The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new to this board and am hoping to find some support. I'm in my early 40's with three kids, ages 14, 18 and 21. My husband has been an alcoholic for years. I'm not sure how it started...was it stress that triggered the excessive drinking or the excessive drinking that triggers his stress? I feel like at this point it doesn't really matter. Until recently we've only skirted around the issue because I hate confrontation. I'll try to make this story short.
He's recently taken a job in another state and wants us to move with him after he's saved for a couple of years for a house. He claims its for purely financial means but I suspect the alcohol induced thought process has a lot to do with his decision. He basically gave me an ultimatum and said that if I don't tell him soon that I'm moving it's over. Because I was so upset and all I could do was cry I wrote him a letter telling him that for me to ever seriously consider moving anywhere with him he would have to get help for his alcoholism. He said that by moving it would alleviate his stress and he would be able to cut back. I, of course, insisted that he completely quit. I suggested AA or some other professional help. I don't think he took me seriously.
After a very long and painful couple of weeks he finally moved. I was dreading it tremendously and cried every day and night. I took a week off from work and just grieved. Now that he's gone though I'm finding that we are able to find peace (my kids and I). In a way I feel guilty because right now I don't really miss him. I don't want a divorce and am praying that he'll hit bottom and seek help. My goal is to be a family again. Am I wrong for appreciating the peace that his absence gives me right now? Is there any hope of him quitting and us being a family?
Welcome Lady bug. We mostly share experience, strength and hope instead of advice. But the advice I will give you is to find local alanon meetings and start going. They will help you see you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. By giving an ultimatum he forced you to set a boundary. That's how it works. Your boundary was to only be with him if he stops drinking. We all set our own boundaries. When we do we try to follow up with them. His actions cause consequences. His actions are not yours to take on and feel guilty.
Is there any hope of him quitting? there is always HOPE. He will quit when the pain of drinking and what he is losing is greater than he wants to tolerate. Just remember if he blames YOU for his drinking, it's not y9our fault. He drinks because he is an alcoholic and that's what they do. They drink. And unfortunately they tend to hurt those who love them the most.
Keep coming back. Post and read. And it would be great if you found a local meeting. The meetings are for YOU. the meetings help you learn to understand. They help you find peace and serenity even if he never stops.
you said He basically gave me an ultimatum and said that if I don't tell him soon that I'm moving it's over. Because I was so upset and all I could do was cry I wrote him a letter telling him that for me to ever seriously consider moving anywhere with him he would have to get help for his alcoholism. He said that by moving it would alleviate his stress and he would be able to cut back. I, of course, insisted that he completely quit. I suggested AA or some other professional help. I don't think he took me seriously.
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Welcome to the alanon board
First....NO u r not bad for loving peace..............AND read the above...does that look like a person who is even thinking of recovery??? "cutting back" what is that??? and alcoholism is progressive.....his drinking change will only go to the worse, not less...and as it progresses w/out a strong AA program, he will start losing jobs, get worse, his health will suffer....and you are powerless over that.........he is using emotional blackmail to get you to move and live now in a new place with the same drunk........
I can't tell U what to do but I can STRONGLY URGE U to go to alanon meetings...work the steps w/a good sponsor, read the literature, an also read and practice the slogans.....you can only change you and help you.....
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Nothing happens in our world without our hp's help. This could be the break you need to make the decisions you
need to make for your life. So enjoy the breather and think about what path you might take to better your life.
I would recommend F2F Alanon meetings for awhile , using the tools of Alanon would be such a great help.
Good for you that you recognized that he does what a lot of Alcoholics do, move around thinking that will improve their drinking. Glad you stayed where you were.
Thanks to you all for the reassuring words. My friends and family support me and are there for me as a shoulder to cry on and a place to vent. However, they don't understand what it's like to live with an alcoholic. I will find an Al-Anon group to attend in the very near future. Thanks again.
Don't forget to come back here, we allow venting...lol
We all have the experience of living with an Alcoholic. We can offer you our experiences, strength and hope.
We are here 24/7, we also have online chat, open meetings and step work, along with your f2f meetings, you will get the support you will need and your right, friends and relatives who dont have an alcoholic in their life do not undertand.
Enjoy the break.....let him be with the consequences of his choices. Focus on you through the al anon tools and see where you end up; it is best not to make any major decisions...just be with what is for now. You will receive support and understanding on this board. Read through the posts, attend the online meetings...get to know us. (((hugs)))
Welcome to these boards. Two things jump out at me from your post...one, the A will always have some reason to explain the drinking and I still struggle with this mightily but As drink because they are alcoholics. Nothing we do, don't do, say or don't say will make a difference about that. The other is that now that he is out of house you are feeling a sense of peace (and yes some guilt to go with that). I say pay attention to that...the peacefulness is real.
Maybe you all need to have this time to figure out what is next but the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your kids. I am in the process of divorce and also have 3 kids. We would have been married 22 yrs in November so believe me when I tell you it was not easy to realize I could no longer live w the active alcoholism (mine also would talk about cutting back and all the things in life that would help him do that) after many many many times realizing there was no change on horizon, I knew I had to make a change for me.
There is a lot of strength and hope here....please keep coming back!
Aloha Ladybug and welcome to the board...You've gotten some great feedback from others and we all have face to face meetings in common. We know that one works. I'd suggest you take your two eldes or even all the kids with you on the first meeting. Tell them "I've found a place to get information and support about alcoholism" and then drag them off for an hour and maybe dinner after. Maybe. My experience has seen that work so that many questions get answers.
Your alcoholics suggestion that going and being somewhere else will alter his drinking on the "good" side. That is called a geographical and I don't remember ever hearing that it worked. The ultimatum also says that he knows how bad it is for the family and he's going to continue to put drinking ahead of the family...that is the "it's over" statement. "If you don't come to where I am drinking....It's over". Alcoholic self-centered personality is entrenched and even if he were to quit drinking he would then have to work and massage that personality into being more "part of" rather than the "only part of". I am happy with you that you can now realize that the disease is so destructive and you can find perace of mind and serenity without the drinker/ing going on. I hope he gets "unstuck" with his drink at any cost thinking cause the cost has not gone up. I you want to try an untimatum with him...suggest that he goes to AA meetings weekly for the next two years and then listen for the response. Don't argue it or discuss it...this suggestion comes from a recovering alcoholic, Al-Anon member. If he's practiced alcoholism for years he will have to be in recovery for years just to get even in time.
Stick around. Keep coming back. Let us know how your first meeting went and check in at the on line meetings we have here at MIP. ((((hugs))))
