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If it were me, I would let him have the dignity of finding his way out of this. He made choices to be sick, now he can choose to get well...this is between him and his higher power. For you, al anon recovery work will help you to lovingly detach from your brother's behavior. There are online meetings you can get involved with through this forum and so many posts you can read that will give you ESH (experience, strength and hope). (((hugs)))
-- Edited by PP on Sunday 8th of September 2013 02:19:30 PM
My brother is currently gone 5 days drinking straight, hasn't gone to work, hasn't eaten, hasn't showered, is not answering his kids calls......he is holed up in his house...just drinking...this will be the 5th time he has done this....and lost alot, and regained alot...about to lose it all again....the last few times I have taken him to rehab/detox which led to his sobriety....he has been sober over a year now....should I go to him now and take him again? or let him make this decision?
My son does this about every other month and in the past I have gone and taken him to the hospital then detox where he could get better enough to decide he was going to stop drinking. This went on for 4 years only for him to return to drinking. I'm what you call the big enabler.
I finally stop trying to help him because I learned I didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. I can only pray that someday my son will get sick and tired enough to make a decision to stop on his own and go into recovery. I will give him that respect and let go Let God have him now.
It's not easy to let go but with the help of Al-anon and MIP I'm getting some sanity and happiness back into my life again.
(((( shanb1970 )))) keep coming back because you are not alone here and there are many that have great ESH for you.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
If it were me, I would let him have the dignity of finding his way out of this. He made choices to be sick, now he can choose to get well...this is between him and his higher power. For you, al anon recovery work will help you to lovingly detach from your brother's behavior. There are online meetings you can get involved with through this forum and so many posts you can read that will give you ESH (experience, strength and hope). (((hugs)))
-- Edited by PP on Sunday 8th of September 2013 02:19:30 PM
I agree w/Paula here....it won't mean a thing unless it comes from HIM.....I have TWO addict bros...1 just booze...the other drugs and booze.....I leave them alone....I let them suffer the consequences b/c that is the ONLY hope they will reach out and seek ehlp....THEY have to do it...if we keep enabling them, they will never "see the handwriting on the wall" my brothers are very popular...charmers...people enable them.....I have to stay out of it....as the serenity prayers says, and "please give me the courage to change the things I CAN" and that means, really, I can only change ME...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you all for the advice....and I will let him make his own decision to get better....it hurts sooo much...I worry soo much...trying not too, but just can't help it...praying to God he finds his way...
It does hurt...hurts like heck and I am so sorry for you and your family. Al anon promises you can be in serenity no matter how much chaos your loved ones create...come here and we will listen to your pain and help you lessen the chaos. Find support through a local al anon meeting...magic happens when you find your chair.
This is my first time reaching out to a group or online support....I am a drinker...I have abused alcohol...but..I function...I do not do what my brother does...give up on ALL responsibilities...I am what they call a FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC....I drink 3-4 times a week...as I get older...my drinking is more controlled...meaning, I'm not up til 4am drinking...I am no better I suppose..but I am responsible...I go to work, I love my son..I pay my bills...I'm a person of my word....I love my family..I'm there...maybe I'm a social drinker?..IDK...all I know is that my brother is sooo sick ....I just want to call him...but he won't answer...I just want to go to him...but he will only get mad at me.....he said to me the other day "OMG Shannon, stop worrying about me!"...so I told him I would...but I'm not
I have an alcoholic son who has done this same thing countless times. Mom would always come to the rescue. After attending Al-Anon meetings and coming here to MIP, I have learned I was not doing him any favors. Just keeping him longer in his disease.
Yes, it hurts me a lot and it's scary, but HE has to really want recovery in order for him to change. No one can do it for them. We can only control our own behaviors.
If I don't go there and try to get him to the hospital I'm afraid he will drink himself to death.....He cannot think for himself..he is that sick....I feel I need to go there tomorrow morn and ask him if he is ready to go to detox/rehab....if he argues with me, I am leaving.....but I just cannot sit by and watch him drink himself to death....the consequences of him doing that are greater than his own self.....I love my family and my nephews...(his sons) too much to sit by and watch him die....
I am learning that when I am more concerned about my sons life than he is, things are out of balance. My son is sick, he has a disease that I did not cause and cannot cure or control. These are very hard truths to face. He is loaded and I am literally worried sick. He takes the drug but I cannot function due to my enormous fears! It's as if he takes poison and I get sick!
I agree with calling 911. It may help put a loving detachment in place. Getting free from the entanglement has been a daily struggle for me. I love my son so much and would do anything to help him stop using...but I cannot help him stop. Only he can get sick and tired of being sick and tired. I wish I could do it for him. But I cannot. I am powerless over him.
I thank God that I can pray, and turn him over to one greater than myself. I pray I also learn to take care if myself. I am focused so much on my son that I find I don't really take good care of me!
