"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"

Bettina · ~*Service Worker*~

I just got dumped

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Well, the guy i was dating/obsessing about broke things off with me today.

We were best friends for two years. I feel utterly devestated. Rejected. Alone and hopeless.

anY KIND WORDS WOULD HELP.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I know this hurts so badly and I am sorry. I am 60 and can still remember the stings of the heartbreak and feeling worthless because I was not what "he" wanted. Because I did not want to feel anymore hurt, I would try and morph into what these man/boys would want me to be. I did not have a forum such as this to express my pain and I did not want my friends to know I was not the amazon woman they thought I was. Come here, get it out and we will support you through this. Keep in mind the 3 a's...acknowledge your feelings, accept your feelings, than take the next best action for you. This too shall pass. (((hugs))) You are loved just because you are you...remember that.

karma13 · Senior Member

Just remember you are never alone :) there are many in the program who have been through the same. My thoughts and prayers are with you :) If it were me I would shift all my focus on to myself and taking care of me..feel my feelings, process, heal, hit as many meetings as I needed to, call someone in the program/ or my sponsor daily, pray and meditate,eat well, exercise, and read as much alanon and coda material as possible. Blessings and healing to you

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

RunnerChick

You are a beauiful, intelligent compassionate women who deserves happiness, respect and love.

Please keep coming back and attending alanon meetings The promises of alanon do come true

STICKY: THE PROMISES OF ALANON

gingerfizz · Veteran Member

Sending you support and good vibes... when you don't know what to do use Good Orderly Direction and do the next best thing for you! Take care of you.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

(((( Runnerchick ))))

I feel for you. I know what it's like to be rejected and not loved. My SO had an affair and broke it off with me about 12 years ago. I thought I was going to die. For 2 years I stalked him because I had to have him back. I could barely live on a day to day basis for the first few months. Well I got him back....

BIG MISTAKE......when it's not right on both parties.....it's just not right.

Time to heal and go though the pain but it will pass. Keep coming back because you are not alone and we can give you the ESH you need right now.

canadianguy · ~*Service Worker*~

His loss, my friend...

Welcome back, we have missed you... feel free to open up to us again, we are here for you.

Tom

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

I'm sorry you're hurting. Don't look back, just keep growing. Hugs, TT

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

This TOO....will pass. He wasn't your Higher Power so you didn't loose everything right? Board loves you...love yourself with us. ((((hugs)))) smile

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Because I did not want to feel anymore hurt, I would try and morph into what these man/boys would want me to be. I did not have a forum such as this to express my pain and I did not want my friends to know I was not the amazon woman they thought I was. Come here, get it out and we will support you through this. Keep in mind the 3 a's...acknowledge your feelings, accept your feelings, than take the next best action for you. This too shall pass. (((hugs))) You are loved just because you are you...remember that.

Oh I So agree....I did the exact same thing...if the guy I liked was republican, I was in love with elephants, if he didn't like chocolate, I ditched my fave for the vanilla....really....I was sooo scared of being abandoned...sooo sick of being in pain, I was willing to do ANYthing to belong....even if it was abuse....

now???? I wouldn't even dream of it.....I am what I am and take what you want and leave the rest b/c I am NOT changing unless it is MY decision born out of my desire for progress in recovery and if a guy does not want to accept me for what/who/ I am??? He can kiss me where the sun don't shine....

If a person dumps me??? well??? it just was not a fit....I don't ever want a guy or friend who does not want me.....I allow them to go their separate way......sometimes we get kicked to the curb, but its all b/c folks are in our lives for a reason....season....very few for a lifetime.......this too shall pass as Paula says....

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh sweetie, i read this and went ugh!! Mine was my best friend for eleven. Believe me I am right with you. ugh. So breath. First things first. Survival. Seriously your body is broken.Make sure you always have water out for you to drink. Let yourself cry whenever, do not hold it in.

