Have finally hit bottom/desperate for thoughts - Al-Anon Family Group

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Have finally hit bottom/desperate for thoughts

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I have observed from being on this planet for 67 years.....

If a person betrays you once, they will do it again.

-- Edited by Bettina on Tuesday 17th of September 2013 04:04:39 PM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Have not been able to stop him from being in my head/heart. Sorta in a weird stale nothingness. It was strange as I could not really not ask HP to please help me. I asked if it was his will to help me feel better. I was afraid of what/how his help would be.

Be careful what you ask for. I prayed day before yesterday to please help me let go of him.

For almost a year S has been telling me he wanted to send me something that represented our friendship.
A ring. He said he was looking, to find the right one. I like having jewelry that means something. My daughter has made me some neat things, She is very much an artist. She gives from her heart.

I only wear things that mean something. Prefering natural, alternative things to jewelry store things that supposedly have value cuz someone said they do.

My son always gave me rocks and big pieces of neat downed wood I have moved where ever I go. I love it, he packed this huge one out for me I love.

I looked fw to this first and last gift. to me it would say, I really did want you, but for now maybe forever the situation changed.

A couple days ago he sent this text.

telling me he was sending all my pictures I sent for him to see. and he was sending me a ring and a necklace to match. huh?

ok I got visions of the cheap kid jewelry my grampa and grama sent me as a little girl. It was great at the time.

So I lost any wondering what he picked just for me.

I get the pictures, NO word from him. Nothing. In an envelope is this ring and necklace. My first thought was how many quarters did it take to get this? I am NOT Kidding. There was NO heart, NO nothing to it. the top of it is even broken. LIke a bad mold job.It is from a dimestore, not even walmart, worse. It has nothing to do with money. He has money. He knows I like natural real stuff, alternative stuff. Nothing expensive but "real."something he saw and knew i would like. this was NOT it. This was get it over with, go get gas and saw it in the little store where they sell the face stinky roses.

To say I feel bad is not enough. This is pure all and out bottom. It is I NEVER ever want to love a man again, never. I cannot trust myself to know the truth. I saw NO red flags all these years. I had all the evidence he was real. Now my head is going back questioning everything. I was too intimate with him, I let myself spill it all. For once I held nothing back. I am so embarrassed, so so ashamed of myself for how I gave of myself. MY heart. It was all pure spirit, me. YOu know how we love with our inside, I shared that.

This is bottom becuz I know for sure there is no way but up. I feel the death. I know what that is.

So here is how I feel. I want so much to call him and vent it all out. Let it all go and cleanse myself, give all the crap to him where it belongs and be over with it. I put this on fb too but not quite the same as here and I feel safer here.

I feel we need to let it out for US not them. He is not an A he is the codependant sick sick sick person. he knows what he did. He knows I know things that could bring him down. I would never do that. But as nice as I am, my thoughts are not being nice. I keep praying for forgiveness.

I mean was it a lie that his attorney said it would be best to stop the divorce so he could get the grandkids?

i want to give all this crap inside me to him. No I do not want to pretend he is in a chair across from me. I have only communicated with him thru my soul. my heart/head.

Have to take a day at a time, as if i think what now? all I see is blank. blank really. I was so vulinerable, wanted so badly to e believe i was loved and would have a mate> i did believe it. I did trust. I did depend. All the things he worked on me, helped me to do. I stepped out of being 100% independant. How did that feel? How is that working for you?

Have i lost my mind? I cannot afford counseling, I cannot go to pastorial. I have one friend who felt uneasy from the start. But she always does when it comes to men. She has been married for 40 years or so to a neat guy. All my friends have and are.

How could I ever believe someone would love me for real. How many men have to go away in my life for me to get it.

Do I let him have it or let it rot inside me. Please forgive me. Its hard to say I am at bottom. I am no fun anymore, I cannot share things that are funny on fb anymore. barely can do my dishes.

Its like i want to go somewhere alone and rest, heal, breath, eat, sleep.if I had someone to stay at my house i would. i mean to care for my animal family.

hope I do hear thoughts you all. no matter what they are, I will appreciate them as always. deb

Mari1978 · Senior Member

Sometimes we may not get what we want but we get what we need.
My AH cheated on me recently. I sent him a text one day stating that although I love gerbera daisies my favourite flower by far was and always has been tulips. It was a random thought when I was sorting out everything he had told me about his affair and the things he knew about her. Warped and twisted that was the thought that sat in my brain. The next day after I sent the text he wanted to know who the text was really intended for, cause he believed it wasn't meant for him. So I explained to him that I knew so much about her but he didn't even know what my favourite flower was. He bragged to a friend one day when they came over and saw the flowers he brought home. He said he knew they were my favourite. I never corrected him and I just let it go because I didn't think it was a big deal. It is a big deal because it hurts now that I know what I know. How much we let it hurt is up to us. I am learning that we really need to heal within and love ourselves. Nothing someone gives us should mean more to us then our own love. Cry and stomp on the necklace and ring until you realize that they are simple things that have no meaning to you. Take all the good memories you have and leave the rest behind.
Stumble, fumble we may but move forward we must.