I hope all the support you find here helps. It has also helped me to attend meetings and to begin working my steps.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Shanb: Hi. Welcome to MIP. Since you're received E/S/H in regard to your brother, I'd like to address your other concern that you mentioned. I note you might be questioning whether or not you have a problem with alcohol or if you're a social drinker? At the AA site on this board, they can help provide you with a list of questions to help you identify whether or not you have the disease of alcoholism. The sooner you know the answer, the sooner you can get treatment for it before the disease has progressed more severely for you or to relax with the knowledge that your discomfort can best be addressed in Al-Anon. Lots of encouragement and support for you as you do what you can to recover from the affects of this disease as we are doing here. This disease is so cunning, baffling and powerful, without help it continues to progress in us and in our loved ones. The best way to get help for our loved ones is to get help for ourselves. We didn't cause the disease. We can't control the disease. We can't cure the disease. We can get help by working a good recovery program with others who have chosen to arrest its progression in AA, Al-Anon, Alateen, and any other healthy means of support our HP suggests.
This is called Binge drinking. I have known people who did it. They will drink until they pass out, wake up and drink more and keep doing it for several days. IT['s not pleasant to watch. Take care of yourself and try not to get wrapped up in his actions.
My brother is still holed up in his house drinking....he has still not gone to work or answered his sons calls...we have all decided to not enable and go there to get him to rehab...his sponsor even said that we should all stay away...I'm praying that he wakes up and realizes before it's too late.
My son is a binge drinker. He will go up to two weeks before he wakes up enough to call 911 or somebody else to get him to the hospital. When he can't stop vomiting and usually falls on his face and smashes it....then maybe a seizure....he gets scared enough to call. I would go every time he called when about a year ago he called sick and thought he was going to die.....I said NO I will not come. I said if your that bad son you know the drill...it's your turn to make the call. He did and he does it every time now. I will not take him to the hospital or detox. I will not pick him up. I will not visit him I will not do anything. He usually calls when he's sober enough and on medication for the seizures. He said that's it..I'm done. Go's to AA a few times and get a sponsor. Then it starts all over again.
It's sad but I can't control or fix it...I can only hope someday his drinking will scare him enough to seek help. I will pray that his HP keeps him alive. That's all I can do
His sponsor is his best friend. He know like nobody else what is happening.
Let go Let God
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
I just bawled my eyes out on your post.........because you are so right.....it hurts like fucking hell....but this is the first time I have not helped...this is the first time I realized I have enabled him....and since I have been calling our 73yrd old father to keep him updated that my brother is still alive...and telling our father that we CANNOT go there to take him to rehab...it's killing us all...I have been an emotional wreck, as has my father for the last 4 days....and I am SOOOOO PISSED OFF AT HIM I COULD STRANGLE HIM!- and at the same time I cry, and understand it's a disease......
It does get easier for me each and every time it happens. One time his landlord found him pretty bad and called 911. Also his sponsor went to see him, but I will never go to him again and try and rescue. I love my son so I will continue to have the courage to change and hopefully he will realize he also needs to change.
It's very scary and the fear can disable you but if nothing changes nothing changes. I will make the change because I will not live this way anymore....good or bad. I will continue to take care of me to keep me sane. I've come to finally except " I'm powerless over alcohol " I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
I pray my son will see the light someday. Might have to be a deaths door before he comes to terns " He is powerless over alcohol"
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
You have been very helpful to me and my father....I told him what you said...as did everyone else's comments....we have not gone to him at ALL...he is still holed up in his house....his fiancee has been staying with her cousin....his sponsor suggested we do not go there at all....this will be the first time we didn't step in and suggest and or make him go to rehab.....today is a week of his binge drinking....and I'm sure he has lost yet ANOTHER JOB...the first career he lost was as a police officer for the city....then 2 jobs after that...now this one he has been on a waiting list for 2 yrs....union job...Dupont....$18 an hr...GONE.....I just cannot UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL!!!- not to mention he lost a marriage and the respect of his children.....but I feel better today....I felt the ESH and I let it go!....like you said, not my fault....not my problem...of course I still worry if he's alive...but his fiancee goes to the house for a few min's a day to get her mail and let the dogs out..so I know he's not dead......still WAITING to see if he seeks the help his needs......
So my brother is still holed up in his house...drinking...going on 2 weeks now....he has dead bolted the door so his fiancee cannot get in to even get her clothes....he is writing bad checks to get alchohol...which his fiancee...now EX has pressed charges....waiting on a warrant for his arrest...his EX-Wife is going to issue a warrant for failure to pay child support because he lost ANOTHER JOB.....and I am just in a state of bewilderment on how he can allow this to happen to him again....It's getting easier to just let it go....I will say that....but I still just cannot believe he is doing this to himself yet again....I don't think I will EVER understand the severity of his alcoholism... I know I am powerless to help him...It is just so damn sad and disgusting at the same time.....I wake up at night and have to force myself to not think of him to get back to sleep....I go through my days trying to push the hurt I feel for him out of my mind.....It has taken a toll on my relationship due to my moods....and my sadness....but today was a better day....
