The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So, after enduring four years of living and overly loving a heroin addict, I FINALLY got myself to an Al Anon meeting last night.
No matter how much literature I've read on the disease and codependency, no matter how many therapy sessions I have had with both my therapist and my friends and family, for the first time I feel like It is OK to not worry so much.
The group was supportive and even pulled me aside for a "Beginners meeting". This is where I was able to tell a little bit about myself and why I was there. It was a relief to know that they had the same feelings upon walking into al anon. The same resentment, bitterness, anger, hurt, confusion, and desparation as I was feeling.
It made me stop thinking momentarily about Him for a solid hour and a half. Only about how I had gotten myself to this point of utter chaos, how I have most likely made things more difficult for him by being obsessive and overbearing about trying to make his choices for him.
I was fretting all day about going because that would mean that my Addict would have to skip his meeting to stay home with the kids. The whole drive there I hoped that he wouldn't take advantage of the time away from me and try to score.
When I got home I wasn't sure what to expect from him, he was a bit agitated, maybe because the baby was cranky, or because he didn't attend a meeting, or maybe because he was going through withdrawals. In any case, It didn't matter what kind of mood he was in.
I picked up my "Courage to Change" book and just kept reading until the feeling of wondering what he was feeling surpassed me.
He wasn't going to effect me last night.
And he didn't.
I woke up to an "I love you so much". And I could say without anger and irritation "I love you too".
That's very good news. It sounds like you felt right at home with the fellowship? And reading c2c helped you absorb more of the fellowship's wisdom. Nice example of putting the focus on you and what you can change.
I was so nervous to go the first time. I had a million excuses why I didn't have "time." I thought I could do it alone with just the message board. Let me say the message board did help, and my sponsor is from the board, and it is from the board that I made up my mind to go to a F2F. And once there, I opened my mouth and just let my story come out. There was no judgement, no criticism, just nice people welcoming me. I have only missed one meeting since I joined because I was away. My F2F is another committment I am making to myself for my recovery, fast or slow, doesn't matter. My anger is much less, towards myself as well as my A. I feel happy sometimes! Just give yourself a chance. I read C2C each day. I can have a better life thanks to all this wonderful help. And you can too! Lyne
