I love that saying if nothing changes .. well .. nothing changes .. in seeing the STBAX on Sunday night as weird and intense as that reaction was it really goes to show me how much things in my little world have changed .. my world is not so little. 

Those who are struggling through their own situations and the pain that goes with it .. something I was told last week gave me a huge sense of relief .. while forgiveness is the ultimate goal there is so much more that goes into it for me because I have to forgive myself first and in the throws of the chaos I am in .. it's ok to put that on a shelf for the moment.  I will forgive .. I don't have to make myself do something I'm just not ready to do .. it's not even about the STBAX anymore it's about me .. forgiving myself for allowing this situation and ignoring my own needs, wants, dreams and desires.  Neglecting me because I didn't think I was worthy of the same care I couldn't even give to my STBAX. 

Seeing him Sunday night .. WOW .. I am sooo relieved not to have to live in that situation anymore .. he's a hot mess to say the least and I no longer play a part, .. his mess is his own creation and it's a nasty mess to say the least.  I thought about what I would have been doing 3 weeks ago instead of having a sleep over with my daughters friends I would have had to leave them alone (now this is the old me and what I would think I needed to do) go to the psych ward and wait for the outcome .. now .. it's just no longer my concern.  Maybe that sounds cold and selfish .. I don't know .. I just know I can't fix him. 

I'm currently doing some intensive therapy and this program has helped me move through sooo much crap with the therapy .. it's a behavioral program with the cogitative thinking as well.  HUGE HUGE HUGE .. can't say enough at this point.  Really looking forward to moving through some serious crap.  I'm just ready, ... even the therapist noted .. WOW .. you are serious about this .. umm hell to the yes .. LOL .. nothing changes .. well .. nothing changes and I need things to change in me because I am on my way to way awesome!!  Someday I want to meet someone who can see me for me and I can do the same for them.  Not right now .. I'm so not ready and I'm way to hot to handle with my own mess at the moment.  Divorce is first and foremost .. how do I get the kids through this with the least amount of damage. 

I was struggling at work with someone and I can use my alanon program as well as this new therapy and it's created a wonderful work environment .. it's amusing to watch this woman at work try and bring me down.  Thankfully I don't have to do this forever .. I go to the bookmark .. I can do something today for 12 hours that would appall me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.  Well 4 hours a day plus 12 weeks of full time .. I'm filling my emotional bank account big time .. if that is kept full I sure can take care of me!!!  I miss my friend I had to stop the relationship .. the reality of it is .. it's the best thing I really could have done for us both now that I have time to reflect .. my best healing has taken place right now .. I am not doubting myself and taking the next right step without someone constantly second guessing me .. if I mess up .. well .. so be it .. I can make a different choice the next time.  I really limited my own thoughts based upon what they were thinking and felt .. that's not up to anyone except me.  I have lacked in my meetings and that's ok .. again .. will beef up on those later still working the steps, with my sponsor and now the shrink. 

Anyway, thanks for being here .. love the ESH I read and it finally clicked I only have to do what I'm ready for not anything else.

Hugs P : )