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Yes I'm taking the blame and the shame and the knowing my actions that I took today was not right and I and unacceptable . I was a reactor ready to explode and I did .. Do I feel better NO! Did I get any thing good out of it NO! I can honestly say I been good and patient and put up with to much that yesterday was the last straw that turned me into a very ugly evil bitter revengeful woman!! My A final brought me to my boil. I became a not so nice co dependent and not proud of it. My A took his last dig in me last night this will not happen again . Where was I for 2 hours if I didn't go to the meeting ? I could of lied and told him I did go to a meeting but no I didn't but I should of . I needed time to get my head on . I been in a daze for days after my PTSD theropy, so yes I had a set back I'm back to step 2 when I was getting ready for step 4 . Now I can't do step 4 I can't priories it. Extra baggage on top of what I have now . But still the A realized that my health is not improving and deside to add to it. When did you see your Sponser ? Where were you the other night ? And can I ask you something ( me ). Why did you change your shirt 3 times? Why do you do that ? Why do you stay up so late knowing ( him) I have to get up in the morning ? Told my A I was going for a interview next week for a cleaning job 2 days out of the week 4 hours each day and the wow 8 hours I won't be here at the house . Then say hmm and then nothing to follow that so of course my drunk infested brain has me thinking ok he doesn't approve of this he will find a way to make sure I don't take the job because this is a pattern of. His about 2 months ago. To him that's the old A talking . The new A dont think like that any more . Well it's kind of hard for me to even think he could change his attitude in 2 months since he still up to date with the rest of the drilling of me. I left the bedroom last night with anger!!!!! I slept on the couch on my way out of the bedroom he had to make sure he left me with a smart A closing remark about oh take extra shirts and makeup and stay up all night taking photos for your boy friends . I lost it . I stood in his face and screamed and told him he will never do this to me again. I am tired of his slip ups he is having and there happing more to so. But admits to it right after he says it . I will not give him any more of my time my breath and what little brain I have left for him to pick at me. Like I said I'm not proud of my actions I'm not happy with the end results . If I had to do over again , different reaction to his pushing of my buttons . The only thing I would of did was pack my bags and leave him !!!! Granted that's not the right way to go about it . But I have giving so much time to this toxic marrage that I now give no more . Yeah I toss a good jab at him last night I used the wild card I been holding for a while . I asked him if he was working his program or just showing up to get a chip . Bam that was like a powerful insult to him , then he starts swearing and saying stay on your side of the st stay out of my program stop asking me questions . I said how does it feel to be questioned to be nit pick at and insulted and belittle and bullied and badger and talk down to you . Don't like it huh well that's the every day crap I gone threw and he got a taste of a non alcoholic beverage . And didn't like it. Again please forgive me for my misconduct and negative post . But my god how much more could I stand till this happen ..
I said what I ment and ment what I said but I don't regret saying it mean ..
I'm ready to here all the other ways I could of handle this . Shutting my mouth and walking away cover my ears and eyes does not work I'm this house .. I know for sure I will not stoop to this ugly behavior again.
Well, I have to say that part of me is saying "YES, you go girl!" It happens...forgive yourself and keep on moving along with your recovery. Someday, you might look back and laugh. Progress, not perfection!
Well.....I'm not sure what you're meaning by "my drunk infested brain"? If you're saying that you flew into a drunken rage, then I'd see it one way.
If you're not meaning that, then I'd say that it sounds to me like you stood up for yourself. I'm not for screaming, etc since it does violence to me and I want to minimize that for two reasons - both a bit selfish: It hurts to scream and people don't hear what I'm saying and I want them to hear what I'm saying. On the other hand, given all that has been happening at your house, since he wouldn't hear your whispers maybe this time he heard your roar? There is a point that we reach - at least some of us - when enough is enough is enough. That's the point where we stand up for ourselves and keep standing up for ourselves and we start making real changes that will be lasting - good ones if we don't keep returning to arguing, defending ourselves, explaining ourselves or justifying ourselves. We can also reach a point where it doesn't matter what they say or what they want or how often they follow us around telling us how to act, feel, think or be - we have decided that we will be our own person and nothing is going to change our minds.
Finally, I agree that for your sake and for the children's sake, it isn't good for you to repeat the behavior and it sounds like you know what I know about that? It also isn't good for you or the children to live in constant tension and turmoil.
So, now that you've said what you meant and meant what you said and want to practice not saying it mean - what do you think you might want to do from here? If you want to share that?
