I need some thoughts on this - Al-Anon Family Group

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

I need some thoughts on this

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy: These are the kinds of things that I've had to wrestle with alone in a lot of ways. I can share with you what I have done with slogans, steps, reminders, but in the end the answers on something like this I think must come from within me. That's been the beauty of meetings for me - I can go in with an issue I'm just not clear on in myself - hear something that isn't directly related to what I'm wrestling with - and then suddenly know exactly what I should or shouldn't do in a particular situation. I've learned to wait with action until I'm totally at peace beneath all the feelings that might still be churning and have clarity. Until then, I've learned that I just don't know and I must wait for the "more will be revealed." Until then, I must put my son in my God box and do what is mine to do to take care of me. One of the most terrifying challenges and I say terrifying because I've felt that way is the knowledge that I am 100% responsible for what I choose to do in relationship to my son. I wish I could say that it gets easier, but for me it hasn't. Maybe somebody else makes these choices with much more ease than I have been able to do? Being totally responsible for my choices is also freeing in some ways. It seems to be a paradox for me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 07:37:00 PM

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Friends

I have been working on keeping my distance with my son. He, I'm sure is not in a good way and now is not the time to step in. BUT....the big but...if the A is so down and at his bottom and doesn't know what to do and he takes his own life or does something else that will hurt him...should we step in or just let go Let God no matter what? Is it good to just let what's going to happen happen in this case

No I don't have any reason to believe my son will do anything but the but is still there. I'm having a hard time dealing with it.

In the past I would be over to his place making sure he was OK enabling this, taking care of that. Now.....nothing...just praying for him.

I know if he's going to do something to himself there is nothing I can do about it, It's just hard to sit back. His father has tried to get a hold of him....nothing. He has text and emailed him....nothing. This is not unusual if he is on a binge so I will know in about 5 days if he's still alive. But the email he sent me saying "Please don't help" is something new so it's putting me in a whole new place. Truly letting go.

Very confused on my part in this. Don't want to lose him. Would I have terrible guilt if anything should happen...I don't know.

Will be at a meeting tonight so I'm going to talk about it I think. I need to get these feelings out.

I am praying my HP gives me some answers to my questions and how I should handle this in my own mind. They are just not there yet.

Thank you for listening/reading

Mimi3 · Senior Member

Cathy,

I certainly empathize with you!! I have sponsored a gal for 10 yrs and she has been where you are, literally hundreds of times with her son....she learned that there is Nothing she can do or say that will change things for him! They are addicts, the risk of dying is very high...but the other thing that came to mind when you were sharing the part again about "Please Don't Help", made me think of the 3 Views of Al-Anon and the Open Letter From The Alcoholic...and this part of it: Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful.

I hope you were able to talk about it in your meeting...Prayers to((( you,))) your HP has this Cathy:)

DavidG · ~*Service Worker*~

hi Cathy...

...when I was 21 I lost two uncles to suicide. My dad told me he was suicidal when i was 9- so it was quite an obsession with me. every time I went past his place, and that was often I would always check to see if he had made it home.

For me the Alanon approved slogan is Live and Let Live. And for this situation the word 'live' is very very relevant.

Thanks for the share,

it is an honour to hear, and to be heard...

-David.

AngelicH57 · Senior Member

Wish I knew the right answers for you but I don't {{{Hugs}}}

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Sis...I know this for certain. This one is mine a lesson from along time ago, "If there is no acceptance there will always be another what if". The sponsor who taught me that also taught me, "In order to find balance in this recovery; for every what if you have you must also have a what if not". I wish you courage and strength and accepance and faith and mostly peace and serenity. Practice. (((((hugs))))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know if he's going to do something to himself there is nothing I can do about it, It's just hard to sit back. His father has tried to get a hold of him....nothing. He has text and emailed him....nothing. This is not unusual if he is on a binge so I will know in about 5 days if he's still alive. But the email he sent me saying "Please don't help" is something new so it's putting me in a whole new place. Truly letting go.

*****************************************

((((((((((((Cathy)))))))))))))))) Oh my dear little friend.....how crazy we make ourselves be when we project and to the "what if" dance........