Let it settle into you. Right now believe me, you have not accepted it. It will take time and work to get there. I invite you to journal if you can.

Rest as much as you can. Come here as much as you want, get it out. If you have friends to talk to, tell them what you need from them. I have to tell my one person do not put him down to me. You need love honey.

Be light on yourself. If you have to slow down it is ok. Its a devistating blow. We were one now i feel halved. I certainly feel so unbalanced. We began needing them, gave them a piece of ourselves only to be cut off.

Man it hurts! Also we never know if they will be sorry and come back. We can cross that if they do. Plus even though we may have thought they were our friend, are they there to help us through it?

It's hurting and its going to hurt. ugh. Every morn I gauge the day looking out my window, feeling if my stomach is still sick, is the migraine gone. But I also get up and get busy now. I allow me to go easy, think slowly. People know I am not ok but thats to be expected.

We all here have gone thru it here. I am telling you the two times I felt the worst, not wanting to be here, I am too old to go thru this ickies I shared it on my fb and here. The responses put patches on my heart both times and the next day was better! I invite you to let it all out. all the dirty stuff. It was not easy for me to say I wanted to die. But i did. these people thru out ropes I could not grab yet cuz I did not want to at all. When I did, I started my life again. For now we are all here. Our hands are out to you when you are ready, every day all day, and night.

love, debilyn

MeTwo2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I Have a magnet on my fridge now that reads: "God removes others from our lives for a reason; think twice before wanting to pull them back in." I too was dumped after 12 years to the point this person refused all conversation with me even to the degree of refusing to talk about our daughter. In fact, he made me the literal target of his distorted truth he passed on to others that I was to blame. Of course I did my share, but it didn't happen quite the way he described it. I chose recovery, he chose the door. It still makes me sad, but It was never about love as I'd hoped it would become; it was always about addiction. I don't know what type of relationship you had, but I know for us it was so 'emotionally toxic that I realize it's taken me two years to detox; what I felt was the sickness leaving me in body, mind, spirit; Such a painful removal 'Process. I called it missing him for a very long time but then I called it a relationship between the two of us when what we really had was a relationship with the disease of alcoholism and addiction; very unhealthy. One of the things I also realize today is that when I was with this person, I was in the dark; the dark I'm referring to is confusion, obsession, fear, anxiety, mistrust, doubt, control, etc., and one of the things I recognized after my 4th and 5th step was that It hurt so much to let him go because I was afraid of being Alone in the dark. Today, I'm still sad some days but I'm grateful: if he had Never left, I would have never found as much light as I am finding today, and the pain of being Out is Much Less than the pain of being in & in bondage. It's Much easier to keep the focus on me now with higher power and my thinking is becoming much more focused.

keep sharing; sharing halves our sorrows and doubles our joy

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

"I just got dumped" can be reframed to "I am free now." Nobody can dump us. We're not a pile of dirt. They can choose to journey without us for awhile and that frees us up to explore a new relationship to ourselves and find out what we need now. I've learned things about myself in every relationship that I've experienced in life. When the lesson is over, this student moves on into a new classroom with a new teacher. I've also learned that when I feel insecure in a relationship, it is because it isn't right for me. Sometimes, I've let the other person do the hard part of calling it quits, but its really what I've wanted, too. I don't know if this is true for you, but I've learned that it has been true for me.

RunnerChick · Senior Member

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

I know it's time to work on me.
I just keep going back and reading all the pathetic, pleading things I said to him instead of maintaining my dignity. I emotionally reacted.

We have been bf for two years; I have some physical intimacy issues and when we first got together I was closed off and not open to him physically. We split ways and I was devestated then because he framed it as though we weren't compatible. I then felt rejected.
I have TREMENDOUS rejection and abandonment issues.