With love and support
M

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Deb

I am so sorry that you are in this pain. Rest, sleep, take care of yourself and remember HP has you in the palm of His hand.

Vent here as much as possible. It helps. Then when you have released the anger,sadness, disappointment and heart break on the Board look within and know the truth of what you want to say to him . Say it in writing or on the telephone. Keep your dignity and self respect and say what you mean , mean what you say but do not say it mean

It is a process and you have begun it. There is a light on the other side of this darkness.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 18th of September 2013 06:40:35 AM

Melly1248 · ~*Service Worker*~

In 7 years my A has never given me a gift, and I have given him an extravagant gift for every birthday, Christmas, Valentines day, Anniversary...once I bought him a whole computer.
Well there was one time. I bought him a book voucher for an esoteric bookshop for his birthday (which is the same date as mine) and a year later when the voucher was about to expire, he went and bought a book and spent the "change" on a book for me. Thanks. For letting me buy myself a book. He was so proud of it too. Like it was the greatest gift ever given.
Last year, we started recieving messages from his ex-girlfriend and she mentioned that she still wore a jade bracelet he gave her. So I said something about the fact that he's never given me anything. Later that day we were in the post office and my daughter and I were looking at some cheap trinkets on the counter and I picked up an owl-shaped key-ring and said "how cute". So he borrowed some money from me and a few minutes later presented me with the key-ring. (It cost $12). To this day he still asks me "do you still have your owl?" as if it is some precious momento and a symbol of his love and devotion. Actually no, I have no idea where it is and it's just a reminder of yet another $20 he "borrowed" from me and never paid back.
pfft.

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb,

Just another manipulation and lie from an Alcoholic, even if he was a recovering one. You never know what he is caught up in.

He may have left because he started drinking again. You never know with them.

Sorry you lost your heart to this one.

Deb, do what you feel like doing, if you want to send it back with a letter. I say write the letter from your heart and say what you want to say, then decide if you want to send it. You don't need to hear from this one anymore, he interfered with your healing.

Part of a relationship is trust, do you trust this person? You said you were 100% independent and threw yourself into the relationship, you know as a woman we have to keep 100% of ourself , even if we are in a relationship.

I feel you were knocked off balance by this man, for awhile. HP may be telling you , Deb, still be true to yourself.

Deb are you saying your not worth loving? That you have nothing to offer to another person? Dig down deep and think about all the great things you are and have to offer another person.

Did you ever think you dodged a bullet? Sometimes our HP has to say NO, I say you were protected.

Deb you are a unique person, there is only one of you. You are loved.

This will pass.....You know our happiness doesnt depend on another person.

Get it for yourself first.

Hugs and more hugs.
Bettina

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry this is hurting so much.

I wonder if your situation is the same as my usual situation. My usual situation is seeing what I want rather than what the person is.

Usually the men I get hung up on have wonderful things about them. Typically they have one thing, or two things, that is truly wonderful and rare and just the kind of thing that I never thought I'd find. Because of that, I disregard a continent full of red flags.

But I don't think this means that there are no good men out there. And we have to not let ourselves fall prey to our internal drama -- "there's no one, I will never find anyone, it can never be right" -- all the nevers that get us into that place of intensity and misery that feels so familiar.

I am going to speak forthrightly because I know I want someone to speak that way when I'm in this situation (which has happened all too often). But if it is upsetting or not right, then disregard.

I think the red flags in your situation may have been evident from the beginning. Your guy was entangled with someone else and even if there were "good" reasons for him to stay entangled, it can never develop as a normal getting-to-know-you-and-your-flaws relationship like that. They are not fully available. And the unavailability makes for that kind of intense situation that hits me like heroin hits drug addicts.

But when they're unavailable-but-kinda-available, we can invest a ton of emotion in the situation before we really know what they're like on a boring day-to-day basis. Like if they get it about what presents or rings mean to us. Or if they're really as emotionally available as they say. Or a million other things.

I have a friend who says that every man has to be three things before she'll consider him any further: "Single, available, and ready." If I had taken those to heart, I would have saved myself so much grief.

I remember and laugh about jerry's comment, when I think about some of my relationships: "The destination was clearly printed on the ticket." The destination is clearly printed on the ticket when we let ourselves get entangled with people who are otherwise entangled. We get in too deep before we know enough about them.

