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I have to smile. What you are describing to me is a teen. He's probably drinking milk straight from the container, too. If he's not your teen, I'd have a talk with his Dad about my concerns and see what we can work out as a family at a family meeting Dad calls.
My daughter called me recently. She had been telling my grandson, age 14, that he couldn't take food and drink to his room because they could get mice or bugs. Of course, like most teens who feel safe do - he nodded as if he totally understood and totally agreed. She was sure that was the end of that. Fast forward to a bedroom clean up they did together. Guess what was on the floor in the back of his closet? Guess who was upset? Guess who grinned when she heard the story? Same Mom and Grandmom who said the same thing to her kids and heard the same things from her Mom.
Fortunately, most teens grow out of the sloppy, all lights on stage. Usually when they've become parents themselves and have to start paying the bills. Grin.
Best of luck to you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 17th of September 2013 01:56:11 PM
Thank you all for the Esh and sharing :) That's why I love Alanon so much....is it makes me smile, laugh and feel better :) I absolutely loved all the shares...especially the one about the ants/ rat..I so wish I could do what your parent/ stepparent did. Who knows maybe I will build up the courage? Alanon always gives me hope knowing others have been through the same stuff as me...If anyone else has any more esh to share, please do :) Very Grateful to you all
-- Edited by karma13 on Tuesday 17th of September 2013 02:46:01 PM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Time for all of you to sit down and write up some rules and boundaries. Feelings need to be heard on both sides and hashed out between you all. To keep quite and not express feelings about living arrangements and not agree to changes nothing will change.
Can start small and work your way up. If they don't like it or won't abide by the boundaries consequences will be felt.
You all live under one roof......time to respect each others space.....
PS: the rules and boundaries for all can be posted on the frig for everyone to see. Keep it simple.
-- Edited by Cathyinaz on Tuesday 17th of September 2013 04:20:13 PM
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Greetings I'm going to cross post this in the other forum I'm on so if you see this twice, ignore. Ok I was reading a article about parental enabling..and wondering if those with children, teens or stepchildren might give me some esh? I'm realizing I may be enabling this boy with a few of his behaviors. I am the home owner, the 16 year old boy and his father live with me. The boy takes food to his room, and leaves food trash/ drink trash all over the room. He also leaves on the lights, fan, computer and tv. I have been picking up the room and shutting things off, I'm thinking of myself here being the homeowner, I don't want vermin or high power bills...the alternative is telling his father hey we have vermin/ the power bills outrageous. I need you to get a exterminator/ pay the difference on this power bill. I'm working hard to detach from this young mans behaviors..I don't wake him up for school..hence he misses school a lot... I meditate in the morning, so I take care of me. He basically has to get himself off to school if he's going. I basically started taking care of me, but I'm still doing these few things since they would directly involve me, my home and my wallet. Your esh?
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
I am far from a teen now lol but not so many years ago my mum and stepdad used to get very upset about my absolutely slovenly behaviour as a teenager for the same reasons- they didn't want vermin, they didn't want mould growing in my room etc. I was an absolute pig.
Well, they gave up and one time I went away for a week and when I came back, there was a heap of powder sprinkled on the floor outside my door and when I opened it- there was a sheet of ants (I can't describe it any other way), about a foot wide marching across my bed to raid my left-over pizza box and carry it back to their nest. It was so gross and when I screamed and carried on, my mum just said "well it's your bed, you have to lie in it". (She's always been great at the well timed, amusing comments). It was early in the am when I arrived home so I wasn't allowed to make noise and had to sleep on the floor as the ants marched across my bed. In the morning I cleaned and vacuumed and found a dead rat under my bed. When I screamed and performed a song and dance about that too- tough luck. I had to remove the nasty dead critter myself and clean up after. Wow did that teach me something, I still get shivers thinking about how nasty it was and I'm 37 years old now.
They just contained the "vermin" within my room and made me deal with it. Of course once I had cleaned they bug-bombed and exterminated to make sure nothing was hiding but they made sure I saw the full force of what my disgusting habits had caused. I don't know if you could stomach doing that but wow, it had an impact on me and I've been a clean freak ever since.
Of course it isn't your job to teach him that lesson and it's your home. I just know it worked on me.
Ah fond memories. i too had to smile. Is there anything more frustrating and annoying than these slob behaviors of teens? well yes there are but as someone wise told me "you have to pick your battles." this was very hard for me. eventually i realized that i could just keep his door shut then once a saturday every so often, he and i would shovel it out. when he realized no one was going to do this stuff for him, he would modify his filth somewhat. he also knew mom would confiscate objects he valued should a problem arise that impacted the rest of the house.
