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Well i've had a doozy of an event inside my program community and i'm beginning to think i should just stop trying to go to meetings or make friends in the program. i doubt i'll ever have a sponsor again though i earnestly want one. i should say up front that i am both an alanon and AA which is true for most of the women in our one Alanon meeting although there are a few who are not alcoholics, most notably a very controlling member who 'runs' the Alanon group and decides how the meetings are run on her own. i tried to encourage my alanon group..there's only one in my town.. to have group a conscience meeting and decide whether to have a format to any meetings besides reading books...nope. Then i asked if anyone wanted to start a step study group where we could work through the steps together in depth..Several people were intersted. Then today i learn that other members of the group have talked to each other outside the meetings and decided it violated the traditions to have both alcoholics and alanons in the same room and are starting their own step study on a day and time in conflict with several people's primary meeting. And the person who informed me of this said she was 'shutting it down' talking to me after she talked to my former AA sponsor who is sponsoring people in alanon without a sponsor of her own. i feel betrayed and rejected and worst of all i feel like i am unable to have any kind of program at all and i'm thinking about not going to any of these meetings again or talking to the women in them. i know this is long but i dont know what else to do and i'm feeling desperate, crushed, and i am thinking of giving up on the program entirely. i've got 35 years of sobriety in AA and 25 years in Alanon i moved here to find program after a year without it available and all i get is 'shut down.' my best friend in Alanon in another state says i have a lot of experience strength and hope to offer. But no one else seems to think so.
This sounds like a similar problem that this group has experienced in the past Sounds like a great deal of personalities above principles. I am really not clear as to what is going on. Is this group attempting to combine both AA and Alanon into one combined meeting or is this an alanon meeting that has double winner attending?
If this is an alanon meeting there are some rules about AA members holding office and participating in various roles. I would check with your area inter group for clarification. Meanwhile when you are speaking to inter group it might be helpful to discuss the possibility of setting up another meeting with a Step and Tradition format, to be held in a different location with yourself as the initial contact. Inter group could provide suggestions as to a meeting place and would be able to provide literature for a group format and they would also register your group for the meeting list
yes there is a lot of personalities before principles. There are many double winners in my Alanon group and i am one also. i am wanting to start an intensive women's step study group because i had never been able to really progress in the steps until i joined a 'private' womens step study where we met in each other's homes once a week and worked the steps together and continued to stay on each step until we all thought we had written and talked about each enough that we were ready to move on to the next step. So it wasnt a 'one step per week' kind of step meeting where we rotate through the 12 x 12 and any newcomer can start working the steps in the middle or end or whatever. i had been asking if people were interested in doing an in depth step study to talk to me after the meeting. i had not yet worked out when and where and how and was going to see if enough people were interested before we even started to talk about format etc. instead others talked to each other outside the meetings and decided to start their own regular step meeting on a day and time that conflicts with the day and time of another meeting for 3 of the members. So i have no one interested in doing it with ME apparently. They just want to start their own read the book, one step a week, meeting when i am excluded i guess along with 2 other AAs who cant go on the night they picked without asking me. it was how it was done that wounded me so badly. like they talked privately behind my back and decided to start a meeting i wasnt welcome at. This place i've moved to is truly bizarre. i think i'm going to have to get a car and start driving to another town for meetings. i dont drive well at night so not sure how safe it is but oh well. After hanging out here tonight i am calmer. Still hurt, especially by my former sponsor. i guess its now obvious why she's a former sponsor. Why couldn't someone have just asked me what i was proposing? i know. pointless question...because they're sick from alcoholism and no one knows how to work a program in alanon! is that any clearer? Am i making any sense? people seem to think i dont so i no longer trust what i say. Whatever happened to people being kind to each other in the group? Why would anyone continue to go to meetings if people cant at least be open and honest and tolerant to others in Alanon. So much for the program i guess.
