The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am really hurt & confused....I made my ex leave last year because of his drug problem. I was to the point of not knowing what to do anymore. I thought & prayed many nights about what I needed to do. So I finally decided that he should move out & maybe he would see just how serious I was. I had to show him "tuff love". I didn't answer his calls or anything. He finally got into rehab a few months later & not a day went by that I didn't think about him. I thought that maybe he would get the help he needed & come back to me as the man that I so knew he really was. But in the process of his rehab, he had met someone else. He has been out of rehab for only 3 months and moved in with her when he got out. She is also a recovering drug addict. Is it a good thing for recovering addicts to be together? & I still love him & I want him back.
Dear Troubled:
I am so truly sorry for you. What a tough situation that you are in and I myself have been driven by the fears of losing my addict for that same reason.
However, just recently through reaching out to other loved ones of the addicts, through Al Anon, and through reading as much literature as I can on the subject, the only thing that comes to mind is this, YOU are exactly where you need to be. Perhaps, you should take this time away from him to reflect upon yourself. I am sure this is not what you want to hear. But we cannot control the outcome of their needs and/or wants, only our own.
I hope that this helps, you are not alone.
And we never know what the outcome of tomorrow may bring.
We only have control over today.
Welcome to MIP! You're in the right place and not alone! Many of us have experienced something similar regarding A spouses and expectations not rolling out as hoped.
It's my understanding AA suggests that newly recovering addicts do not initiate relationships with others in the program. Toby Rice Drew has an informative book, "Getting them Sober", regarding expectations of early recovery.
The hurt, frustration, and confusion caused by a loved one with addiction is too much for most of us to handle alone- it is a cunning, baffling, and very powerful disease. Ultimatums rarely work. We didn't cause their problem, can't control it, and can't cure it. Addiction affects every one it touches; living with an addict distorts our thinking. This is a good time to do something for yourself, start a program of the 12 steps and principles of Alanon, attending face to face meetings, reading and learning all you can about addiction, going through MIP's message boards (search function for various topics), and having a sponsor to work with brings positive changes.
Hi Troubled
I have watched my ex A for the last 6 years, clean up and hit rock bottom like a ping pong. He has been in and out of so many relationships I have lost tracked. He has lived with so many I can not name them all. Most of them were recovering or still abusing some sort of substance. They never worked out. I have remained "friends" because we have 2 kids together. It is painful to watch him in his turmoil. I thought we were soul mates. I chose the path of friends so I could distance myself from falling into the anguish. It takes years for some to recover and there is always the chance they will use again. I saw the repeated behaviour and chose to save myself and my kids. I love him from a distance and constantly pray for him to find his way in recovery. I also know I need to work on my recovery. I need to heal and feel whole and love myself. Love yourself enough to know if its meant to be it will be. It takes time, and in the meantime find your happiness within. You are more than enough deserving of a healthy relationship. As I type that I am reminding myself at the same time.
Much love and support,
M
thank all of you so much for your replies. & mari1978, I have a child also. I have to see him throughout the week so he can visit with our son. It is so hard on me because I see him leave to go home to her. I feel like I went through so much with him & his addiction but she is somehow reeking the benefits of the person I so desperately prayed for. I know it sounds a little selfish, but I love him, & yes, I need to work on my own recovery. His addiction has damaged me as a person. I need to feel whole again & love myself. I just pray that he stays in recovery & continues to be a great person & somehow finds his way back to me...
My own experience in a situation like this is that when two people - newly recovering - get involved on a gf/bf level, the relationship can turn into a nightmare experience for each of them. It is recommended that people with less than a year living sober choose not to get into a new romantic relationship in our area. The ones that do seem to split early on and go right back to using - or end up in yet another divorce a few years down the road if they get re-married, too. Continuing to work your program for you will make all the difference in the world to you if you keep coming back, attend meetings, get a sponsor, work the steps and focus on you and what you really want for your life - with or without him.