Oddly, the vermin I feared never came with my once a month solution. Also my Nate would do this because it avoided the nagging. he also found he didnt care for the mess when it got really bad either. i also discovered the fuse box solution had wonderful impact and that way i didnt have to have an argument. if he ran up a huge bill...i would start confiscating his electronic toys. which after all were privileges not rights. there is nothing in the bill of rights that says you're entitled to a TV or stereo i used to tell him. And the best consequence of all---when he had to use 'his' computer in the family room. This stuff aint easy but when they are grown they'll be glad you taught them the concepts of 'logical consequences." cuz after all, the utility companies shut off the toys when you cant pay the bills! someone told me once that teen lessons are so they can learn how to live while the consequences are not so harsh and unforgiving. good luck!
I'm laughing also because that is so much male teen behavior. For the most part, they are slobs. And they cannot see why we get so upset. It's their room, they like it that way so we should butt out! As for the power usage waste, most of the younger members in my family live in apartments and the electricity/water usage is part of the rent. It is nothing for them to come to my house and walk out leaving most of the lights on. They have thirty minute showers and leave their computers and tvs on throughout the house. Until they have to pay the bills out of their own pockets, then forget about them getting the lesson. A friend of mine tied her children's allowances to the power bill. If it went down ,they got more, if it went up, the allowance went down. It was really funny to see those three kids watch the electricity usage like hawks even to the point of telling her that she should use a toaster oven instead of her stove one because it used so much less.
I agree that this is normal teenage behavior. However, the way I see it, it's not like alcoholism or addiction where setting guidelines and standards might be "enabling." You have a right to a say in how your home is kept. It's important not to be unrealistic, though, and think that getting up on time or keeping his room clean is going to come naturally or that he will be cheery about cooperating. It's like getting a toddler to brush her teeth. She doesn't want to, and you can't make her want to, and you can't require her to want to. So it would be unrealistic to expect it to happen overnight without any oversight. I would look at some parenting books and talk it out with the boy's dad (your partner?) and arrive at an approach. Maybe you need the room cleaned out every Saturday (and if not, there will be no [whatever -- internet might be an effective one! just unplug it]). But since it's predictable that the teen won't see the need, there's no need to be angry or even frustrated about it. It just has to calmly get done.
I don't think I ever knew a teenager to get up on time off their own bat. As a whole, you're helping get a system going and helping the teen develop executive function. But surely the dad should take the lead here -- you shouldn't be having to run things all on your own. But I think saying "sink or swim" and letting the teen "sink" -- well, most teens would sink, and I definitely would have, and so I'm glad my parents had the determination to keep me on the path toward responsibility.
Just my 2 cents -- take what you like and leave the rest.
Karma, what would YOU like to see happen, what BOUNDARIES would YOU like to set, what can YOU live with? Take time to think about it. It is a gift that he has his OWN room a bed and food to eat. He has to work for neither. What I would do is talk to him first, and make sure he understands that he is fortunate and not to take anything for granted. If he continues his behavior I would first remove his door, then his bed, etc, etc. I think you might get his attention this way. One of your missions is to create peace and harmony around you...., its not easy and takes work, a worthy endeavor....the hard part is getting your partner to agree with what you are trying to do. Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but don't say it mean. Its good to hear that you are letting him get off to school by himself, he's 16 and should be. Take what you like and leave the rest....good luck to you K. What does it say in Alanon literature about enabling? Please refer to that.....In support OG
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Don't Worry About Growing Old, It Is A Privilege For Some Of Us.....
My Mom used to dump my drawers on my bed and throw everything out of my closet onto the bed, too. When I got home from high school, there was usually a mess waiting for me. She'd warned me. She'd asked me. Yes, yes, I said. Tried to get to it in my own time which would have been NEVER. Mom helped me remember to clean my room when she said to clean my room.
My kids tried me on it. I didn't dump all their stuff out. Too much energy for me to use. They just didn't get their allowance until their rooms were clean. I also didn't allow them to take food out of the kitchen or refrigerator to their rooms. My son moved in with his Dad who was a clean freak when he was 14. I didn't have to deal with that with him in high school. But, when my daughter got a job in high school and no longer needed an allowance, if she got mad at me because I had told her she couldn't do something she wanted to do, she'd "punish" me by stomping up the stairs to her room and shut the door. Within 10 or 15 minutes, I'd hear her furniture being moved around in her room. Cleaning and re-arranging was her revenge. I liked that type of revenge. She always came down smiling. She wore out her negative energy cleaning and re-arranging. Always wanted me to see the end result. Seemed to forget she'd been mad at me. College days weren't much better when it came to keeping her room clean. She could buy her own food and drag it into her room. She also got to clean the bugs that did gather in her room mostly under her bed, in her clothes, and in her closet. That's why I had to smile when she was upset with my grandson's choices. I got my revenge. Smile.
I love the ant and rat story! what great parenting.