When we know this, we can make sure it doesn't happen again. Take good care of yourself. {{{Hugs.}}}

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb, I am sorry you are hurting. Betrayals are so hard, yet, I believe they are necessary to break us out of relationships that are not good for us. When I feel betrayed by friends, it does help me to remember that my HP has a higher purpose for me and my life; ending relationships for us is part of the plan. This guy is playing his part in the play called "Your Life". Pour it out to us! (((hugs)))

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I live with my SO and it hurts a lot that he doesn't care if I'm sick, hurt or depressed. It's a GET OVER IT. No thought no nothing.

When someone decides it's over in their mind they don't think about what happens to the other person. Even after years and years of love, understanding and closeness some people just walk away and think all will be OK. They can stop loving because there is something else that is better or they can't handle and breakup. They can't face it or don't care.

To be honest, all these years you were his support only for his problems in his mind. You were his support when he was lonely. You were there when he needed somebody.....you were there. Now that it was getting to close he had to end it. He couldn't or wouldn't end the marriage. He is also to scared to be honest with you is my thinking.....he didn't man up. He destroyed your heart without a care.......grrrrr.

I really can't know and will never in a million years what really went on with you two.....I can only tell you I'm so so sorry and I pray someday you can be happy again and move on and form a new relationship or friendship that will give you what you need.

I pray you find peace my friend......

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Debi)))

I'm sorry that you're hurting. The last thing any one needs is another hurt or betrayal.

A few things:
- Honor that you've been true to yourself and are able to open your heart to another. You know you are ready to be giving in a relationship and love. It can happen again and with someone who is able to love and cherish you.
- His inconsistencies create a dishonesty that is painful. His ability to love you as you deserve seems extremely limited. For whatever reason, he certainly didn't handle this well. As painful as this is, it is better to know this sooner than later.
- The "whys" aren't so important but can keep engaging in re-review of the hurt. When a relationship ends, I ask myself what I learned, what did this person bring to my life? What is it that I can take with me? What is it that I want in my life?
- What I've found to be comfortable boundaries for me: I do not become involved with anyone who is in a relationship (includes separated) or anyone who has recently exited from one. This eliminates a lot of men, but I'm also hoping to eliminate a lot of unnecessary confusion. My thought is that this gives the relationship a more solid ground to build a foundation.

Maybe write your thoughts, but don't send... just sit on it for a while and see how you feel in a few days or in a few weeks. Check for consistency in your motives and expectations and reevaluate.

Be gentle with you.

yanksfan51 · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb:

This may not help much, but in a strange way has sometimes helped me--sometimes our hearts hurt, I mean to say sometimes our hearts HURT. There's a way to work through the sadness and you are doing that everytime you come here, as I and many others have done that by coming here and getting support. There's a way to work through the sadness by prayers to your HP, as you are doing, and as we all do. There's a way to work through the sadness and that is being open to all the goodness around you, as you are and as you have shared with us.

For me the panicky feeling comes when we don't understand fully, and sometimes we are just not meant to. I hope Deb--you feel the support from all of us here.

You are not alone.

(((((((((Debilyn))))))))

YF

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

I truly have no intention of saying something to hurt you .. this one might sting a bit and I mean it from a place of wanting something better for you. He was never yours to begin with .. he was already married and committed to someone else and very sick in that relationship. He was lying to his wife why wouldn't he lie to you too?? That is and was the red flag .. it is and was the size of bed spread. I'm truly sooo very sorry for the pain you are in .. I really believe a Bahia saying .. you can't build your happiness on someone else's unhappiness. He is a user no different than the A he just uses people. Hugs, love and support always p :) PS - You have sooo much more to give and receive than to and from someone who doesn't deserve you.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Deb,
Sending warm (((((hugs))))).
I know what you mean when you say that you don't like the thoughts in your head - I've done that a-plenty as well. But we make our own choices and thoughts are just thoughts, we don't have to judge ourselves for them.
When I was reading about your love of natural meaningful jewellery I was struck by the idea of how lovely it will be when you can share that creativity and love of small meanings. It sounds as though the gift you've just received, and that is so frustrating for you, has come from someone who doesn't enjoy those little meaningful things. He has my sympathy!!

What a wonderful gift someone will receive when they discover and share your sensitivity.
I'm so sorry you are hurting and fully empathise with the feeling of wanting to punch someone's lights out! I hope you don't let that thought define you though - even this post, with all its frustrations, show what fantastic values you have. Rest, sleep, care for yourself, gift yourself a meaningful gift, whatever makes you feel good about who you are because you are so clearly worth it!

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Debilyn)))) I don't have anything to add except to say you just got some awesome ESH.... and remember... you are loved, you are valued, and you matter.

ilovedogs · ~*Service Worker*~

I think Pushka said it well and said it gently. Although, I know how hard it is to see these things especially when we are in love with someone and we want to believe the best. Sending you hugs and love, Deb. Praying for you to have peace and to remember that you are worth more than what you have been given by him.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

I love ya deb, but him being married and on the other side of the country would be huge red flags.

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