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I generally stay disengaged. Do not communicate for the most part and with the order for supervised visitation he has done nothing for months...and then...it starts again. He goes for 3-4 months of quiet and leaving me alone and not harassing our child and then back at it. I tell myself - you can't be rational with an irrational person; he purposely says and does things to get a reaction so don't give him one; do what's best for our daughter, etc, etc, etc. BUT it gets annoying, irritating, overwhelming and it's just crazy behavior that I don't even want to deal with anymore.
His latest is that I am harassing him by sending junk mail to him and I need to leave him and his girlfriend alone. Um, junk mail? To the point it's been brought to and kicked out of mediation; the police he made a complaint to refused to do anything about it and now he's hired an attorney to sue me for harassment. Like I have the time and money for more court BS. I am not sending him junk mail. Junk mail! For crying out loud!
His other claims to the attorney are: He has blocked my numbers from calling him because I harass him (I called his new cell number twice - to ask about child support and medical reimbursements, politely! because I am now my own attorney and didn't want to go back to court for contempt on him AGAIN and he refused to answer the phone or respond and instead told his boss I was harassing him and had my number blocked. But, I had to call and make the attempt prior to going to court. I am now having his wages garnished - at least while he has this job - which should end the support payment issues.) or the other one time I called him to ask that he not call our child drunk at 10:00 at night and upset her he said I harassed him and hung up on me. He has been told by the therapist - our child's therapist - not to call her drunk! These calls, 3, were made over the course of 3 months...
Lastly, visitation. He wants unsupervised visitation but has done no visitation with our daughter in 10 months not including the 4 therapist visits they had together. He doesn't like her therapist - but that's because she won't pussyfoot around the issues in their relationship stem from his abuse and addiction problems.
So, now I have to go to court AGAIN for all this crap AGAIN. It is never ending. It is stressful. It is irritating as hell. I have no money for an attorney. I want this to end! No matter how I try to cope there are just days it isn't enough. No amount of therapy for me; Alanon F2F; exercise; friend time; or praying is going to make this stop. He told me he won't stop ever. So, if you have been through something similar - and spending all your time in court over stupid addict nonsense - were you able to get it to stop? I'm ready to request a psych evaluation on him...I'm so tired of this all. I just want to be left alone. I don't understand why he can't just leave me alone.
Okay, so that was one hell of a rant...
-- Edited by abbyalana on Tuesday 10th of September 2013 11:49:23 AM
Boy oh boy do i know this kind of rollercoaster. What i have done to try to stay sane are exactly what you are doing. Talk and write out the fear, the anger, the crazy with safe people. I finally found the key to coping with the constant bullying (these harassment charges are bullying) and accusations was this parable about the whirling dervishes my sponsor taught me. There was a famous holy one who lived far out in the desert and a man seeking enlightenment walked for days in the heat to find him. Finally he saw dust clouds in the distance and when he got closer he found that there were hundreds of people whirling feverishly around the holy one who sat calmy meditating in the middle of them. The seeker asked 'how can you stay so calm and meditative in the midst of all these crazy whirling dervishes.' The holy one replied 'I let them whirl."
So everytime I'm surrounded by chaos, frenzied emotions and people, i retreat to my own inner peace and simply let those people, obsessive thoughts and feelings whirl. i dont have to engage or participate.
in your case, however, there is another element that concerns me and that is the abuse. I was told that this kind of behavior is not just attempts to harass. it can turn dangerous in a nanosecond when the controlee (me) stops entering the dance and the A freaks out because i wouldnt engage. i learned to find some place me and my son could go that the A couldnt find us right away, if necessary. Then when I had to go to court, i asked for a psych evaluation of all concerned and a restraining order to prevent the calls at night and that he cant come within X number of feet, yards, blocks whatever of the house, or of me or my son so if he did i had a basis for the police to do something. Then I ddnt answer the phone or the door or call him ever..there were no emails or texts back then.. when he tried to suck me back into the dance. i kept a diary of every nutso thing he did in simple, concise language date, time etc. for when we had to go back to court. And when he came to the house after we had the order from the court, i called the police. This kind of thing i learned can turn very bad, very fast and i needed to do whatever was necessary to protect me and my son. Fortunately, when i stopped dancing to his tune and he realized he couldnt control me anymore he started to back off but neither you nor your daughter need accept unacceptable behavior. its hard and scary and crazy-making but just let him whirl. He might drill himself a hole in the desert he cant get out of.
p.s. i dont know your daughter's age, but this stuff can really impact children. my therapist told me my son wasnt stupid he would get older and realize the truth from the propaganda if i didnt badmouth his father but i kept him in therapy most of the time until he turned 16 and the court would let him choose to see his dad or not. When he turned 18 i never had to communicate with the A again.
