Good morning to all of my brothers and sisters in Alalon . My children started school today. And now I have more time for me, if I was healthy that would be great but I'm not and I'm crying as I'm writing this and by all means I want no pity. . Most of you know me for my crazy rants and rage. September is a tough month for me it's has been for 3 years now. The finding out about my A affair meeting with the girl he was with for 1 1/2 I find out recently, my A is on step 9 that's re look over inventory and to make amends to ppl he harmed. I think I should be exsept from his list.. The affair was brought up the other day as a comparing me from her. He told me his reason why he strayed, that would still hurts why reopen it and add salt to it . Aka why does he need to go into extra details about it . I don't want to know that his feelings were stronger for her and the extra nice things he did for her and the fact that he new her better then me . He remembers when her birthday was but can't remember what's my middle name:: I discided not to do step 4 yet , I see a pysco therepist my A. found for me (( I'm not phyco )) for my PTSD that has appeared in his recovery, I been in Therepy for 2 months and just getting to the core of who I really am and new abuse has surfaced the nightmare I been having about being tied up and burned by my A and his A's and drowning in alcohol all have a link to my past. My brother was not a drinker growing up , now he's a alcoholic . but the control and abuse and neglect from parents abuse to protect me was never there. I realize it's me who has a problem and I didn't cause it , I just happen to be born in it, and allowed it to happen and accepted it and I can see how I became a co dependent I let ppl hurt me and use me and walk all over me that sucker who is born every day well that's me day after day I'm always being used and I want it to stop !!! This doesn't have much to do with the (ð»ð¸ð¹ð·) I have got use to not having any friends and being by myself and I mean by my self ( empty soul ) I see how I was manipulating now and I'm a shamed if it.. I would buy my friends gifts dinner drinks any thing they wanted just to keep them to like me.. And when I stopped doing that I never heard back from them. Being a co dependent is very Lonly and scary to no I'm alone . My A would say you have ME why do you need any one else, I'm thinking that's why I need some one else he tends to make matters worst honesty is the best policy they say - yes in some cases but it can hurt to . I don't need to know extra details about how I didn't average up to his girlfriend . I'm trying to heal get healthy make better choices and be happy that's my goal my plan, but I'm having a set back I'm off track again I do not like to point the finger at him but why is he bringing up new details and more harmful things he did to me that I didn't know or try to forget I thought step 9 is to do no harm no more damage and make amends to the ppl you harmed not recap of the extra stuff that was left out those left overs are affecting me in my recovery . I don't need a bright yellow sticky every where in the house to remind me to be honest with my self , did I get on my knees and pray today , or did I read my how to accept my HUSBAND book he bought , and slogans every where to . He states he just trying to help yes that might be the case but I take it QTIP way like I can't seam to do these small task my self and he feels the need to remind me . To me that's a form of control but I could be wrong. I know if I did that to him he would not like it. Bright pink sticky pads reminding him to get to a meeting or hey you working your program or are you FINE today . Do you feel like a drink . I'm not evil like that and I feel he should cut me a dam break and let my leash go so I have the chance to get better on my own I feel that he trying to knock me down in stead of support me. And for the love of Alalon please stop asking me when will I be better what step am I on and who am I . And when can we work on us and how much more time do you need to fix your self . And why are you going to Therepy 2 times a week now ... I told him because I'm not getting Better MR A . All the honesty and the questions are doing more harm to me then help. And asked him very kind and nice way. .to BACK the ....... OFF . So I can find my self and help my self alone , not with his assistants . How else do you ask some one to please leave my bubble and let me work my steps Suggestions ?

 

 

Ms C...((((Hugs))))...I know that you know that he isn't there yet and neither are you.  Where ever he is at in his program and how he manifests it is his way of doing it...I've been sober and in program for a long time and when I was doing what you say he is doing I wasn't considered sober I was just going to meetings.  My real sobriety started in Al-Anon where partly I learned compassion and empathy for the others I habitually hurt without even considering what I had done.  I also learned to stay out of other peoples recovery and how it was going unless I was asked to have a look and give some feedback.   That is what I did myself...that is what I continue to do.   You have been hurt in the past by his choices and actions a good boundary would be "do not bring that up again to me...take it to your sponsor and get a different response and reaction".

Alcoholics wet or dry with out program have no idea what recovery really is.   There is a part of the 9th step that specifically says "except when to do so would injure them or others".  He is violating that part of the program...he is reinjuring.  Its okay to let him know that you know.   

Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) 

Ms.

Its not up to him to let the leash go, Its up to you to break the schackles.

You are probably feeling he owes you an amends for cheating on you. Do you really expect that from such an illogical , still sick person. The X cheated on me and he never said he was sorry until I got strong and didnt need him and he knew that I was not faking it. When you show your vulnerablity and dependence on an alcoholic, they use it against you for control. They know they can manipulate you and make you feel bad about yourself. Sounds like he needs to keep the cycle of abuse going.

The other day you were looking for a child abuse website. Is he abusing you and the children physically?
If he is , there is no excuse for this and you must find help before he causes more damage to you and the kids. This is a serious issue that must be addressed before anything.

If your afraid of changing the status quo and feel if he is removed from the home this would cause you struggles, think about if any of you get seriously hurt. Nothing is worth living like that.

Alanon has a saying: First things first! Perhaps you cannot fully work your program until he stops harrasing you, sometimes there is a circumstance when the abuse needs to be dealt with first.

Prayers to you
Hugs, Bettina

9th step: became willing to make an amends Unless when to do so injure someone else .. in other words this amends reopened the wound and added additional emotional harm. the 9th step is the same in AA as it is in Alanon. I'm sorry you had to go through this again. Maybe reminding him of this would be learning for him. An amends is meant to heal not harm