The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What an eye-opening weekend so far. In ways I could not have anticipated!
Excuse the long rambly story, but I made a decision, on my way home, that rather than come home and get upset with the A all night, I would sit down at my desk and write it out here instead. (I could have just journalled it but I guess I want to feel heard).
It began with me deciding to spend Friday night (last night) at my family's house. (several hours away). My parents are overseas, but I wanted to spend some time with my siblings, have a laugh, be around people who like me. So I mentioned it to the A and he was acting all ecstatic about it and trying to encourage me to stay away longer- I've come to recognise this reverse psychology; if he acts like he really wants me to go away OR if we fight before I leave, I used to end up not going, anywhere, ever. It worked on me for years. So I cheerfully agreed and when I finally left, he was suddenly sad and angry and weird- "Oh, are you still going? I suppose you are going to get tarted up, go out and meet someone else since you obviously don't want me anymore" blah blah blah. Then some crap about me meeting up with an old friend who "obviously has the hots for me". (A very old platonic friend who is also my long-time hairdresser; I mentioned getting a haircut). Just a big pile of nonsense, really. So I gave him a hug and kiss and said "let's not argue about silly things, I love you and I'd never cheat on you and you know it". And he faithfully promised to have his phone on so that we could arrange for him to pick me up from the train station. But he sure didn't look happy as I left; in fact he looked quite murderous. Whatever. One night away, to see my family and get a haircut, big deal.
Anyway, as I mentioned, my parents are away, leaving my 3 brothers and our baby sister home alone. And she's been complaining endlessly to me for weeks about my brothers, who don't clean up, sleep all day, stay up late, etc. They're aged between 23 and 27 and baby sister is 20 so, really, if they're all going to choose to live at home for free then they all have to put up with each other, and that's that. But she sees herself as in charge and watching her in action was absolutely jaw-dropping.
There was not a moment when any of us could relax; I was trying to enjoy just hanging out, having a laugh and watching silly videos with my brothers, who were really pleased to see me, and instead of joining in, my sister sulked in her room and every half an hour or so, she marched out to scream the house down about one thing or another.I tried to go in and say hello to her but she angrily declared she was "busy". (busy fuming!!). And WOW. I was kinda flabbergasted. Why was she doing this during my brief visit? I only see them a couple of times a year. I think, it was a performance to show me how terrible and hard her life is having to look after a house full of brothers (a self-appointed role, they're all productive self-sufficient young men and aside from a few dishes in the sink, the place was in perfect shape, as always). At one point, my youngest brother came home from work at 1am and he asked her if he could eat the leftover sausages in the fridge as everything had been shut and he couldn't buy dinner on the way home. The conversation just floored me. It sounded like an argument between 2 bickering old married people. Or, my A and myself. lol.
Brother: "Hey is it OK if I eat those leftover sausages?"
Sister: "OH MY GOD you think you can just take anything you want! What are you going to do for me?"
Brother: "Anything you like! What would you like me to do?"
"Sister: "I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO 'xxxx' TELL YOU! LOOK AROUND, THERE ARE SO MANY JOBS THAT NEED DOING".
"Brother: "OK, let me eat and then I'll do anything you'd like".
10 minutes later as he's just about to eat she's there again, screaming "OMG WHO SAID YOU CAN EAT THOSE! YOU'RE SO SELFISH"
Brother: "I thought we agreed I'd eat and then I'd do something for you?"
Sister: "I BOUGHT THOSE WITH MY OWN MONEY YOU'RE SO SELFISH I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO TELL YOU WHAT JOBS NEED DOING LOOK AROUND ARE YOU BLIND?" and stormed back to her room.
Brother put the sausages back in the fridge and as she walked away he winked and said to me "Her loss". He went without dinner, and she fumed more. (If she had simply said "no, don't eat them, I want them", he wouldn't have blinked. Brother the youngest is an agreeable soul. There didn't need to be a problem.)