My brother wanted out of this world....OUT....GONE>.....I was powerless....struggling with an A husband, trying to keep going on a relatively new job...IN TEXAS where he was in MASS....There was nothing I could do.,..David mentioned "live and let live" Hun , we can't FORCE a person to want to live if that is the direction they are in, but you said you didn't think he would do anything....And even if he was thinking of it...what would you do??? Watch him 24/7 ??? b/c if they really want to "go" they will find a way no matter what, but an email saying "please don't help" COULD mean, "mom, I gotta work this out myself and I don't want to involve you anymore in my struggles...."

Maybe he is hitting his bottom and on the cusp of getting into AA ., it does not HAVE to be he wants to GO

My brother did and no amount of watching, talking, NOTHING stopped him when he got the flu , that was his way out...He had bad lungs from a childhood case of pneumonia and mr. and mrs. abusive/neglectful did not get him help, hence the damaged lungs......the docs always said "one good cold or flu that is respiratory and hes GONE"

well he let it take him out (flu) I called him, I sent friends over his house, I mean he was in a rooming house w/other guys and he had folks keeping an eye on him all th etime.....he gets sick....refuses to get medical help....collapses.....rushed to hospital......its too late....

Cathy there is not ANYTHING we can do if someone really really wants out of here.....and its not like this kid is unloved, alone, kicked to the curb, even tho mom is detaching, he KNOWS you love and want him and he KNOWS why u r detaching, and he KNOWS he has your heart......I don't see it....

Please, do you have a sponsor that you can call???? Do you have ANY good , trusted recovery mate you can call to reach out to????? some meeting mates???? I just don't want to see you suffering alone, U need to be with some recovery folks....in person or on phone......

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

hotrod wrote:
(((Cathy))

When my son was in trouble I was not the only one who checked up on him His neighbors regularly called 911 for an ambulance or called me demanding that I do something. Believe that what you need to know you will know and trust this painful process. If you know he is in need of medical attention naturally call 911.

-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 07:55:42 PM

I could not agree w/this more....of COURSE , if a person acts or looks to be in trouble, yea, you call 911......and Betty is right...u will know what you need to know.....Grateful said she puts her boy in her "God box" not a bad idea, either....This is the part of being powerless.....So sorry U R going through this...

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Cathy it's not a situational thing to let go and let God/Hp. We learn to live that way in all things. We use our skills, we mind our own business, we detach, we take care of us. ONE day at a time. Or even one hour or half day whatever.

I invite you to start small. Wake up, choose to think about what you are going to do day. Or maybe for half the day. Allow yourself to stop thinking about anything but what makes you happy. Then at half a day do the same thing. Possibly work on not allowing your mind to be worried about your son.

Teach yourself to think about you. A lot of this is empty nest syndrome. It its hard to let our kids go period. It's still bugs me when my son drives off and he is 37. He is always in the wilderness fishing alone with his dog. So many things can happen. I don't think about it. I don't allow myself to.

Allow your son the dignity of being an adult, he has to make his own decisions whatever they are. He is not you anymore. He is completely separate. His place where ever it is, is his. He does not need you to take care of him. He only needs you to love him, accept him as is, believe in him.

If you had someone over you all the time you would not be able to get a sense of how you want to live, how you want to take care of yourself. All of us need to learn this or we live with our parents forever.

He is begging you to let him go.He wants you to be ok you know.He feels awful guilt if you are always worrying over him. It always killed me to know my Mother was unhappy. I could not live my life knowing that. I had to learn I could not give her what she needed. She worked on herself and became very ok with how she was. If your son feels he holds you back or that his disease makes you so upset, believe me it makes him feel worse. He needs you to let go!!

Believe in him. Now make sure you are warm and comfortable, I know for me, I read the Bible a lot. It takes me away, I learn so much. If we allow our HP to take care of US, we really do feel better.

You know i care about you so much, am so glad you stuck and are now and old timer here! love,debilyn

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

having pc problems tonight .. attempted to edit my post but computer is deleting everything I type. so frustrating because I tried a few times and lost everything I posted. Cathy I will absolutely still keep you in prayer and meditation this week . I know there are some wise replies in here. I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and praying for the wisdom to keep coming your way !!

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

This would be a tough one for me and I would do what you have done....laid it out here, laid it out in a meeting and laid it before God. Peace, Cathy

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.