The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So glad you're here jim. I know the place you're at emotionally very intimately. my parents didnt prepare me for real life either and it has taken me years to learn the answers to your questions for myself. We live in a culture where all too many people focus only on possessions and on the obtaining and spending of money. what i have learned as a result of the alanon program is that it is far better to learn detachment from others and things so i can maintain proper perspective on my own feelings and experiences. after being disabled 17 years ago i lost my ability to support myself in the manner i was accustomed to. i saw the people around me acquiring and spending wealth and also have felt self pity and envy.
since then i have learned a path of physical and spiritual poverty that enables me to observe from a healthier place the spending/acquiring culture i live in. this was very difficult to learn but i came to understand that pursuit of wealth and possessions is an unhealthy attachment to the world that can never be really satisfied because acquiring things leads to the desire to want to acquire more and more and then i learned that money, spending, and things are empty of what i want most which is to love and be loved to the best of my ability.
it almost killed me to live in that kind of culture because i constantly felt deprived and therefore could never experience peace and serenity with today. We have no way of knowing our futures and i saw i had thrown away huge junks of my life hoping for or fearing things that may never come to me. its why we emphasize in alanon living in Today. Because that's all we have and i can fall into the self-pity quickly when i'm comparing my financial status with that of others. When i look at my situation only from the perspective of what i need rather than all the things i might wish or want to have, i can find peace and contentment in my here and now. The best way i have found to achieve this is to focus on the joy (yes i feel joy even in my reduced circumstances), hope and faith i can achieve by working the steps and living by the principles of alanon. my answers to the same questions when i ask them of myself are these... where is my help? it is in alanon and my higher power who never fail me. Who is looking out for me?---I AM---with the aid and comfort of my friends in alanon and my HP.
We dont have to do it on our own anymore because we never have to BE alone anymore unless we choose to be. my alanon program and God are always only a breath away.
you can do this. believe in yourself. look to acquire what you need not what our culture teaches us to want. As to what you mean when you ask why do i have to wait. i learned waiting for the future made me lose decades of my life in the pursuit of things that i dont need to survive with serenity. in alanon i learned to only live in today. if my focus is only on those above me who have more then i cant maintain proper perspective which is on those who have less than me. what we need and what we want in this culture are entirely different things. when i focus on my needs and the blessings i have i dont feel deprived. the best way i get to that place is to look around me at the beauty in the world and in the people i meet. there is where i find contentment and even happiness.
-- Edited by cwya on Saturday 14th of September 2013 02:59:00 PM
Saw a movie once. Can't remember who was in it. An older man and a young boy were walking hand in hand. The little boy asked the man to help him understand how to live life. The man said, "Well, son, we're all just making it up as we go." You're not alone, Jim. None of us have been totally prepared for life by our parents - in part because our parents are in process - just as we are. And their way of being in life is usually not our way of being in life. We're different people having to some degree different experiences.
Everything material is really a paper bag. Fire, bank closures, government debt, mortgages underwater, power plants breaking down, tornadoes, wars, car accidents can happen in an instant and all our stuff and even our closest loved ones can be lost to us in one quick burst of something unpredictable. No human being - no matter how well educated or how well prepared or how wealthy or poor can escape living one day at a time to the best of our ability or sudden loss of some sort.
I am no less vulnerable nor more vulnerable from change or sudden loss than any other human being. The only thing that separates me from another person is how I view myself and them and what type of attitude I choose. And those choices are always 100% my own.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 14th of September 2013 03:04:12 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 14th of September 2013 03:05:11 PM
these folks may appear like they have it all together...but it all can change in the blink of an eye...
money and resources may fend off some problems...but things like death, addiction, broken hearts...that hits everyone.
I have to watch myself too -- I went to a friend's house and she has a lovely home...all finely finished hardwood molding, spotless floors, everything in its place. My reaction? I was in a funk for a week because I want a house like that! However, because I am ALONE, I don't have the resources to work lots of hours outside the home AND keep my home perfect. Not to mention I can't afford much of the upkeep on my home...so there are unfinished windows, jury-rigged tv stands, etc. and I had hoped to have the finer things in life. Frankly, I get p'oed because I work hard, I'm a nice person...WHY CAN"T I HAVE THAT?
