My son - Al-Anon Family Group

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

My son

Pushka · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy,

There are sooo many situations I used to think I have to respond right this second. The STBAX would text and I had this compulsion to reply .. I can honestly tell you things got a whole lot easier when I stopped, .. I still have choices .. I can Pause, Pray and Proceed based upon what I'm guided to do in the given situation .. again for me I stopped responding and that worked very well for me. It did escalate the behavior in my stbax .. what it did was provide me with other peace. I was granted an OP. I'm sure not saying you should go to these extremes .. what I'm saying is when I Pause, Pray and Proceed I am giving my situation over to the care of God and allowing Him to figure things out. You absolutely have options and I know that with the guidance of your HP the answers will come to you .. there is nothing wrong with waiting.

Hugs P :)

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy, I think u are absolutely right in staying out of it.....if you run to his rescue in anyway, you keep yourself in the web of his problems....

if he crashes hard enough he will hopefully reach out for help....but he has to crash, I do believe, b4 he does that

some A's get it quicker than others....some are so stubborn and unwilling they have to be body slammed so hard they bounce off the pavement.....your son reminds me of my A and NA brothers.....look athem...both in trouble with the law and both getting enabled by friends.....they don't think they need help b/c other folks absorb their BS...their karma.....if everyone would take their HANDS OFF these two, MAYBE they would hit that bottom and on the bottom there is no where to go but up.....

stay strong....U can do this.....you gave him over to his maker.....now its time to back that covenent you made with yours and his HP up......i know....its hard and it sucks.....but this is the FACTS......

Ness · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy)))) take a deep breath, and a step back to reflect

I was often invited back into the chaos by 'well meaning' people. People who do not live with alcoholism have no idea of the reality of the chaos it brings to everyones lives....... the alcoholic and their loved ones, and all who it touches...... they view our actions as hard and unfeeling, we know differently. Our work in Alanon takes us to a place of serenity, day at a time, remember the slogan.. 'what other people think of me is none of my business'

When my son lost his belongings, in his periods of sobriety he would he would gain some back, by his own work, I know this gave him a sense of dignity, pride and achievement. Would my handing them back to him have given him this?

Love & support

Ness x

-- Edited by Ness on Sunday 15th of September 2013 05:00:10 AM

mm830 · Senior Member

You are both in my prayers.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Cathy))))

I am glad that your son is in a safe place. I know others do not understand our not acting.

Remember things can be replaced

In my prayers.

oldergal · Senior Member

What was the last thing you told your son? You told him your boundaries...don't call me when you are drunk. Even if he has not been drinking for a week or a few days off and on, or in the last 24 hours, it literally takes years to get sober and get everything out of your system, so he is still drunk. The landlord is a nice guy just trying to help, but is not wise to enabling and thats what he is doing, but he thinks he is just being helpful. Computers, jewelry, guns whatever he left behind is all replaceable. Don't clean up after your son...he will never learn. Don't do for your son what he should be doing for himself. Don't take the landlords calls. The message on my phone when I was in a crisis said, "I am out of town right now if you have an absolute emergency please call 911 or get yourself to the hospital" You are not responsible for any of your son's actions...he is causing this all himself, this is not your doing, you have no control. Stay out of it. You have tried all you can, if direr consequences result from this crisis, you know that you have tried everything humanly possible to get him to stop drinking, and everyone on this board is a witness to that. Get out of town tomorrow, turn off your phone and take a little trip, go to a new church out of town, buy a new book, find a river or lake, put a fishing pool in get some perspective. In the improvement catagory you are doing all that you can. You are not God you cannot perform a miracle....Take a breather.

In support, Oldergal

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

If you want to, look up, "your state, Landlord tenant law." Landlords have to store things, they cannot just give the stuff away.

Plus he has to evict him legally. He cannot just tell him to go, or give him a notice, it takes going to court.

I am so sad for you and him hon. He is so sick.

He will only hock his stuff someday....betty is right, its just stuff.

I know, once you know you do feel worse. To be honest if my ex AH was in trouble, and someone called me, I might go check it out.

Am so sorry u have to go thru this. May be more what can you do to protect you. Change your number? hugs, deb

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for the ESH. All I know is my son is safe for the moment and maybe will get sober enough to realize he is homeless now. He hasn't call or anything but my next step I think is to not answer his calls at all. Is that the right thing to do....I will pray about it. I'm scared but not scared enough to help him ....just don't know if even talking to him will do any good for him or me. He might not want to hear the words .....NO I can't help you.

