The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Based on my recent split, I realized the verbose email I penned to my ex was an attempt to control the situation. If I pan back and look at the times we have reconciled, with the exception of ONE, I have always been the one who has tried to write something eloquent, accepted the blame (many times it was legitimately mine) and sent it. It was well received and we made up. We were friends for many years and recently became romantically involved.
Still, the email was a control method. My attempt to make another person contact me and reconcile with me. Hmm... we split because I was physically closed off and he felt like I wasn't "taking a chance". Rejection is rejection. I am not sure why emailing him a week later telling him I was willing to take that chance and having done NOTHING different other than pine and obsess, seemed like a good idea at the time.
I co-signed on that confusion and chaos that I created, because I desperately wanted to find love and validation without loving myself first. So, just for today I will work on me. I will understand that I cannot have a meaningful partnership with another person until I know that I lovable, worthy and deserving and honor, love and respect myself.
Now that is a healthy, honest, and humbling share. I applaud you for both the courage to be honest with us (and particularly yourself), and even moreso for the wisdom to NOT send the e-mail.
I wish I had more wisdom for you, but I am struggling with some of the same things, albeit from the other side of the equation. I put up walls, to not allow anyone "too close", as I most likely have a fear that if anyone were to see the "real me", they wouldn't like what they see. As you have pointed out, the basis of this belief has to be because I don't like what I see there.
Thanks
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I think that is in essence what my answer is - my recovery truly boils down to - loving the real me, so I can be in a healthier position to be the 50% in a healthy relationship. I don't know what one looks like right now.
Over the weekend, a friend's fiance made a really rude comment to me. I said something along the lines of "Maybe he thought he could do better; find someone easier, with less baggage." The guy agreed and made a comment that I did have alot of "Stuff".
This immediately triggered shame in me and I began to understand that this comment was meant to encourage me to "Deal with my stuff", but that it really hit me in the sorest spot possible. The world is filled with people who hate themselves and will never face it, they hurt others and walk around hating the world. I don't want to be that person. I'm not damaged. I might feel broken, but some of the things that happened to me in my life were not things I asked for and were times when I TRULY was a victim.
I went to a meeting that night and I was angry. I stay sick when I reject the dark parts of me that feel ugly and vulnerable. Truly courage and strength comes from going inward and learning who you are and getting to know yourself and OWNING your story, however dysfunctional it may seem to others. Some of hte most beautiful people I know have risen like phoenixes upwards from ashes, pasts that on paper invite judgment and shame. I have to believe that what I've been through is part of who I am and that this will eventually touch others to let them know they are not alone and give them hope.
The reason we split originally was because I was like you, I wouldn't let anyone in. I was afraid I'd be consumed by that person because I wouldn't know how to have good boundaries. I was right.
I do not always love who I was, but thanks to Alanon and my HP, I am in the process of loving who I am today. If I'm not too crazy about me today, I can start the day over at any time. I am learning that it is easier for me to become vulnerable when I am able speak from my heart and be true to myself. ODAT
Thank you, your post helped me a lot today. Just for today I am going to follow your example and step back and allow my own situation to unfold in HP's time not in my forced time. This is huge as I do love to force my own will on those around me, will just keep trying thank God for this site. Hugs and it sounds like you are doing well with stepping back from the situation and letting it resolve in its own time and space. Not easy.
Thanks for sharing with us, this brings me to think of my own story now, and what Tom said, also sounds so familiar. It's a corner of my personality I haven't dared to look at closely yet. work in progress.
GREAT for not sending that email, i know the feeling.
big hug going out to you.
