The material presented
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love these epiphanys .. after the fact .. but .. for what it's worth ..
I went to a meeting the other night and someone shared their A would look at them and say 'xxxx' liar .. It wasn't what she was saying but the look on her face that made her share a little on the lighter humorous side although there's nothing funny about verbal abuse. Again it wasn't what she said but how. When she said this it Hit me big time .. I shared and said, Wow, I have Never seen 'xxxx' liar as another person's character defect ! I have heard several years, defects are only used until the no longer work. I couldn't believe when I started seeing this scenario:
The a would come up to me and I would have something I would want/need to share. It was usually of a serious nature and usually something in his behavior that was seriously affecting our family, etc.. or me personally. All he needed to do was look at me in the heat of the conversation and say 'xxxx' liar or 'xxxx' .. (sorry) but it's true and suddenly ? I'm like oh wait just a minute, now You said something about Me .. and that was all she wrote. I made it about Me Every time !! He Knew it worked and that I would Shut Right up on the serious stuff and spin on that .. He never stopped because it Never stopped working ..
Go figure .. funny to see it now .. now after seeing it in him and me, I am looking passed him .. All my kids ever had to do was say one thing about mom's parenting and that's it .. end of conversation: Friends, family members .. It sucked me in Every time .. Focus focus focus .. not on Me either; on God ..
Gotta love this program ..
-- Edited by canadianguy on Sunday 15th of September 2013 12:00:07 AM
Thanks for this positive informative share I too REACTED and thought I was a fast thinker and oh so on the ball Alanon pointed out that reacting was a reaction and not a valid response in most situations. Alanon tools gave me permission to stop, think how I wanted to respond and then respond not react. I was then able to stay on topic, validate myself and not be drawn off topic.
Great post, great clarity.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 15th of September 2013 07:58:18 AM
Great share...it so proves how well this program works when we work it. The disease is master at manipulation and of course we have a part in it's success. ((((hugs))))
I get his one. Its a form of manipulation and yes my kids learned this one from a pro too. When im on the ball i say 'sorry you feel that way' and dont react but for years I would be in tears or feel really hurt and believe the crap, its amazing how much denial one person can be in. Im so grateful ive woke up. I feel the character in the film 'Awakenings'x
Well....there is a way to respond to that because being called liar along with curse words is treading over my boundaries. At that point I would calmly say "Excuse me? I'm not gonna stand here and be called names. This conversation is over" and then walk away. If they follow..."When you cal speak civilly and with respect, we can talk." That is a way of responding and not reacting. If you just sit there and absorb the name calling and cursing and do nothing - it sends a message that you will be a doormat.
Reacting being a reaction and the kids learning from a pro .. Love the clarity .. Also love when the light bulb turns on with something so simple ..., I would secretly wonder how they got so good, so I love the extra input of learning from a pro, el-cee. Absolutely they had great teachers .. When it comes down to it, my own siblings learned from the best .. gives me lots to continue to think about to increase the clarity .. true enough pink chip .. we send many messages without knowing it. What a good feeling when we finally being to see it ..
Good, good stuff everybody. i hadnt heard that concept in a long time about responding rather than reacting. i think you just nailed down the problems i'm having with that former, not sure if sober, friend. everything is about reacting rather than responding and she knows that's what i'll do when she uses her cruel and ugly language. i'll fall for it everytime! then she goes back to talking sane and pleasant then WHAM! I see how i've reacted to abusive people all my life. I cower, like a cornered rabbit around scary men or i react in anger if its someone i know cant hurt me. Another layer of peeling the onion of the effects of my abuse.
Yep .. Reacting is what made Me sick .. I had to carry My Own behavior .. very humbling process for me .. So grateful to see it .. felt so much better after addict left .. thought it was because of His chaos but really it's been because of Mine .. I react .. grateful to be learning to respond and seeing the effects of my own reacting; others too, etc .. reacting keeps me Stuck in my thinking; I don't move forward and seeing that is an extended awareness coming from my post .. I spent literally years reacting; therefore, I didn't begin to grow up until I hit the rooms of alanon .. we share the common problems of alcoholism and the alcoholics share common behaviors too .. many of them just do the same thing over and over .. crazy making for all of us ..