I also look around and see all these women my age in long-term relationships. I compare myself to them...Gawd...even SHE has a husband! am I even more of a loser than she?
Intellectually, I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. The reality is that I do. People say "but you have SO much to be thankful for!" and that is not particularly helpful to me..because if I could SEE my blessings I wouldn't be in a funk in the first place. So now I am not only in a funk because of my life situation, I am in a funk because I SHOULD be happy shiny.
Sometimes I just want people to SEE me...to have some consideration for me...but even that is an expectation that tends to turn into resentments. I try to do the gratitude list thing, but when I'm in this headspace the exercise feels gimicky and in authentic. I know part of this is my depression (I have the diagnosis) too.
Just know that we ALL compare ourselves to others to some degree, and we all get down. but then...tomorrow is another day.
Hang in there, Jim...and you are NOT alone. I am in the same headspace, for what it's worth.
RP
-- Edited by rehprof on Saturday 14th of September 2013 03:06:00 PM
My name is Slogan_jim and I am a grateful member of al-anon.
I woke up this morning feeling very overwhelmed. I feel like I am tackling the world by myself. What triggered this was last night I was over at a friends house and they had just come back from a trip in the states. They kept showing off all of their new purchases, talking about how much money they've spent. Later on, we went out on the town and I brought enough money I could spend (i'm good like that) and fully expected to spend it. I did, no biggie. Later, they invited me to a trip in Florida with them in October. I said I'd see,
This trip will consist mostly of heavy drinking, and spending more money. These guys were blessed that they have family that made all the right decisions. They were able to help out their children so for them, even if they have to take on some consumer debt in the back of their minds they know they'll see that money again. Me, I feel not so much. This has lead to me feeling very sorry for myself.
My parents gave me nothing in terms of a future. I had to figure it out for myself. No financial support, no direction, little re-assurance that things will turn out ok. It's comforting to know that I can count on myself to support myself however, where is my help? Who is looking out for me? Why do I have to wait?
B. You already know the answer to a trip filled with drinking. (Why)
C. You are never alone, you know it and I know it. Our heavenly father never turns his face from us, it's us who forget sometimes and turn ours.
D. Sorry you are allowing the earthy goods to cloud your vision, I've always heard our rewards are not here on earth. (Aka) Things sometimes don't seem fair.
I've walked in your shoes in more ways then one, no family money passed down. No direction our thoughts of how to use healthy boundaries. Thank heaven though because the pride I feel from having made a good life gives me great satisfaction and pride.
I too have family in FL. that I would love to visit and have a good time with, however; the mother lives there and she is nothing but trouble. The last time I was there to help out my sister who was ill, left me sick to my stomach and needing 12 months to recoup from the nasty vile the mother was spewing.
Guess what I'm saying is there are good times and there are great times. Having my serenity put at risk or challenged is never a good time for me. Something that helps me is realizing I have the right to create new life adventures. I may elect to not attend a get together in FL. and instead create plans with friends who aren't active in worldly rewards and look more forward to that then feeling depleted financially and emotionally with all serenity shot.
Nothing good comes of comparing ourselves to others.
Its a good thing that you are a self sufficient individual. That's what your Parents did for you.
You are too involved in taking others inventory as far as material things, you don't know people's situations, they could be in debt up to their..... and you can't hide from people who have a little more than you. Thats life, accept it.
Happiness does not depend on whats outside of yourself and a rich life doesnt depend on money, its the quality of your life thats important.
Your doing okay Jim, value yourself, you are important , material gain and money doesnt give you more value.
Its a good thing that you are a self sufficient individual. That's what your Parents did for you.
Thanks Bettina, I needed to read this one for myself too. Very wise.
