The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is the first time I am posting something on this forum. My name is Lisa, I just turned 23 a couple of days ago and I am a child of alcoholics. My boyfriend of a year is also an alcoholic in recovery but has been sober on and off this past year. Currently he is sober and attending AA meetings. The last time he tried to be sober he lasted almost 90 days. The longest he was ever sober was 10 months. But, during this time period, I was attending an alanon meeting every week. After a couple of weeks, I wasn't able to attend my meeting because I had conflicts with the day. I tried to go to other meetings and people from Alanon tried to reach out to me but I couldn't help but feel very distant towards everyone. This is the first time I am trying the online alanon approach. I wanted to have hope during this hard time and I wanted to change but apart of me just wanted to isolate and be alone and I shut everyone out... including my recovering boyfriend. He eventually relapsed and although I know I didn't force him to relapse... I feel like I wasn't being very supportive of him during this time. The past is in the past I get it...but I almost lost my boyfriend this summer because of this last relapse. After a month of drinking and doing other kinds of substance abuses...he ended up being sent to the emergency room for overdose. They say that many alcoholics need to hit rock bottom and I feel that this was his rock bottom for his newest reason to find sobriety.
Now that he is 34 days sober...I feel that I have been slacking on my part. I guess I'm still in that denial stage where I am unsure I really need program...maybe my (co-dependent) problems will disappear on their own lol. Maybe my problems are age related? who knows?. Clearly I am in some denial. I guess I've just been so busy with my career to really focus on me. I am a pre-school teacher and a full time grad student. I don't really have a lot of time on my hands to focus on myself or meetings. I know that my life can sometimes be pretty unmanageable...and I know that I can get very needy. codependent, and jealous...but I have no idea how to fix these issues. I don't want to be this person....and sometimes I hate these character defects and I wish I could erase them forever. I wish I had something to push me to know I need changes. I wish I had role models in my life whom I can admire...that have a lifestyle that I want to have some day. I notice that majority of the people in my life have addiction problems whether its substance abuse or alcohol abuse. Its hard for me to picture how my life will be because I want instant gratification. Rome wasn't built in a day...but I want to make myself proud.
I guess what pushed me to really write on this forum is what my boyfriend told me tonight....he said that maybe there is no hope for our relationship because people in AA say that two "sickies" don't make a "wellie"...is that a true statement? Could there really be no hope for someone in AA recovery and Alanon recovery to get well together? I need some opinions....because I'm pretty skeptical about that.
Of course it's possible for a relationship to endure. But it wont be you guys getting "well together." It will be each of you getting well on your own and then being healthier together as a part of it. That is really what your boyfriend's AA comment means. I take it to mean more that each of you needs to recover on your own primarily and that neither one of you can get the other one where they need to be. It's not a pronouncement about the relationship as much as it is a warning about how to work recovery.
Much of going to actual face to face alanon is important because it connects you to a support network that literally breaks that pattern of expecting your BF to meet needs of yours that he can't or is currently unable to and it helps you see options, remain hopeful, and not repeat the same patterns again and again.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! I am thrilled to hear that your boyfriend is getting sober in AA! I would really like to suggest that even though you are young, have an awesome career and going to grad school, so very proud of you for all of those great accomplishments but please put Al-Anon f2f meetings at the top of that list as well:) That is where your life will become complete along with your other accomplishments. If your boyfriend has hit his bottom you both have the opportunity to learn how to live the recovery way separately and yet together:) and if he hasn't you will be in Al-Anon learning how to detach without all the fear and jealousy, Ask your higher power to help you let go in meetings so you can be filled with all that we have to offer. You will find that special lady to ask to be your sponsor, she will be the key to unlearning the messages from your alcoholic childhood and relearning the good things that are so important to have a Happy, Joyous & Free life!:)
Welcome to the board..you have already had some great responses. Kudos to you for even asking the questions! You do have a busy life. ..let me ask you this, if you had cancer would you seek treatment now or would you wait until you weren't so busy (busy never goes away)? Treatment might save your life. Recovery is like treatment for cancer, and, if you work it, it will help to heal your life. Due to the disease, you have developed some known/unknown behaviors that will continue to make your life miserable....recovery is a powerful "treatment" for your addiction of co-dependency. The life preserver is waiting.
Welcome to the board..you have already had some great responses. Kudos to you for even asking the questions! You do have a busy life. ..let me ask you this, if you had cancer would you seek treatment now or would you wait until you weren't so busy (busy never goes away)?
This is so true...putting it off delays your peace, freedom and healthier thinking....ALSO...You need to work your program ON YOUR OWN, as he does....Alanon is about US...so lets talk about you....meetings each day???? do you have a sponsor to guide you through the steps??? step work is important for the rediscovery part of you that you must do....family of origin work to find out why you have the mechanism to even want to do this effort w/someone not in SERIOUS and strong recovery
AS long as he is drinking, there isn't much chance of a happy life....the only chance you have is to take your hands off him and work on YOU...detach from his problems and work on YOURS.
I see most of your post, you were focusin on him and not as much on you...NOt a good sign as I read this...It appears to me that you are thinking more of him and not enough on you, the person you CAN fix is you...
Please, I urge you to work all the components of this program and get YOU healthier....THEN you can make better decisions about your life and your goals for the future.
JUST saying...take what U like and leave the rest...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Nothing more I can add to the wisdom you've received from some of our MIP family. I'll just say a big WELCOME to you. Keep coming back. We have on-line meetings which can supplement face to face meetings for you.
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