I never had any step kids, and luckily my kids were clean...just hard to wake up for school....they would go to bed really late....I told them that I would drag their butts out of bed OR let them stay and miss (both had good grades so they wanted school and not having to catch up b/c they were absent) so in my house there was options......u do the act?? U reap the karma....I never hit them......on school days if I didn't feel like dragging them out of bed, I just left them in the bed....actually I was pretty lucky in that they were clean......but oh yea, leaving lights on.....one time I flipped the main switch in the circuit box and everything went out.....they didn't know what to do,....I told them that when lights were left on and they were not using them (out of their room, etc) that the electricity would go off......and it wold come back on when I felt the extra they spent was made up for....
I pretty much had "regular" stuff , like being on the phone w/boys too long......I just set boundaries on how long on phone and if that got violated, I would take the phones and put them in my truck till lessons learned....
other than that, I can't think of any bad stuff...just teenager crap....boys, phones, staying up late.....I guess I should say "thank u , Higher Power" they didn't drink....drug...sleep around....I didn't have that.....
what would I do if I were you???? being its his kid and he has to be "impaired" with the kind of behaviour dad shows, its gonna be difficult, but nevertheless if your name is on the home, and U R responsible for the bills, its all in your name, then they need to abide by your boundaries.....I shut off lights and took phones to "get my point across" whatever you say you will do, I wouldn't not say it unless I meant it and would stand up to it.....this is YOUR house....YOUR domicile.....they need to respect your boundaries......I am sorry they are not respecting the house......Dad should have noted this b4 you had to post and dad should have addressed this w/his son..........
JUST saying, please use what u can and leave the rest
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
LOL G2B, my daughter "cleans her room with the door slammed shut" and loud music on too- as revenge. I love this kid, she's so much easier to raise than I was
I should have also put on my post......IF he is paying for his and son's expenses, like sharing in equal parts, the expenses, then yea, I would recommend a sit down talk , all 3 of you and discuss rules, boundaries, what is acceptable, what is not, all 3 of you give your take, uninterrupted and work out a compromise...
IF he is NOT paying or contributing a fair share, well that is up to you to decide "ok, enough is enoughyou will know when its bad enough and what to do.......I hope u can work things out BEFORE it gets real bad
I never take "roomies" w/out BEFORE move in, the boundaries are discussed and agreed upon......I don't care who it is.....I havn't "house shared" in a long time b/c I like my privacy.....I would love to find a seniour like me to share with, but these days people are so crazy, I would be afraid.........they wold have to pass a criminal background check and credit check b4 I even THOUGHT of it AND either I would have to know them or someone I trust very much
my next door "adopted brothr" whom I love, who is an A, trying to clean up his life, takes in renters and yea, he gets the $$$ and sometimes he does not.....its a lottery, the way he does it....no pre-move in discussion, he just rents out rooms and I always hope for the best for him, LOL
I don't have his courage.....It would have to be family or close friend or someone very very proven safe, and even so..........pre-move in talk.....get it set on a written agreement, who does what....who pays what.......what is allowed, not allowed...........I for one, would never allow substance abuse of any kind or illegal drugs of any kind in my home.....I mean stuff has to be discussed.....compromised on..........and followed
b/c I don't kow the situation, I can't really esh for ya b/c I dont' know what if anything he is sharing re: the expenses, a lot of stuff comes into play, here.....
I am not prying into your business, so I am just throwing out stuff for you to think about
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you all for your esh again :) I do want to add my guy pays 65 percent of our expenses...lol..if he was paying no expenses he would not be here. So this is what I decided to do...I have tried talking to them both to know avail in the past many times....and setting a list on the fridge. They ignore that. So here is the plan..When I came home my partner said the school had called , he told them the boy was truant. I told my partner, I can no longer pick up after the boy every day or turn off his lights, etc. So if the power bills spikes you are going to be responsible for the money and if we get bugs you will be responsible for the money ( I used Melly's experience). I'm no longer reminding you, he is your son your responsiblity. Also I told him that if he forgets to have his son do the dishes and they sit, I will not be doing them, I will leave them and add more dishes to them. I'm not doing this out of cruelty, I'm doing this to take care of me. I need to take care of myself and work on my recovery. I did not have any children, and the young man is old enough at this point to do everything for himself. In other words if my partner wants to enable him go ahead. I had told him two days ago, that if the young man drops out of school that he needs to go live with his sister or mom for the remainder of the year/ next summer. He can come back in the fall and try again, but I'm not having anyone sleeping and laying around all day while I'm working. My partner did say if he misses anymore school, he is taking his computer monitor for a month. He even got up in the middle of the night to check to make sure he was sleeping. So maybe he is finally realizing things are getting out of control with the boy. Thank you all for your replies....and your esh :) I'm grateful. If you have any esh to add, I'd love to hear :)
-- Edited by karma13 on Wednesday 18th of September 2013 06:43:49 AM
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Karma: Although I respect your position here, I also see a teenager who is not ready to do everything for himself - especially if he can still be marked truant. Teens are busy trying to figure out who they are and what they want for their lives. He's a teen who is grappling with that, trying to be with his Dad, living in his Dad's gf's house and separated from his Mom, too. None of this is his choice. That's an awful lot for a kid to deal with at any age. He has his own grief issues to work through, too. I get the dirty dishes, bug fear, missing school issues, dirty room issues. I just find myself wondering if maybe things feel out of control to the boy, too? I guess if I formulated the plan you described above, I'd sit on it for awhile before I acted on it.