I had an awareness, Jim, recently. I was thinking of my home and was feeling sad and then it hit me, I thought Gods motive was for me to live there and thrive and stay with this family long term without any of us ever splitting and going our own ways. What I realized with my thinking toward my home being forever was that I was assuming. The image and idea I had weren't necessarily the same as Gods. That was my will. The acceptance piece is a process. I began to think back to my home asking myself what it was that I thought Felt like home, where was the grace, was it supportive ? I began to remember the loneliness and pain and the lack of direction and support and then it hit me. What God began to show me is that wasn't my 'Home. My Home is with Him. God is good. Hang in there and keep coming back ..
-- Edited by MeTwo2 on Saturday 14th of September 2013 09:24:09 PM
I am also one of those who has what she has because she earned it, nothing came free to me and standing on the past 50 side of life I am ok with it. Sure would be nice to have some long lost uncle die and leave me a house like my sis's husbands uncle did; or grandma or mother that worked all their life and died wealthy leave me the bulk of their estate, like my sis's husbands grandma and mother did. But the thing I see a lot of is people who have inheritances not valuing what they receive or the toys and lifestyle that the money buys them. My sis n her hubby mistake the reason for my distance from them as jealousy over them having and me having not - when the truth is, I dislike having their prosperity rubbed in my face (not to mention being told how tired they are when only one works 4 hours a day; how much everything they have is worth or cost them; and, how people don't understand how much of a burden being given a house is - they have to pay property taxes, upkeep, etc, boo hoo) (are ya feeling sorry for them yet?)
One of the observances I've made over the years is how little people who have family backing them up realize just how lucky they are to have that family support. And sis and her husband can keep their stuff, they aren't happy even though they work hard pretending they are.
__________________
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
i too had what i had because i earned it. but the world, life and other people sometimes take what we have earned away from us. when or if that happens we can look into the abyss of fear and loss and despair or we can learn to focus on the things which are important---which arent THINGS!
this is how i learned to SEE my blessings. first my sponsor told me to write down 3 things I like. just 3. i kid you not i sat there and stared at the empty screen/page and could think of nothing. then i went back in time to my childhood to see if i had had any favorite things...guess what! I love rain, sunlight through tree branches, chocolate cake...you get the idea. then she said write 3 things you dont like. and lo and behold between those 2 lists were my blessings and my gratitude. i was grateful it was raining, cake was available, i didnt have to eat brussel sprouts etc. eventually my gratitude lists grew and grew and i was then able to recite to my HP every night what blessings had been bestowed and then my 10 step inventory which tended toward self pity, expectations, resentments, anger etc. When i do this my life is rich. when i dont well...i can always go back to my alcoholic perspective, if that's what i choose.
My aunt has never worked and my grandparents took care of her her whole life. They left all their money too her as she is bipolar and they have always enabled her up to the point they died. My aunt is in her 70s now. Sad and miserable and has never accomplished much. So...what good did being given everything do her? None.
You're in good company! I'm also self-made and continue to evolve, work for what I have- a process that has made me fairly resourceful. I have struggles, but I also have rewards.
Supporting yourself is a big deal and a blessing! It's true that we each are handed different life parcels, but we each have our own blessings, too.
Thanks for the ESH, to all of you. And thanks Slogan_jim for the topic. I have to go into the snake pit today...group of female relatives whose only purpose is to share what they've done, where they've vacationed, what deal they got on their last big purchase. As a rule I sit and take it in and then compare my sad, sorry life to theirs...and so, today I will go with a new sense of purpose because my HP will be guiding my day. I will be gracious, not resentful. Cordial, not cutting. I will repeat the Serenity prayer when necessary. I will work my fledgling program one moment at a time.
Good luck in the snake pit, Cathy. you are well on your way to learning the art of detachment. i have to regularly remind myself that just because someone invites me into a dysfunctional game doesnt mean i have to play. Tough to learn, tougher to do. but with time, we can always learn how to maintain our values and boundaries. its one of the promises of working the steps in alanon.
