program and some other little tricks I've recently learned that have stuck which are program .. I just needed to hear them in a different way .. LOL.  It's not 100% smooth .. it's also not 100% unlivable either although there are some behaviors I absolutely am choosing not to tolerate .. my boundaries aren't being screamed from the rooftops .. I'm more able to look and deal with the situations in a proactive way.  It's absolutely challenging from time to time. 

The other thing I've been trying to do is listen better and talk less.  It does make a difference however it's not always easy to listen without having an answer already on the tip of my tongue.  It takes effort.  I can tell the kids are responding differently to this new approach and I am grateful.  God love them they have been having a rough go of things especially since our run in with their dad.  Both of the kids are trying exceptionally well to do the best they can .. I know how hard and difficult that it has been for me growing up basically fatherless at least mine was overseas .. that was a little easier to swallow .. well hind sight is 20/20.  I still have moments of anger that good grief why can't he just man up and do the right thing and of course that is me trying to rationalize with someone and something that is not of a rational mind. 

Today is the day though and this is pretty much down to the wire .. we'll just wait and see what happens next.  This could mean court .. this could mean just nothing .. I really don't want to quibble over unnecessary things such as vacation time and so on because he hasn't done anything at this point and the reality is he probably will never take the kids and by the time he wants to it won't matter because they aren't going to want to go with him.  I just feel sorry for the kids and I'm trying to help them through this because it is really hard not to take what he's doing personally and as a straight up rejection from him .. they are seeing things in an interesting way at this point.  Thank you for therapy .. that's all I can say. 

Anyway, excited about my appointment today .. something new and different.

Hugs P :)