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My 19 year old son came around a few weeks ago...he sounded great! He was his old self, not using (no program) and it gave me hope! Then he got with some old friends slid there we go. He really wants to stop....but he's just not ready yet. He wants to go back to school and go into the navy, but this weekend I found out he partied his tush off and is just so out there. He keeps saying that when he moves in next week to start school he's going to go to meetings and get clean! I WANT to believe that...
but reality says stop! So I'm going to tell him to find recovery (he has NO trouble finding drugs or parties!) and let me know when he's in recovery. THEN, we can look at those options. (School etc).
My stomach is horribly Upset. I'm tired, I'm scared. I found a meeting out here and will keep going, and doing my step work. Step 1-I am powerless over this. That is a very difficult truth to face! Scared.
God help us.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Good for you. Meetings, step work, realizing your powerlessness and willingness to believe what you see and not what you hear today. Recovery work at work. As a Mom myself, I understand that fear and discomfort when I've let go of trying to change my A and work on my recovery instead. My experience has been that God does help us through the Al-anon program and member to member fellowship. Thanks for sharing. Much support and encouragement for you and prayers for you and your son and the rest of your family, too.
I agree with grateful....your doing the next right thing for your son. I'm learning very fast that the love and support I can give my son is to let him find his way and give him the respect to do so.
In the mean time is to take care of my problems and fear.
Prayers for your and your son....
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
If I were you, I would detach from thinking about him recovery or not recovery, using or not using, he is gonna do what hes gonna do....U R powerless..that is right....steps 1,2,3 are in the focus here.....Let his Sustained good ACTION impress you...Works in a non program AA or NA mean ZERO......if he wants to get healing, he will reach out...if not??? There is nothing you can do....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Good for you sticking to your guns. As a mother of an active A who invited her back (Twice!!!), I know how hard this is for you. Keep going to the meetings and I hope you have a sponsor to lean on during these moments of self doubt. You are not alone in this.
I also allowed my son to move in with me two or three times. It backfired two or three times. Things worked for about 2 or 3 weeks. He became more and more demanding and less and less willing to work his program or take care of his own responsibilities. Seemed to think my house was his, my time needed to be spent driving him around, that he was above the law, and boundaries were meant to be walked over. Muscle bound and physically more powerful than me with disease progression, he became more erratic and godlike in his thinking and physically threatening. Sad, but true. I didn't want to live with him. I wanted peace in my own home without the constant upheaval of a non-recovering man - son or not - in my home. Although he did well in the beginning with AA/NA, he relapsed several years ago and hasn't returned to any kind of recovery program even though the disease has drug him through the wringer. His choice. My choice is to continue my recovery work in Al-Anon and detach physically from him to stay out of HP's way and to keep myself out of situations I don't want to be in with him. Live and let live has become my mantra without cutting myself off from my son. We talk via phone once or twice a week. Not at all when he starts using in increasing amounts. I would love to be closer to him and I've learned that won't work. I've learned to live with less in relationship to my son than I'd like to experience. Works for me.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 9th of September 2013 06:04:12 AM
The hardest part is the second guessing. Am I doing the right thing....etc.
the what ifs....
But I keep reminding myself that he is very resourceful, he finds the drugs, gets to the parties and finds a way to do the things he wants to do. That means if he WANTS to get sober he could figure it out! He keeps saying when he moves in he's going to go to meetings so he can stay clean and finish school, but these last two weeks while I was preparing he has done nothing but party. He acts like its his last hurrah since he's going to have to quit. But I see it as he really is not ready.
If he were ready wouldn't he start now ( over the past two weeks) to change something?
I don't believe in geographical cures! He may last a week or so, but then what? Will his 'friends' come in and rob us like they did his dad? He told me that a few of his friends I like don't do drugs, but I found out this past few weeks that he lied about that.
Urg. I hate the second guessing. I need to let go and let God!
Thank you all for taking the time to offer support!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Can't sleep. Worried. One of his 'friends' called earlier. I did not answer because this friend keeps wanting me to take him in. He just got kicked out of his home for violence and drugs. I wanted to answer so that I could possibly learn how my son is doing....
But I did not.
So, I'm worried. My son is doing really stupid things.
I want to sleep, but my mind won't settle! God, help.
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
Hi, Katy. Now you know that you did the right thing for you in not letting him move back in. My experience in relationship to my son helped me learn to stay out of the drama and the crazy-making choices that he made. There was nothing I could do to help him. He was going to do what he did until he didn't want it anymore. I needed to do what I needed to do for me because I didn't want to be drug through the mud with him. Our job is to stay in the light of recovery as a beacon of hope if our loved ones choose it. It is not our job to go into the darkness with them to try to pull them out. It won't work in my experience.
I also received advice from enabling gfs who got burned as all will do when in relationship with an active A/addict. They had all sorts of ideas on how I should "mother my son" and "take him in." I suggested Al-Anon for them. I also upped my meetings, sponsor calls and fellowship time with members. That helped me stay in the light and get the help to do that with people in recovery.
Sometimes things have to worsen before they can get better.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 11th of September 2013 10:08:07 AM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 11th of September 2013 10:10:19 AM
I too worried about my son when I didn't know where he was. I too was making myself sick and couldn't sleep. I had to give myself peace. I looked for him and I found him. I had to do it for me. When I knew where he was I didn't talk to him but I was at peace he was still alive. I know I can't keep doing this but this is what I did. It's a learning process for me, so I learn and move on. I will continue to learn to detach, love and pray for my courage to change.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Cathy, I hear your pain because it sounds like mine. I agree that we need to let go. It's so hard with a child! It goes against every natural fiber in a mother! I have been reading the book that was suggested about boundries with our adult children and am facing my part in this. My part is my mothering....or smothering! My family kept telling me I was too easy on my son. I always took up for him when he got in trouble. I was more worried about building his self esteem than anything else. If my husband got mad at him for not doing his chores I fought with my husband! My part. My part, I think, keeps me heavily connected to him in a way that is unhealthy. I love what grateful said ITS NOT OUR JOB TO GO INTO THE DARKNESS WITH THEM TO PULL THEM OUT! Part of that darkness for me was not sleeping. My son, most likely- was out partying all night yet I am the one awake!!! Cathy, I pray we find that place of serenity where we can truly lay our heads on our HP's promises and sleep in peace no matter what.
Thank you both for your responses. I love that I have a place to turn at any hour!
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More of LET GO & LET GOD, Less of GRAB ON & LET ME!