I had a big this is it night with my ex, too, so you're not alone in this.
I have a feeling your too much the other way and don't stand up for yourself enough...
Sometimes you just feel like fighting and saying enough is enough.
I still think if you work on your detachment skills and choose questions you will answer and one's you won't and then go about your business, that also goes for his behaviors,. he will get the idea eventually.
Thanks for your honesty. I agree, you are human and not a doormat. I am so glad that you found your voice It takes practive and time in order to "say what you mean , mean what you say and not say it mean". You got 2 out of 3 Not Bad
Ms grateful I seam to have my own little slogan myself when I said drinking infested mind . I'm meaning now that is mind seam to be clear I'm getting the fumes from being around his recover so its like my mind is drunk and infected from it I see his ways not changing but yet he tell me not changing it so he basicly talking to a mind that's has no sense of what's right or wrong . The after shocks . From all the bs he filled my head with .
((((RM)))) this is a practice issue...you did what you did when you did it and didn't feel good about it and now you're inventorying it and judging yourself by yourself (not real good) and with our input (better). You laid it out for the board to see and we all recognize the journey..or should. You're in the early stages of this thing called recovery and maybe need to remember that when you judge yourself. You're still a newbie...will never get it perfect...was not perfect to start with...are working toward some progress without having a dead body of the alcoholic laying at your feet (lol)...wanting to learn how to say what you mean..mean what you say..and don't say it mean. Accept you are a newbie and have frustrations and will have more in time. Great that we only get to life in the day or the hour or the minute right? When you calm down you might consider...if you are ready...an honest apology; first to yourself. You slipped...Big Deal...you are a child of God and you ain't gonna get a God Spanking...chances are in sometime you'll feel a God Hug. The other person you apologize to...when you are ready and your motives and intentions are right...in place...honest..is your alcoholic as we would to "anyone we hurt" for any reason. Let it all go...you are a hurt person reacting to the pain of being hurt over a long period of time. Be grateful...practice feeling that also. It hasn't killed either of you...(yet that is). You're loved...duplicate it.
You know, I had times where I just lost it with my A, and honestly, I didn't feel bad about it. I stood up for myself and that was important. Maybe I wasn't calm, collected and kind, but at least I accomplished something I was usually afraid of doing.
I did this one time when the A and I were in bed going to sleep. He was flipping around in bed and kicked me hard. I yelled "OW! That hurt!". What does he say to me? "Oh calm down. That didn't hurt you."
I got so indignant at that remark and snapped at him saying "You are NOT in my body so YOU don't get to tell ME what hurts me or not!!" It certainly shut him up on that matter, and I honestly felt proud for sticking up for myself instead of allowing the A to once again tell me how I'm supposed to feel.
I think for me the important thing was that I didn't turn it into an abusive cycle. There was one point during my marriage where I stated being really nasty to him consistently and I looked at it and realized I was behaving just like he was most of the time - and I didn't like it.
Good for you calling it as you see it. Your A certainly likes to be the pot calling the kettle black. He inventories and tries to control your recovery 24/7, but when you do it to him, he doesn't like it one bit. Again, not that I'd encourage this reaction all the time.
All I really could do when I knew I was really seeking a healthy recovery was to continually ask my HP to help me to be the person he would have me be. I had to feel okay with myself and my actions, and that was the most important thing of all.
My x and I were sitting side by side on our bed one day. Until that time I had worked to keep things as calm as I could and was as submissive as I could be. He hit me. Something in me had had it for that day. I stood up, pushed him back on the bed, held him down and said "You hit me again and you are going to know something about me you have never known." I had taken advantage of his not expecting any reaction except my soft, submissive one and the warrior within me made herself known. He looked at me with total surprise. He was stunned. Made me happy. There was one more incident after that with me in the warrior mode. Each made me that much more sure that there was something wrong when a wife feels the need to threaten or become imperious with her own husband. I felt bad about it and didn't share it with anybody until years later. The man I shared it with had been a priest and was a very good, good man. He looked at me and said, "Have you ever heard of the wrath of God?" Sometimes, if we allow the warrior woman within us to surface, it is with HP's blessing if we are allowing that primal part of ourselves to help save ourselves from destruction. I don't believe we are to utilize that part of ourselves to do any kind of violent act against another, but we can use it to protect ourselves from further abuse and to become pro-active in seeing there is something wrong in our lives and we can with HP's help look at what we can do to change ourselves from being what Bettina and Betty both referred to as a doormat.