It went on all night, brother put on the heater because it was cold, she stormed out and turned it off "It's far too hot in here who do you think you are". (None of them pay the bills there so it really wasn't any of her concern).
Other brother went to cook something and she went off about him re-using his own dirty fry-pan- "you have to wash it before you can use it again PUT IT BACK IN THE SINK OH MY GOD YOU'RE ALL SO DISGUSTING!!!" (The idea that she hasn't washed their dishes and they don't care is clearly making her completely insane).
And it was about them drinking too much (no-one had more than a few beers aside from my sister who was clearly quite drunk and slurring), staying up too late (hello, all adults, wtf?) and generally doing everything possible "to upset her". She performed an absolutely perfect rendition of my mother, on steroids. Especially the drunkenly screaming at everyone that they shouldn't be drinking. Because of course she needs a few wines, see what she has to put up with living with all of these lazy selfish alcoholics?
So when I got up this morning, it was still going. As I was chatting happily to my oldest brother, who was microwaving breakfast before work, she marched out, opened the microwave and took out his plate, gladwrapped it and slammed it back in. "WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO CLEAN THE MICROWAVE WHEN YOUR FOOD SPLATTERS?". Stupid question, my brother is a clean-freak; he'd wipe it out and he said so. He was furious and stormed out without breakfast. She stormed back to her room. I left without saying goodbye to any of my brothers, who were all hiding angrily in their rooms. My sister walked me to the tram-stop and complained about them the whole way there. I said very little other than to comment on the weather etc. I love my sister but it isn't my place to tell her how to live her life or to suggest that she's behaving like a codependant psychopath!! It was sad to see everyone going without food because someone screams every time they try. I grew up with that and now the same thing happens in my home. My A seems to feel that it's best to scream at people when they are about to eat, until they lose their appetites and go hungry instead. I make sure he's no-where around when we eat now. Has anyone else ever encountered this behaviour? It's horrible.
So, what's the point to this story? Well, I contemplated it all the way home (of course my A had his phone turned off the entire time I was gone and I spent over 4 hours travelling home on public transport trying to rationalise my way out of my anger and dissapointment with him).
It was very clear to me that my sister was not going to have any success getting my brothers to conform to her standard of housekeeping (which is over the top, parents are away, chill out, wow!). In fact my brothers seemed uneasy, fed up and depressed with her behaviour. She wasn't making sense and certainly wasn't conveying her message to them- that she's terribly terribly put upon and hurt. But I don't think this is about her making them wash a few dishes or take the rubbish out every 10 minutes. I think this is about her having a chance to really shine as a martyr, in my mother's absence. So I tried to put myself her shoes and understand why. Why is she, at the ripe old age of 19, taking on such an insane role in her family? And I came up with this.
She has a lot of her own problems. She is morbidly overweight. She has no friends or social life at all. She leads a lonely and isolated life and it's probably easier for her to re-direct all of her unhappiness onto the people she lives with and blame them. That makes sense, doesn't it? Please understand, I'm not trying to be judgemental or analyse my sister, that's not my place, I'm trying to think about this martyrdom that seems to pass down amongst the females in my family, and why it exists, and how it applies to myself, by examining what I just witnessed in my family home.
Well, I'm sorry this story is so long and taking so many leaps but I really felt like I'd made some good discoveries here. This applies to me because I am doing the exact same thing (without the screaming). There are many, many things about my life that I am unhappy about. I have no friends or social life. I'm extremely isolated. I'm unhealthy; I smoke like a chimney and get no exercise and whilst I'm not terribly overweight, I'm hardly in good shape. I tried to do a chin-up at the park the other day and couldn't- not 1 single chin-up. I have been doing a 4 year full-time course for 6 years now and I still haven't finished, in fact this past year I haven't passed a single unit. I've achieved nothing. I can't drive a car. I feel so useless, broken, afraid and unwell. So it's easier, isn't it, to live with an alcohol/gambling/computer-game addict who's behaviour is completely off the wall and blame him for my problems. And his behaviour is dreadful, that's no lie, but I choose to keep living with it. As I did with my ex-husband and my boyfriend before that. It's much easier to live with them, and let my life pass by without ever getting up and finding the courage to create my own changes. Because of course I am getting nowhere and I'm unhealthy and depressed- see what I have to put up with? Poor me.
