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My father in law has called me the enabeler. This was many months ago when my AH was in detox for a week.( he was sober for 3 mnths after that) Tonight he was half bombed and decided to attend an AA meeting (not sure how to let my mind absorb that yet...waiting to see what tomorrow brings before I begin to get my hopes up too much) So I was deeply wounded when I was called the "enabler"..ouch..I am still questioning my role in A's disease....in his eyes. I admit I drank with A when we first met. I believe that was maximum 4 beer on a friday night back when my 2 kids would be at my parents for their sleepover and Mommy had a night free to sometimes do laundry...so cool..or socialize with friends which is how our relationship started. Did he ever over drink, yes once or twice, within a year that I saw. Over the course of that year, he slowly began to spend more time at my home...after work...he had a full time job and he worked out of his garage as a mechanic..busy man...so I thought...what did I know I had two kids a fulltime job and house to keep up...duh!It wasnt until I moved into his house with my kids did I even start to notice that the only thing he was workin on in the garage was his alcohol tolerance...I then begin questioning friends and family only to find out he has had severe drinking problems since he was a teenager...he didnt just like his beer. So....I am the enabler? Sigh....what does that mean? Am I to blame for him not quitting the drink...not likely. How does that go again...I did not cause it and I can not cure it...I dont condone what he does and he knows that. He went to detox because he thought I was leaving him..I was in fact completely silent when I arrived home with my kids to find him drinking when he was supposed to watch the kids while I went to teach Zumba....well common sense told me shut up take them to your moms go teach your class and note to self...he can now not be trusted to have any responsibility in being left alone with the kids....my class was interupted by a phone call from his mom telling me I urgently need to go home because he was in a bad state....no **** sherlock he has been there awhile. into detox he goes...I do not pay his bills and refuse to buy him beer..(definitely a functioning alcoholic for the time being anyway).I dont argue with a drunk nor will I waste my breath on telling a drunk what he should and should not do. He is an adult and I have repeatedly told him he makes his choices and some of the choices leave me with no choice...its not a threat...here's the line and here's my boundaries...I support his wanting to get better fully and try to be considerate of the "disease" but sometimes we need to go into survival mode and clearly set out boundaries. His sister and my mom watch my kids regardless if he is home or not.
Wow I really went on a rant there...stupid sleepless nights...So please any thoughts on what enabling is would be greatly appreciated because I need a clear picture so that I may own my part....or at least stew on it awhile till I can accept, change and move forward.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 13th of September 2013 10:14:24 AM
I don't think what you are describing is enabling. You didnt know at first.
When I married my A husband, I didnt have a clue about alcohol, we dated for a year before we moved in together.
I still didnt marry him until a year later. But it was becoming apparant that he liked to drink. I didnt know anything about alcoholism. Nobody in my family drank, I mean nobody. He admitted to me that he hid his problem.
I wasnt an enabler, but I sure turned into a provoker..
Important thing is you are here in Alanon now, doing something about it. Making it better for yourself.
Hi Mari,
It sounds to me as though you have good awareness. In my experience there is no handbook when we first start living with an A. Sometimes people point the finger and say things that might, unconsciously, be about themselves rather than the person they are talking to. We all do it to some degree, so I'm sorry you are loosing sleep about what someone else thinks. Perhaps it resonates a bit, but we are all probably much clearer about our paths than we were in the early days! Enjoy the Zumba classes and have a good day.
Aloha Mari and that's the important question. The answer I learned was that when whatever you do to help the alcoholic/addict makes the situation worse...that is enabling (it to get worse). That's what I learned and so I worked on the stuff I did...well intentioned or not that came out with the opposite of what I was looking for. As for your father-in-law...if he isn't qualified to take your inventory...he isn't qualified and shouldn't. When I was in this situation with people pointing finger at me and taking my inventory I practiced "QTIP"...I Quit Taking It Personal...they didn't know and didn't know that they didn't know. Keep coming back...didn't read if you are attending face to face Al-Anon meetings. ((((Hugs))))
good morning! As you work through the 12 steps, it will be revealed to you where you are or aren't enabling. I find when I react to something someone says, there may be little truths or big truths lurking somewhere. And sometimes there isn't...I do my inventory and ask my HP to show me to me. It is hard to say what prompted the remark...it is anquish for a parent to experience this disease with their children. Recovery work is essential for all involved. (((hugs)))
Thank you all for taking the time to read my rant. I appreciate the feed back, it helps me to redirect my thinking. I love that there is the availability of perspectives from all different aspects. Parents, siblings, husbands, wives, children, friends,etc. who suffer the effects of alcoholism. It gives me the ability to open my mind to acceptance, tolerance and forgiveness.
As the saying goes "Forgive them father for they know not what they do." I can also reflect and say "Forgive me for I wish I knew better at that moment"
Hi Mari, I'm not sure if you're attending Al-Anon meetings. It is where I heard about the 3 Cs: I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It. Good explanations of this are easily found online.
When I heard this the first time, I knew a lifeline had been thrown to me, and I only had to grab on. As I learned more, I still had work to do on myself. A LOT of work. I could put the focus on me. No matter what I had done, was doing or would later do, I had not caused it, I wouldn't control it and I surely wouldn't cure it. Not I.
When my own in-laws took me aside to let me know I was causing my husband's "drinking too much", I was already way ahead of the game. So far that I knew even they had not caused it.
You didn't cause it, either. You won't control it, and you won't cure it. That is the alcoholic's job.
Hi, it doesn't sound like you are an enabler. I was, completely and utterly, it does tend to go with the territory. Do you live with him? I wasnt sure what your situation is, for me I fell hook, line and sinker for all of it. I lived it, breathed it. My life revolved around my A. I blamed myself, him, his Mother, everybody. I thought I had the power to change it, if only i could find the magic words or cook the magic dinner, or if I was better, fitter, smarter, the kids were nicer, quieter etc. You get the jist of it. I learned about denial and how it can stop us seeing the truth of our own story, you could be in denial about your circumstances, this may prevent you from seeing the truth. My relationship did not survive, beeing with him means staying under the dark, stormy cloud of denial in order to cope so no I chose the light. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks LC and Tom.
I don't blame A's parents but sometimes I think they blame themselves. I have tried to explain to A that, as parents, we try to guide our children in the right direction. I make mistakes all the time, I am not perfect. We cant change the past, only control the choices we make from here on in. The A needs no specific reason for drinking. A claims work is too stressful. Welcome to the real world. You have choices. You either change jobs, or learn and grow by overcoming obstacles and challenges in all aspects of life.
I set a very powerful boundary yesterday which led to the silent treatment. I became very agitated with comments A made about my kids knowing how to "play me". I carefully gathered my thoughts and was very firm and told A that I no longer required him to condemn my parenting efforts, I was at least trying to do the best that I could. If he had better solutions for me that I would welcome those anytime. I don't like that he tells everyone how terribly behaved my middle child is. He points out all the negativity and does not see the good. There is a balance and no child needs to be constantly scolded for wrongdoing and not given encouragement when they do something positive. You either do both or don't bother at all.
Mari: Just read your last post! Good for you! You validated yourself!!!! You erected a boundary against unsolicited criticism. You stood up for yourself without bashing him. WAY TO GO!!!!!!
