The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm sorry for any mistakes I make with this post. This is my first time here and also the first time I ever talk about my son's problem with someone else.
My son has been battling alcoholism for 8 years now. He's been to rehab twice, tried to commit suicide more times than I dare to remember and every now and then starts drinking again. For these 8 years he was also depressed. He says he isn't sure if he drinks because he is depressed or if he's depressed because he drinks. About 3 years ago he started getting serious about his recovery, which led to him staying sober for 15 months - his record so far. Unfortunately, last November he relapsed again but soon afterwards went back to sobriety. September 2013 will mark his 10th month and I'm so proud of him. Seeing him smiling and making plans for the future, free from depression, makes my day.
However, I live in fear he will become depressed again and drink. He doesn't go to AA meetings or talks about his addiction with anyone. We all have tried to convince him to go to a meeting but he refuses every time. I'm afraid sometimes it all gets a bit too much for him. He is only 27 and started drinking heavily when he was 15 (do I get a Mother Of The Year Award?) so that's the only adulthood he knows. Even after all the hard work he has put into being sober he is always joking about going back to drinking, saying how maybe one drink won't do much damage now that he's not depressed. It scares me he is actually serious about it. It's all I can think about. I want to call him every hour to know where he's at, who he's with, what he's doing. I just feel sometimes that it's my fault he started drinking so young and became an alcoholic. In our cultures, it is normal to give a sip of wine to kids on special occasions. Or maybe I shouldn't let him stay out so late with his friends? Maybe I should have paid more attention to what he was doing?
I'm just ranting at this point but I needed to share this, sorry.
Hi yvettek and welcome to the forum. You will find much experience, strength, and hope here. I too am a mother of an AS (34 yr old) so I understand how you feel. One thing to remember - IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
* You didn't cause it
* You can't control it
* You can't cure it
My son has been hospitalized several times, has been in rehab and sober living. The longest he has stayed sober is 1 year. He also suffers from anxiety and depression for which he's recently been treated. He was doing well - taking his meds, staying sober, going to meetings and therapy sessions. Just last week he relapsed. He had been really down on himself; between jobs. He checked himself into the hospital and was released after 2 days as he promised to go to intensive therapy. I spoke to him last friday and he seemed fine (not drunk). He was supposed to come over the next day to pick up his cellphone which is at my house. Well he never showed up and I haven't heard from him since. I am very worried about him but realize there's nothing I can do. I did send him an email saying that I will never give up on him - that I am 100% in support of his recovery but I can't do the work for him. I offered words of encouragement and told him I love him. I'm hoping he read it.
I would suggest you attend Al-Anon meetings. They are of great help.
Yvettek: I too have a son he is 21 now he started with his drug addiction at 13.. We as mothers have done nothing wrong. Yes in our culture we too were given a sip of wine but myself and brothers and sisters all turned out good with careers. So with that said I will go on: his choice was never alcohol it has always been drugs. I raised him pretty much on my own, his father walked out on me a week after he my son was born ( he chose his drugs over me) but he never looked back and my son suffered from having an absent parent. I worked so hard to not have to depend on my parents at the age of 17. I was mom and dad to my son. As I found out about his drug use I thought grounding him and ripping him a new you know what would make him stop. Lol !! It only got worse behind my back. Later as he was getting older he got involved in lots of sports I thought "great this will keep him active and busy and in shape" NO !! The drug use stopped for a minute and then in high school it escalated badly.. Well I pulled him out of school his sophomore year and sent him to a 30 day rehab in San Francisco. I knew in my heart that I needed a piece of mind just to figure out my next step with him, that bought me time but costed me 5 k. Well at this time he was I believe 15 years old. When he came home he got involved in church all in his own , got himself a job and workout hours a day at the gym. He looked great and was being so responsible. Well he soon met a girl.. That was when all the lights dimmed!!! He was now 18 years of age and they were together for almost 2 years. This little girl did everything she could to make him out to be some one else and in all honesty it drive him to numbing all his depression!! They split up a little over a year ago and she has his child. My son at 20 was a full blown herion addict and destroyed myself and my family and his own family and his life got so dark.. He is now 21 in rehab 4 months clean today. I am very proud of him and support his sobriety, he now wants to be a youth minister and is going back to court to fight for his father rights which he never lost he just stopped going because he admitted himself in a Christian base rehab. I admit I too was always wanting to know his every move and wanted to know who all he was with and I even checked on all his calls he made. But let me tell you that pushed my son more towards drugs. Because I was already projecting and he just made it all come true. I see him now very close to god and how his willingness to change his life. I just started on my recovery and all I can say to my son now is I'm here and I love you but I will not allow me to get sick with you again. Because of his addiction and my sleepless nights and loss of appetite I ended up in the hospital, but that did not even stop him from using. It has to be there decision.. My son went into the 2 Nd program he said just to shut me up but he lasted 2 days and left the program and from there he was running a muck on the streets until I found him. I truly believe he thought it was all fun and games. Because I was there everytime he got into trouble or everytime he was hospitalized. I never allowed my son to at least get close to his rock bottom until this final time and it killed me but I told him to leave and he did 4 months go today on a Thursday he relapsed so hard I for sure thought this drug is going to kill him today but at 11 pm as drugged up as he was he asked for help now and I called his Sponser and he has been clean and in rehab 4 months today. There is hope I want you to know and you are not alone. I have you and your son in prayers :)
Aloha Yvettek and welcome to the board. Your answer to the question on drinking and depression comes from my college studies. Alcohol is a chemical depressant...for me it's number two. Alcoholics don't drink because they have problems...they have problems because they drink.
The hotline number for The Al-Anon Family Groups is in the white pages of your local telephone book...call that number as soon as you can and get to the earliest group you can. Find out where we get together to support and be supported by others.
Keep coming back here also...often.
Your son is dry possibly...With AA's help he can get sober and then if he won't go...he won't go. If nothing changes...nothing changes. At least you can do something for yourself.
Welcome to MIP. My adult son is currently dry to my knowledge. Living life for myself and not for him has been an on-going learning adventure. I didn't give my children any sips of any alcoholic beverages, drug them both to Al-a-tot and Al-a-teen, stayed in recovery myself since 1979 and both have issues although my son is the one who has been most badly affected by this disease. Even with recovery, I have no power to control, cause or cure this disease. Blame, guilt and shame are part of our disease. Recovery helps us think differently about ourselves, our lives, and our adult children. We simply aren't the reason they drink or don't drink. We are the people who have also been affected by this disease and to my way of thinking, the most loving thing we can do for our adult kids is take loving care of ourselves by working our program and leaving them free to do what they will with their lives, their issues, their disease. They will anyway - no matter how hard we work to try to change them, heal them, or help them recover. Both my kids tell me how much I've changed. My AS didn't like it at first and now notices that my recovery has made a difference that he sees to be positive. Of course, I don't need my kids' validation of my recovery program, but I notice that learning to live and let live has certainly helped me let go and let God do what I can't do. I'm just not my kids' HP.
Keep coming back. There is much love and wisdom here for the taking.
