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Thank you so much for your reply Yanksfan. I do try to remind myself that it has nothing to do with me. I need to focus more on this fact. I just feel so... well ... powerless... I guess! POWERLESS! It is a disappointment over and over again to have to keep reminding myself that he will always be this way unless he gets help. I am having a hard time feeling like I am being "fake" with him when there are so many things that I have been choosing to not respond to, or not say, because it would be trying to change or manage him, or responding to his negative comments, or his efforts to get me to caretake him. It honestly feels like there is nothing left!
-- Edited by gingerfizz on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 10:53:17 AM
Husband is 30 days dry today. No program. Today he says "quitting drinking is not hard." Yeah, tell that to your irritability I dealt with for the first 2 weeks and the gallons of soda, pounds of M&Ms, and pints of ice cream you went through trying not to drink this month. A month ago he had almost admitted that he should probably not drink again. But that is gone. Today he says, "well, I wanted to try not drinking for a month .... but now I think I'll just drink until my beer gut is gone" And then you'll start drinking again so you can grow it back? The ridiculousness of this reasoning is ASTOUNDING. I should not be surprised. This is the disease of alcoholism. He wants to pretend that he is giving up drinking for weight loss, and not because he had a terrible sick inebriated night 1 month ago that almost ended our marriage. Let's just pretend this is all about your beer gut, buddy. And "quitting drinking is easy". Keep telling yourself that. We have been through this "quitting drinking" a dozen times at least in the past few years. Every time he thinks he can go back to drinking moderately, "on weekends", "only beer," etc. And every time it escalates into a monumental problem. This is INSANITY. This is why I am going to continue going to meetings. This is why I can't fall into the denial with him again. This is why, if (when) it escalates again, I won't be caught off guard. I will have support in place. I KNOW it's the alcoholic insanity talking but it's so infuriating. Infuriating! What kind of relationship is this if we can't have an honest conversation? If I am biting my tongue to "detach" while he goes on about this nonsense? I feel like there is nothing real. Our relationship is in shambles and I don't know how to try to rebuild on this broken and delusional foundation.
I have often needed the reminder that my A drinks because....he is an alcoholic. He will continue to drink, unless he seeks help for himself, because he is an alcoholic. Nothing we say, do, don't say, don't do will influence this in any way. I have also heard what I think of as halfway pledges (drink only light beer, sip a beer, always follow with seltzer, no hard liquor, 1st sets of music [he's a musician] no booze, only when gig is over, etc etc). All of those pledges were broken at one time or another, and I have to remember that the broken pledges have nothing to do with me.
We are here with you--wishing you strength, keep going to meetings.
My son did the same things. Now it's just I can't ever promise you I will stop drinking. I will know if he is truly going into recovery when I see the dedication into a program like AA. Until then I just keep telling myself
He is going to drink or he's not......what am I going to do. I would get caught up in the insanity by trying to rationalize what he does. Why you say? because I let it. I'm learning one day at a time to let it go and let God take over. It takes a whole lot of practice, practice, practice to stay on my side of the street and let him take the responsibly for his actions and respect his decisions good or bad.
Take care of you and keep coming back because you are not alone
(((( hugs ))))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Great Post!! Glad you brought it up again because for me it shows both sides of who the disease touches. Yes the insanity of the untreated alcoholic and yes too the moving away from the insanity by the affected spouse. The humorous sarcasm (humor), the wit from changed perspectives, the determination after tasting personal recovery and freedom from fear. The change is what drove me to the tables of Al-Anon to sit mostly at the knees of recovering women who taught me and helped me realize "If I only duplicate what they have I can find the humorous sarcasm and wit and determination not to let the disease take me down and out again.
Then they taught me detachment...loving detachment; how to look at my alcoholic/addict as a child of God trapped within a potentially fatal disease and I learned compassion and empathy and how not to react and she knew I was done...that I was moving on and away from her unwillingness to get clean and sober and sane. Just the release of the heavy weight of daily having the disease own my mind and emotions was like being reborn and I felt freedom and gratitude both at the same time.
Now I can sit at my 'puter' and read the recovery journeys of other who are duplicating and cheer my butt off. You go girls. If there is anything that I can do to support you in return for how I was supported when first finding the rooms...I here to do that. In support (((((hugs)))))
Cathy & Jerry, thank you both for your encouragement, strength, and hope.
Jerry, I am struggling with seeing:
my affected spouse as a child of God who has a disease, with compassion and empathy
vs.
what feels like lowering my relationship expectations/standards/needs/wants to meet this revised perception of him, of having to literally ignore things he says, it feels like there is a wall there that is not going to let a loving relationship re-grow, if I have to look at him as someone who is insane... this is more complicated than the diabetes metaphor... because it affects the person's ability to think rationally.... and my ability to identify and communicate with him in a healthy way? it's more like schizophrenia than diabetes.... in that you have to accept the delusions of this person to have a relationship... and what is a relationship if one person is deluded?
I know I need to work on ending my expectations and attachments.
And I guess I am insane/deluded too as a result of being in a relationship with an alcoholic.
After typing that I feel a little insane.
Argh!
There!! you got part of it...Very Good. Keep coming back and you get more...practice and it becomes real. I lost my magic wand and no one else here seems to have one sooooo it works when you work it. ((((hugs))))
I am kind of going through the same thing~ if they are not drinking they are just dry. They aren't working a program, so their thinking is still not sane unless they are working a program and getting help.
What I am trying to do is detach with love, go to meetings, read literature, mainly take care of myself and acceptance is key. If I want to stay with him, I do not have to like the way he is but I have to accept it. He does not want to work a program. For right now he is sober but that could change any day. So knowing that, I keep my expectations low. I will have to say with me working a program for three years, he is better somewhat from just being around me. Maybe my program rubs off on him, in a way. lol. I have learned through my program that trying to talk to him or reason things out with him is useless, he defends himself, gets angry, it's better to focus on myself and taking care of myself. I still love him and sometimes when I get into denial I occasionally try to tell him what to do, but it always turns out disastrous. He is going to do what he is going to do and when I let go and let God, I'm in a much better place to take care of myself, and leave him and God to figure stuff out for him. I wish you blessings. Keep working your program. It works if you work it and YOU are WORTH it :)
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
Mine is a wasband not yet divorced however not together anymore. What I continue to be shown is I have to listen to my eyes not my ears. It's an interesting dichotomy because he believes what I show him not what I say. There is a difference in those two statements. I have also learned that trying to rationalize with an irrational person doesn't work either and sometimes I'm the irrational person. He does what he does because he's an A and it's not an excuse it's the magic "why" answer .. I no longer feel the need to react the same way I used to and thank you Alanon for that .. lol!!! It was crazy train central with a stop at LooneyVille!! I do sooo much better when I can qtip the disease and detach .. (detaching with love for me is a 2x4 with the word "love" on it O ) bad joke .. sometimes just being able to detach is enough of a start to the process of working to detaching with love. Keep coming back .. hugs p :)
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Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.- Maya Angelo
) bad joke .. sometimes just being able to detach is enough of a start to the process of working to detaching with love. Keep coming back .. hugs p :)