I love the A, but he is intollerable to live with. I've fantasised many, many times that I might find a house for my daughter, dog and cat and live there and be happy, and the A can find his own place, do his own thing, and if he wants to see me he can come and visit, and if he wants to have a future with me he can get into recovery. And if he doesn't, and we drift apart, well, so be it. It's a good fantasy. It'd be a very good step in the right direction. So why don't I? Because I don't want to be face to face with myself and my own problems with no-one to blame? I think that's a pretty big part of it. (That and, I'm very afraid to lose him which is complete insanity). (Plus it would be hard to do, financially, practically, insert additional excuses here_______).
Well, that's what I realised. I thought it was significant. I'm doing this to avoid facing myself.
So, after my very contemplative journey, I arrived home, the lights were all out and the door was latched from inside. I had to bang on it for ages before the A came and let me in, bleary-eyed and "shocked". "Why didn't you call me?" he asked. And in spite of my best intentions, I said (quietly) "your phone has been off the whole time, as you very well know". And that was all that it took- he was in my face, screaming at me before I was even in the door- "How dare you accuse me of bull-&^%$, I did everything possible to make sure my phone was on!" (what-the-hell-does-that-mean? He did everything possible short of actually switching it on?) and with that he stormed into his room and-yep-barricaded the door again. Welcome home Mel. It's been 4 hours now and he hasn't come out. I unwittingly gave him leave to drink, gamble and game the night away and blame me- and I'm quite sure it will be because I "screamed at him" when I got home (when in reality the only screaming was done by him).
Then before I could even sit down, his mum called to talk at me for an hour about how sad her son's life is and what a poor boy he is and how hard he has tried and so on and so forth. I didn't even try to resist; she's lonely and miserable and it's not my place to disagree with her fantasy. In an hour of listening, I managed to squeeze in a couple of "uh-huhs" and an "mhhm". That's a literal non-exaggerated fact; his mum talks, without stopping, without even pausing, and if you try to respond in any way, she talks over the top of you as if she hasn't heard you. It's exhausting, overwhelmingly negative, and not in the slightest bit enjoyable. In the end she disclosed that she'd "accidentally" given our phone number to one of his ex-girlfriends and then went on and on about what a psychopath that girl is and how she ruined her son's life and we'd be well advised to stay away from her. I finally gathered that her phone-call was a recon mission to find out if we'd received any calls yet. Well, that ex-girlfriend is very unstable; they broke up 10 years ago and she has harrassed me constantly over the years- to tell me that he still loves her, to tell me that she still loves him, to tell me that she just wants to be friends, to tell me to stay away from him because he's a bad, bad man; I blocked her from facebook, email, somehow she kept finding ways to contact me. Finally we moved, changed all of our phone-numbers and it stopped. So it's really fantastic news that she has our new phone-number. Thanks A's mother. I know how much you enjoy a good drama. I look forward to the daily bouts of phone-calls, hang-ups and weird messages in strange accents again. I won't be telling him about this. I'm not buying in to the crazy.
So I wrote this- my own diatribe- lol. And it helped, even if it's rambly and makes no sense to anyone else. So, if you made it this far, thank-you for listening.
My sister just messaged me- "see? see what I am putting up with? If I become a serial killer, you'll know why".
I suggested she could maybe stop taking on everyone else's problems if it's making her feel so crazy.
She replied "WHY? WHY should I let them get away with it?"
Why indeed.
-- Edited by canadianguy on Saturday 14th of September 2013 10:10:57 PM
Unfortunately (?), everything you said made absolute sense to me. Been there, done that.
