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I DID NOT SEND THIS>.....IT IS ON HOLD..>>>THINKING OF SENDING BUT HAVE NOT YET DONE SO>>>>>>>>>>NEED ESH PLEASE
I will not reply back....
This is just some decisions for me and it matters not how you take it.......So if you write back, I won't reply
You have texted me, emailed me on several occasion and I have ignored you
I do NOT do that out of punishemnt
I do NOT do that out of hate
I do NOT do that out of revenge..
I DO do that out of taking care of me.....
I just understand and accept that you will NEVER forgive me for coming forward about the abuse and for changing my name so I don't have to write my rapist's name on any documents...
.I also understand that you have to blame me for his evil to protect him and to not have to accept that he was truly an emissary of satan.....Easier to attack and blame the helpless child then to accept that your father was the devil....I understand that, but I have dissociated from any supporters of him....
I am the one who does the good...the Christ like love, so therefore by default, I am the one with the rights....Not one who has been condemned because he did not feel sorrow over what he did to me nor did he confess or repent..........
I also understand your anger at me for claiming my rights to my inheritance...Had there been any justice, I should have received it all to pay for my therapy and my medications and my lost opportunities due to my horrendous mental illness....I claimed my rights...That is all......
I had to pray a lot to let go the anger over that....I will never 100% recover and I will never get back all those lost years and opportunities , but whats left of my life, I want peace and good treatment....so I eliminated those people who do not treat me as the blessing that I really am.....
I made this decision for ONE purpose and ONE purpose only.....
To take care of me....To protect me....To keep me safe from further abuse.....To cleanse me of any "hate" energy that comes around me
I long ago gave you over to your God......I even have prayed to the point where I can wish you well as you walk your separate path
I totally forgive you
but forgiveness only takes action of ONE person.....Me
I forgave you to release me of any negative feelings I used to have towards you
Forgiveness does not mean what you treated me was "ok"
Forgiveness does not mean that you are ever ever welcome in my life again
Forgiveness only means that I released you from me, in peace, to your God to learn the lessons that he wants to teach you as we separate
I am more peaceful and doing "ok" ...Working my recovery and teaching/helping others....
I am writing this letter to you out of my good compassionate heart, in that I know you have cancer and I did not want you to think that I hated you or cursed you or had any bad feelings towards you...
I am writing this note to free ME....
I am writing this note to free YOU from me and any negative that USED to live between us
If you still harbor hate for me or resentment for me or you wish me bad, or whatever......I will pray for you....That is the only action I am required to do in regards to you.........I will pray for you
I wish you peace and goodwill......Just never around me....It has to be that way....Maybe for the first time in my life, I am learning how to love me and take care of me....This note reflects that.........I let you go in peace , to walk your separate path, in the hands of your maker.....
I think the biggest reason why I wrote this to you is to, yes, forgive and release you, but I never said "goodbye" to you........Now I can walk away, knowing that I did the right thing by both of us.....me, taking care of me, and letting you go with a peaceful goodbye and God bless....
************* I WILL NOT REPLY*************************.
-- " Never look down on someone unless your helping him up" -Jesse Jackson
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 16th of September 2013 12:15:22 PM
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
My ESH, and this one is WAY beyond myself and/or others on this board, as we are NOT therapists...
I can only relate, in terms of what this might do for you, and for you to check your motives... There is a ton of hurt in here, but perhaps the most therapeutic thing you could do is to write it out, and then put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean, or burn it in a ceremonial fire, or put it in your God-box. Sending it to your sister seems like it is an effort to control others, and bottom line is that you/we have no control over others.
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
If you motive for this letter is to work a 9TH Step on the relationship and to make amends, I believe that I would pray about it, review the content and try to rewrite, keeping the focus on myself and my actions.
I do agree with Tom we are not therapists. In my humble opinion this letter to your sister, who has cancer , seemed like a rehashing of all the pain and injury that you have endured, justification for your actions and then a gratuitous "forgiveness" of her for her actions.
My ESH, and this one is WAY beyond myself and/or others on this board, as we are NOT therapists...
I can only relate, in terms of what this might do for you, and for you to check your motives... There is a ton of hurt in here, but perhaps the most therapeutic thing you could do is to write it out, and then put it in a bottle and throw it in the ocean, or burn it in a ceremonial fire, or put it in your God-box. Sending it to your sister seems like it is an effort to control others, and bottom line is that you/we have no control over others.
Tom
I was doing that very same thinking.........WHAT are my motives??? why send it???? I was driving to and from the market and thought....Ya know??? just writing it made me feel good............maybe I'll just burn it and toss in the toilet.....flush it down.....
I think U hit on something, Tom..........Don't even know I got this "notion".....I am doing step 4,5,6,7,8 ,9 stuff........that is why it is in my DRAFTS.....not sent...........I was in doubt..........I think I was right to WAIT...........
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Well you laid it out....I would perhaps rest on it for a bit and see if it felt right in a few days to send it out. You will know!
((((Paula))))) I took a drive..........thought about it and I dont' like my motives that I think I did this....she continues to try to "get through to me" via text, email..and I think I was like "slapping her in the back of the head".........I am NOT sending it..........It felt GREAT just writing it......now I can print and flush down toilet or just hit delete in the drafts..........THANKS For your honesty........I think Tom pinned this one right........I was in doubt...I am sooo glad I did not send...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
It felt GREAT writing it and thats all I need......I also realize that...
WOOD does not respond to a "smack in the head" which is what I think my motive was for her continued attempts to contact me via texts (using others phones) and emails (getting on her daughter's account)
I just hit "delete" and move on.......
I am gonna "TOSS" this one that I showed you guys in the "Can" and flush it down
I feel better just to have journalled it
Thank you guys for your esh and helping me see what I was thinking about but needed a "nudge"
ALSO...this is proof that writing and NOT sending CAN feel good b/c I FEEL good.....I FEEL release.....Honest.....the writing and not sending does work....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
If you motive for this letter is to work a 9TH Step on the relationship and to make amends, I believe that I would pray about it, review the content and try to rewrite, keeping the focus on myself and my actions.
I do agree with Tom we are not therapists. In my humble opinion this letter to your sister, who has cancer , seemed like a rehashing of all the pain and injury that you have endured, justification for your actions and then a gratuitous "forgiveness" of her for her actions.
Take what you like and leave the rest..
Betty you guys are right.......my motives were NOT to make amends , my motives were to like say "BUG OFF..................." and a smack in the back of the head
My motives after really looking at them were NOT pure.......so......bottom line..........write but DONT send works.............I feel bettter............and another thing...."rehashing all the pain" isn't necessary anymore.....I thank you for your truth.........I am taking what U guys say and DUMPING this letter....UN-sent............the recovery me chooses to leave this alone.............
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
The sick, coda me wanted to send this out..... a "smack" in the head, thingy , and you all pegged it........
the RECOVERY me is not gonna send.....actually when I took a drive, pondering this, I didn't like my motives.....I did not like what I saw in myself re: my motives......the RECOVERY me is not gonna send......
I wiped it........didn't even bother to print.........I just WIPED it off my email............said a thank u to HP for good, honest ESH here and let it go.......
I will use my energy to work on me....to keep giving over the STILL illwill I feel towards these people and that is FACT
Thanks again for the honest esh here...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
