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Sounds like your dad's exhibiting immaturity, insecurity and envy. I don't think these are dry drunk behaviors. We alanons can have these behaviors at times too. It's the dis - ease. It's not being at peace, comfortable in your own skin and annoyance that someone else is acheiving it in that moment. Since you feel your dad's usually patient - this might be nothing more than a temporary setback due to some feelings of his own he is having trouble working through. If thats what's going on, it's still isn't right to dump it on you.
What I do know as an ACOA, I found myself using the same shaming behavior pattern and language of my parents until I chose to work on that defect. Early in recovery when this happened, I would feel ashamed of myself after shaming you and embarrassed that I had acted the way I had. I would think oh my god, did I say that? It left me feeling awful and I felt I'd deserved to feel awful considering my behavior. It was time to stop spinning in circles, acting out and time to get to work on myself.
In my mind, I felt unhappy, unlovable and unworthy. The arrogance and self righteousness was suppose to be a cover for that. Thank goodness Alanon gave me a safe place to share my vulnerabilities and tools to make healthy changes in myself. I can't be sure of course but I think when my father treated me this way, it was because he thought I was better than him and he felt somehow as the parent he was suppose to be better than me. Something happened to him though. I think he had a spriritual awakening. I never asked him but I knew he was a very religious man and in the last fifteen years of his life he stopped drinking without a program and he made an incredible effort to treat himself, my mother and his children with love and respect. I understood it to be amends through changed behavior. He never said he was sorry and I never asked him why he'd done the things he'd done. I'd done my share of going toe to toe with him too. I never said I was sorry, I made my amends through changed behavior toward him. It wasn't until he was dying in the hospital that I found the courage to tell him I loved him (we never said it in my family). He didn't say it but it didn't matter... I knew he did.
I hope you get to talk things out with your dad. Just a suggestion, if you're gentle and mention that he isn't always like that and you are wondering if something is upsetting him right now and that his behavior hurt you, maybe he will open up to you or at least stop doing it. If he continues, you can think about setting a boundary with him in the future and what that might look like. Thanks for sharing. I hope you get it worked out. TT
-- Edited by tiredtonite on Sunday 8th of September 2013 10:22:05 PM
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
So, I'm watching the behavior of my dad who I'm so blessed to just observe right now without judging. I'm watching the moods switch; the feisty behaviors; the way I look to me first as if somehow it's suggested I'm the problem and I watch how quick I am to catch myself today and realize I am Not His problem .. but I am still watching how Even when I am at peace, with joy, serenity, his change in behavior.. Almost like the past addict in my life: When I was happy, he became more irritable. My dad doesn't do this All the time but I recognize during the times I feel the most secure with my higher power, the more uneasy he becomes (sometimes) .. he is usually a very patient man so seeing this is sort of throwing me off .. I see his shame (acting as if there is something wrong with Me .. shaming me basically for being me, especially when i'm feeling the joyful light play etc.. ) I'm just kinda observing today and going .. why does this happen ? I see it clear with the addict, piecing the twos behaviors together. why do they do this ? how does it effect me or rather why is it effecting me .. less today but still .. I think I know but feedback would be appreciated .. It's so hidden at times and others so clear but would like to expand with others wisdom, insights, experiences before looking to my own. If any of you are willing to share, please do. there is no drinking with my dad; coffee only but he periodically very much possesses dry drunk behaviors .. They don't effect me to the degree they used to but still they do at times .. today i just happen to be at peace with hp .. Thanks
Hi, Me. Just a little of my own experience. As a kid, my only mirrors of how I was doing or not doing basically was reflected back to me by the looks on my parents' faces who weren't drinkers and other authority figures. At about 8, my life changed from being a child who knew she was loved to a child who got squashed by the increasing stresses and responsibilities of my parents and the huge family they parented. I was also in a classroom of about 40 other children - all with needs to meet and 1 teacher. I could feel a change and I didn't understand it in my family. Thought I'd done something wrong. So, I was often trying to regain their love, approval and appreciation which I gauged by the looks on their faces. If teachers who I was attempting to please seemed displeased or pleased with me, it reinforced the belief that I had power to gain their love, approval or appreciation and lose it, too. I was a sensitive kid who loved people - especially older people due to the formative years prior to 8, so this was an easy if not childish belief to develop and to nurture. I wasn't a rebel. I didn't fear authority. I did care what they thought of me.
When I got older, I realized I didn't need it. Recovery work helped me learn that although that doesn't mean I still don't fall back into that little girl behavior when I see positive or negative facial expressions looking at me when I'm stressed, feeling uncertain, or forgetting to validate myself. Learning that even somebody else's facial expression has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them and how they're thinking or feeling is something I still have to practice, practice, practice. But, it all got started in me as a kid when I was totally dependent on adults to survive.
Ty for this .. I want to keep hearing what everyone has to say .. this makes sense .. I recognize he only does this when the rest of the family comes along; I do understand that he is then Also effected by adult children. I will think about.. I wish I could stay here all night but i'll be back to this computer tomorrow again .. so I hope to read others inputs.. Thank you so much for taking time .. I can relate to all of this !