You've had some very valuable revelations from watching those around you. I've had that same experience watching some of my siblings and friends. It's interesting to see how we used to be all wrapped up in that same drama. But we don't have to contribute to it anymore, do we? Well done, Melly!
Awareness is a first step towards action. You're on your way, Melly. You're making progress. You're seeing so much so clearly now. Good for you. It takes courage to see and to accept reality as it truly is for us. You stepped way, way back from the drama - didn't take any of it on - and stayed on program as I see it. Congratulations!
Been through some of the same, Melly. I was given the spiritual gift as well to just watch the behaviors and actually see the disease and dynamics play out. I watched the As mother twist and distort everyone's behavior around her. I watched her have a peaceful conversation with another at one point and slowly change the facts of the conversation (Behind this person's back) to every next character in the play who came along, (Family). I watched the one she had the peaceful conversation with slowly become the definite target and later on (When there was the silent everyone knows but won't tell feeling) second guess herself saying what, i'm paranoid and me thinking nope you're not. this is happening. In this case, for a change, She really Was the only one who Wasn't Crazy !! the entire situation, however, was absolutely crazy at times. Your sister is stuffing her feelings literally with eating, which you may know .. choosing feelings not food, etc.. ; I am down near 52 now. I only have another 40 to go but wow. Mine came on with kids but stayed on with the A .. We were like an old married couple at times literally. I believe a defect has been removed from me due to literally working my butt off through the steps. Love you got to watch the "Play, The Merry Go Round of Blame & Denial." Just had a meeting on that last night as a matter of fact in a face to face.. Funny .. I Never knew I too had a part in the "Home Movie". My part was the tale of woe too .. I see the movie so clear now it blows me away .. Thank God I have found the fellowship and been able to Retire My "Role."
Thanks guys
MeTwo2, you know what? The A's mother has talked, and talked, and talked, and asked me questions over the years and encouraged me to share with her what an abusive dick her son is. And I fell into the trap of talking to her, for a long time (when I could get a word in). She wanted to be involved in every drama; there was a period when the police were called to our noisy domestic dramas repeatedly and I didn't know what to do so I turned to his family to help me and his brother came and took the A away after he broke my ribs one night. I had this silly idea that they were on my side, that they appreciated how much I cared and the fact that I wanted to keep it "in the family". Wow. Somehow, I didn't realise for a long time, that she was telling everyone who would listen that I was the latest and greatest psycho in her son's life. Then, one Christmas we were listening to her rant on and on about her friend and the "psycho bitch" he lives with, and it hit me. Those are the same things that she says about me to anyone who will listen. So now, she gets "Oh", "Mhhm" and "we're fine" from me. She can twist that any way she likes.
A further note on Brother the Youngest- he is all of 22 years old and he taught me one of the most valuable lessons I have ever learned, years ago. We were having an argument one day (about a song, and who sang it) and he gave up pretty early on and said very sincerely, "Oh, OK, sorry, you're right, my mistake". A few days later, I found out that he was right, so I called him to apologise and he laughed and said "I know that". I was struck by how easily he gave up trying to "win" and I started to pay attention to what he said and how he handled arguments. I found that he does that constantly; concedes defeat and then goes about his own business. Do you know what that taught me? It taught me to pay attention to what he says, because he's a smart boy and what he says just might be right. People respect him a lot and listen to what he says. Because he doesn't say it twice or argue about it. It's a brilliant skill; I've been trying to learn it from him for years!
Yep, that's a Great skill .. I am finally getting they Aren't the ones to reason Anything through with .. they are Not going to make My own thinking clearer .. I see it today too .. it was the reacting and responding that was making me sick for so long. I recognize today the reason I feel So much better these days is because I haven't done any of that for a long time and neither have they (we don't see them these days).
Wow, great post! Thank you Melly. It is a wonder what can be learned when you take a moment to "step outside" of the drama and observe.
Your little brother sounds like a gem.
