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I have been on here for some time now and I have read most of the stuff that ppl write about her ah and abf and so forth. I cant say that about my ex because I do not know if he is or not and I never seen the behavior ppl are talking about on here nor has he ever been drunk around me. I mean I have read about the symptons and I have done research and honestly no he didn't do any of the things I have read and researched. I mean yes he has talked to other girls, he has told me he never slept with any of them and I would have to say he is not lying about it because I have asked the girls and they said no only talk he never would do anything but text. I mean that hurt that he would go do things like that and I would ask him why talk to the other girls when I am here he said he needed feedback on what to do with me and I mean to me it was bs because I should be the one you come to on any issue you have with me. Anyway yes I took a lot of that however I chose to stay with him. Yes I enabled it but I didn't know what else to do, I know leave but I mean I just hadn't reached that point yet with him. He was a drinker, however it never got to the point of him being drunk, I mean there were never any moments of him going into a rage, I would have to say he would get mad at me if I took a fight to far but I never knew how far to take it or when to walk away but he did and for me I would follow him and that was my fault cause I like to finish what gets started and he is opposite of me. Some ppl in my family have considered him to be a alcoholic but in all honesty I don't know what they are talking about. I mean I have tried to think about everything with us and I have looked deep into our 5 year relationship and I have said no I don't recall him ever drinking like they were claiming, yes he had one every now and then but lord it was not extreme and I am not defending him by no means cause had he come home drunk he would have been gone. I don't like ppl who drink and get drunk and act unruly. I cant stand a person being mean to me while intoxicated. The only thing I really recall about us was that he would talk to other girls but he never took it as far as sex. I do know that nobody deserves to be done that way either, however like I said I accepted it when he would apologize and I would move forward for some reason I managed to move away from it.
I have been told to leave him alone since I have started alanon and honestly I don't know why they have said it because I do love him actually I am in love with him. I miss him so much and it hurts a lot that I cant have any contact. But I am going through this process and I mean deal with it all. But anyway thank you for reading...
I love alanon and I love the ppl on here its all so comforting . that's why I keep coming back
Welcome to Miracles in Progress. I am glad that you found us and are attending alanon Face to face meetings. Recovery is a process and having no contact with your exbf may be a healthy way for you to Let Go and Let God
You're not alone. I have been where you are at, loving someone so much and having them love me, but also having the disease as another element in our relationship.
Honestly, I had no idea my ex-abf was drinking or using drugs until about 1.5 years into our relationship. I thought the drinking was normal because of the college lifestyle that skewed my perception of what enjoying an alcholic beverage in a healthy manner meant. I think that the spectrum of behaviors for A's is very, very broad. Some alcoholics are dry drunks who don't even drink, their actions and the way they behave in relationshisp towards people they care about are telling signs.
Also, for me, I've found my program isn't even about alcoholics per say.
It's about ME and how I am living my life - is it "other people centered"? I had literally made so many men in my life the sun and while there was many, many forms of behavior I would not accept (and I used this to validate staying - he doesn't hit me, or steal from me, etc.), I still used their love OR their ability to act in the ways I wanted them as a mirror for my worthiness.
It's about me not valuing myself enough and accepting unacceptable behavior from boyfriends out of fear of abandonment, rejection and being alone. I recently just went through a split and I can tell you that the SAME feelings surfaced and while this person was a borderline dysfunctional drinker (no overt abuse and highly self controlled), I still believe our dynamic was that of a codependent and an A.