Where will he go what will he do. He will sleep in his car until he's picked up for something. I will try not to project. I will try and get some sleep. I will read and pray and go to meetings. I will pm members and will post my fears. I will read your ESH to give me the strength to overcome this. It will pass but the outcome I do not know.

I will take my son and raise him up to God and let him have him....crying....I will continue to let go.

God grant me the serenity to except the things I can no change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference....

Dear God in heaven I am giving you my son tonight, please take care of him for me because I can't do it anymore. He is in your hands now. Please show me the way, hold my hand and guide me in the right direction....this oh lord I ask of you tonight...Amen

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Cathy

You and I seem to be kindred spirits. I easily get sucked in. My son hardly has a coat on his back due to him staying in different places and losing his stuff. All his clothing has been bought by me. Its so tempting to help them but is it helping? You could go and get his stuff but is that sending the message - when push comes to shove mums there to stop it hurting too much? I think him losing his stuff may be a natural consequence for his behaviour and failure to take responsibilities for his actions.

In the grand scheme of things does it matter too much if he loses it all? My son has nothing now - he has sold, traded, ipods, phones, laptop, every nice Xmas and birthday things he ever owned. Lovely jackets, tops all gone!!! I have let go of the anger and hurt for this and I realise that of course he has nothing that is the path his lifestyle takes. My son leads a chaotic life where he takes no action to change things and resents anyone who tries to do it for him so in the end I think we all get what we deserve, noone gets away with the consequences for ever. Let him have the consequences, tell the landlord not to contact you again and that he should do whatever he needs to do. Your son will get what he deserves.

I am still in this situation with my son and I have let him sleep on my couch but its no good because he starts relying on that safety net and old habits creep in. Cut the strings and do something really nice for you today, sooth your soul a wee bit Cathy, dont let his consequences be yours.x

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

You are in my prayers Cathy.

Rose50 · Senior Member

((((Cathy))))

So sorry to hear this news but all is not lost. I had this situation earlier this year with my son. He had just rented his own apartment and proceeded to go on a 5 day binge. The landlord lived on the premises. My son was cooking something and left the stove on, setting off the smoke alarm. When the landlord discovered the condition he was in, she called me and told me "I want him out of here" and I responded (like you) that I couldn't do anything about it and told her to call the police.

She then told me that it was MY responsibility as his mother to remove him from the premises. I again said "Call the police or do whatever you need to do". She began angry and told me I was making him her problem. She then also sent me a nasty text. I could understand the woman was very upset being placed in this situation but what could I do?

Not sure who she ended up calling but my son was taken to the hospital by EMT's. Luckily, his friend was able to retrieve his personal belongings from the apartment. After release from the hospital, he went to the rooming house where he's currently living.

Prayers for your son and for you, his loving mom.

(((((((hugs))))))

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Prayers Cathy. I don't remember, do you have a sponsor?

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds like you are working a great program in the middle of it and it does sound a hoopty, you are so very strong! I am sending you much love and support!

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

No Paula I don't have a sponsor.....I'm on my own.

oldergal · Senior Member

LOVELY prayer at the end of your post, words from your heart....keep repeating it.... og

cwya · Senior Member

i am reminded of the pages in ODAT 3, 9, 19,308, but especially p. 22 in CTC that describes the difference between detachment with anger or resentment, running away from the alcoholic and his problems, and detachment with love. it seems to me you have set healthy boundaries with your son and the landlord. it does no good to either abandon the A or enmire ourselves in the A's difficulties. We can detach with love which means we dont prevent a crisis nor create one. There is a happy medium which is detaching emotionally but not from the person in trouble. We can thus be there when the A reaches out for help in getting sober without cleaning up his messes for him. it doesnt take years of separation from the A for him to get sober but it takes years to clean up the mess left by the drinking/using years. indeed were i to have detached from the person instead of just the disease, i might have missed the opportunity to help someone to recovery and my son might not have gotten clean and sober. But neither did i assume responsibility for things that were his business, not mine. it is important for us alanons to remember the fatality of the disease of alcoholism. it can end in only 3 ways: death, imprisonment, or institutionalization. This program offers another option: sobriety and recovery. you are doing exactly what you need to do to detach with love. i did not abandon my son to his disease; rather as a result of living my Alanon program he came to see me clean and sober 17 days before he died. if i had failed in detaching from his disease instead of him, i never would have experienced that miracle in both our lives. my prayers join with yours.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry cwya for your loss. How old was your son...

hisimage · Veteran Member

Cathy, I don't know.. can you tell the landlord what you are doing?

"Thank you so much for your willingness to help, but I am taking a step back... blah blah blah

Just curious if you telling him you can't help is still entertaining helping your son and "co-ing" him??

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