The crux of it is this: He told me I was a rollarcoaster. I expressed my insecurity to him over our relationship. He hated my constant questioning if it was "Safe". This made him feel like I was not stable and that eventually I'd get too scared and run away. I did my best yesterday to convince him this was otherwise. He said some hurtful things to me such as "My mind is telling me no. My heart tells me yes, but I have to listen to my mind. It's overriding it now." I feel like I should do something - tell him he's making a mistake. He told me he doesn't think we're both ready for each other yet.

I know I have my own work to do. either am obsessed with a person or I have no attraction/attachment to them whatsoever. What hurts so much is that he was also my best friend.
I don't know what to do right now.

What to do? What to do?

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

He told me I was a rollarcoaster. I expressed my insecurity to him over our relationship. He hated my constant questioning if it was "Safe". This made him feel like I was not stable and that eventually I'd get too scared and run away. I did my best yesterday to convince him this was otherwise. He said some hurtful things to me such as "My mind is telling me no. My heart tells me yes, but I have to listen to my mind. It's overriding it now." I feel like I should do something - tell him he's making a mistake. He told me he doesn't think we're both ready for each other yet.

*******************************

Sometimes, in anger or frustration a person's statements to us is something we need to take a hard look at....he called u a Rollarcoaster ....he hated your "is it safe???" questions.....and he felt u were unstable and too fear based (paraphraasing) ...so I would THINK about what he said and what steps do I need to work to come to some learning about these "traits" he addressed.....

THEN U "try to convince him" of what???? the fact that U tried to "convince" shows me that , if this were me , I would get into meets...get a sponsor to work the steps w/me....and work on ME....let go of all else that is non essential and work on ME....

and if this were me, again, the "like I should do something" would be to work my program....meets...steps...literature.....slogans..... and "telling him he's making a mistake" I don't think so....If someone did the above to me....I would want to detach ....As I get healthier , this kind of behavour would scare me off.......a healthy relationship is not clingy, needy, or anything but a healthy friendship where we can be together, but apart in our lifes lessons, program, our discoveries, growth, etc.......he is his own spirit....he spoke his feelings......let him go....U won't be able to force him to stay anyway, and fighting this is only making it worse...

Time for work on serious program.....as I learn to love me, I , sure, I don't want abandonment, but I can handle it...like 'ok" if they don't want me??? so be it.....maybe their rejection is HP's protection from something....or its a nudge for me to get to work on me.

JUST sayin...take what u can use and leave the rest

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Runner Chick))))

Sending prayers for a more serene place.

Rejection, especially from a best friend, can feel awful. Please be especially gentle with yourself and take time to do things that nurture your soul. Reach out to Alanoners and grab a sponsor for extra support in putting a new foot forward.

As we get older, we all accrue issues of some kind or another. I understand that while each person may contribute more than 50%, each person comprises 50% of the relationship... the relationship grows or lessens in response to how each person contributes (based on their past experiences and how open they are). We all have fears and there are no guarantees of outcomes, but we do the best we can at the time. No one is perfect.

We don't know what HP has in store for us; it may or may not be the end of your relationship, there may be a man that is better suited for you... try and take the pressure off of yourself that opportunity has closed a door... I'm a firm believer that a window must be opening somewhere.

In support.

RunnerChick · Senior Member

Yes. I am dealing with alot of shame now for how crazy I reacted. I was extremely emotional and I am pretty sure I really scared him off by that.

I am beyond mortified at how hysterical I got.

THe thing about me is that I never allow myself to get close to someone; this time I did and once I latched on - I was hooked. I was obsessing, feeling insecure. The relationship is a long story and got hot and heavy quickly, so the emotional intensity went from 0-60 very quickly. I feel so much shame for my behavior; I lost my dignity and self respect.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Well it's time to start with Al-anon to get that dignity and respect for yourself back.

You must love yourself before you can love someone else.

Take care

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Agree with Cathy. I have found that dignity and respect can be regained. Many times I struggle with myself for being human! It's ok to let the guilt and shame go. Forgive yourself. It was an action and doesn't represent who you are.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"