My kids loved their Dad's second wife who hadn't had any kids either. At first they hated her because both my x and his gf at the time tried to make them behave in ways they didn't want to behave - with her being pretty much the heavy. She called me upset because the kids wouldn't listen to her. One of the things that both she and my x were insistent my kids did was to call her "Mom," too. They wouldn't do it - just like they wouldn't do other things she wanted them to do when they visited their Dad at her house where he lived before they married. I suggested she stop expecting the to behave the way she thought they should, stop demanding they call her Mom because they already had a Mom, and treat them like she would a niece or a nephew when they were at her home. She and my kids formed a tight bond and they came to love her without calling her Mom. In fact, as their father's disease progressed, she was there for them in ways I couldn't be while I was there for them in ways she couldn't be. They did things together - the gf/second wife and my kids - that she arranged that were fun for all of them. Even after my x walked out on her carrying their baby at 8 months pregnant, my kids still loved her and stayed connected to her. I doubt if that would have happened if she continued to be pretty heavy-handed with them.
I too respect your position. This is your home and you are entitled to keep house as you wish. nevertheless when we invite someone to move in it means we give up a certain amount of the privileges of living alone. in a live-in boyfriend or girfriend situation it seems to me the actual parent is the one who makes the parenting decisions. Even teenagers are not competent to act as an adult. When a child has to cope with losing a parent and a home they cant handle it well and laying down rules with a teen who is already emotionally compromised, particularly over housekeeping, can be fraught with landmines. if not handled well, its like kryptonite for a teen. An actual step-parent relationship is more successful with a niece/nephew dynamic rather than parent. Yes, your friend is responsible for his teenager. its not enabling to permit him to make parenting decisions alone. Rather he parents the child after discussing with you how to handle it.
My 2nd husband treated my son in ways i perceived as punitive, harsh and in his hands abusive. you dont punish for breaking a household rule if the boundary and consequences of crossing the boundary have not even been discussed with the child. my AH thought he had the 'right' to discipline my 15yo son in harsh and passive aggressive ways and wouldnt even tell my son the rule beforehand. it ultimately culminated in my leaving him. living with me did not automaticaly entitle him to makes decisions without consulting me. A step father without experience or knowledge in parenting who only lived with my son after he was already a teenager should not be 'laying down the law.' just because he married me didnt mean he was competent to parent my son. And i tried to make my husband understand he did not know my son and he certainly didnt care to understand my parenting techniques. our house belonged to me but that did not give me the right to ignore A's problems with my son's behavior Discipline of a child is not the same as boundary enforcement. First, its a Child and thus incapable of taking proper care of himself. And its not an alcoholic/addict situation. The goal is not to make him "pay" for his behavior but to teach, set limits and non-punitive consequences. otherwise you not only lose the relationship, you can also lose the child. ultimately, the situation with #2 got so bad, we left the house after he "shoved' my son. Teenagers are tough for anybody but impossible i found when the step parent is a dictator who decides these things on his own. Very tricky. i also agree that allowing the natural consequences from a teens behavior to occur is the healthiest way to parent..Discussions on issues that inevitably occur in any household i think is best left between your BF and you and consequences agreed upon first before his parent is on board with a mutual decision how to handle it.
-- Edited by cwya on Wednesday 18th of September 2013 11:40:47 AM
well I guess I'm not understanding this then? I am not parenting this child at all. I'm not telling this child what to do that's up to his father, I'm simply stating to his father that I need to take care of me and I no longer want to pick up after the boy. Are you then saying that since this young man had such a hard life, I should continue picking up after him and turning off his electronics? I had a bad life too, I'm a aca myself, but that doesn't give me the right to go around treating other people with disrespect. I do have compassion for him, and please understand this is all typed out, so if I seem unappreciative, I am not. To me it just seems as if I'm detaching with love, if you want to leave the lights on and trash around, then your father is going to have foot the bill. If you believe this to be wrong, and think I should be picking up after someone that is 16 and able to do it for themselves, please tell me why?
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Love those kids who clean to get even with us. I don't get it, but I like it.