CWYA...you might suggest a group inventory on a certain night and attend. You can invite the DR, GR, IR and others in service to attend. That is just a suggestion. All Al-Anon meetings which are not otherwise desiginated are "open" meetings. I am also a double and our meetings have membership from other 12 step programs and we have a closeness and deep respect for each other. Our primary purpose is to protect the meeting. Because we have a high tourist/visitor population we get more than our share of visitors. The all come and feel comfortable. I haven't been to a meeting of the "wills" in ages and currently that only goes on in my AA home group with just a few guys. It doesn't last long because when they try to use it the rest of the group goes beyond arms length with them...a detachment and they get the picture. Continue to look for the good that is available and hold up the attitude of gratitude for all of the help you have recieved up to now. You have time which to me means you are committed to your recovery. ((((hugs))))
Thank you jerry. never had heard of reps attending a group inventory. i can only imagine the reaction if i suggested a group inventory! i couldnt even get them to have a coherent group conscience on whether we should a format at our meetings. As someone said to me today, the traditions say we are not organized. i didnt tell her what i thought of that. i dont think the traditions say we should maintain chaos. if the group cant even grasp the point of the traditions--for group to survive so we can survive--how can i expect them to understand the concept that GC is a necessary part of a healthy meeting and that not having any meeting formats is confusing to newcomers. Dont know what will happen next. i feel like i'm ambushed every time i let down my guard and try to form bonds with people in the program.
I am so sorry to read of the loss of your son. I so understand the pain and grief involved in such a loss and urge you to be very gentle with yourself The 3As are awareness acceptance and action.
Thank you David for sharing your ESH I agree, working within the group to develop the format of a meeting in agreement with the Traditions is difficult at times but does work and is worth it.
I must say that I am still a little confused about the the meeting difficulties . As I understand it, the meeting has set up a Step Meeting that covers a Step a week and is being held on a day that you and a few others are on able to attend. The group also refuses to have group conscious meeting because they believe" The Traditions state that " meetings" should never be organized. I imagine this is their mistaken understanding of Traction 9 ( which states our groups should never be organized). I believe that I would not waste my time arguing and would definitely establish another group and set it up according to Alanon Principles and Traditions.
If you are considering an In depth" step study" meeting where the intention is to stay on a Step indefinitely until people are sure they have worked the Step and if the meeting is to be held at each other ' homes, and new comers might not be able to attend this could sound like an exclusive meeting where everyone is not invited. To me this sounds like a group of alanon friends getting together to discuss the Steps. If this is so then I would do it with the 2 people who cannot attend the other meeting. .
If I was interested in an in depth Step Study meeting I would find a meeting place in a Hospital , Church, or School and register with Inter Group and open the meeting to all. Maybe only one or two will show up but all you need to begin is one other person. The meeting will grow from there. When you have a few members then it is important to set up a format that is workable for all, and a day each month to have a Business meeting. This should work. I have started meetings and know that they do take off after a few months when word of mouth circulates.
Good Luck
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 4th of September 2013 08:37:47 AM
I had issues in my Alanon group which might be similar.
I am the GR more or less by default because double winners apparently can't be.
I got tired of using my sharing time to give notices. So I first asked for the manual to be read [privately] and to have 40 or 50 seconds at the beginning to issue these.
I also asked to have regular group meetings for business and conscience issues.
I received a lot of hostility and anger. Being a man my opportunity for gossip and criticism outside the meeting is limited. But I felt that a whole lot of that was going on...
I had to learn detachment in a brand new way.
Being on this forum is a great guide. It runs well, there is tolerance and courtesy.
Hi, C: You have received a lot of wisdom and knowledge here on steps you can take with the program dilemma you have experienced thus far. I'd like to throw in some musings that came to me as I read your share. First, I'm sorry that you've been hurt by members in a program who are forgetting their program. Secondly, I notice that you moved there but what I don't know (and maybe missed it) is how long ago? If you are fairly new to the group, my own thinking is that a pecking order is in place much as we wish that won't happen in Al-Anon, and the idea of something new being introduced by someone seen as a "newbie" to a group is being shut down right now because most humans react with a "no" to anything being introduced as new by someone they don't know well. Doesn't mean what you are proposing is out of step with Al-Anon principles, traditions and concepts - it might mean that the group feels threatened and is doing what human beings generally do when they're system is being challenged.
Betrayals hurt. When betrayals happen to me, I apply the 3 a's, and, I acknowledge that the betrayal(s) was orchestrated by my HP, and it is for my highest good. Something wonderful may be waiting for you over the horizon ((((hugs)))
Thanks guys for your support and kindness. You have allgiven me much to ponder. PP what are the 3 As? I am older and the trend toward abbreviation confuses me. I know the 3 Cs but not the As. Acknowledgement of powerlessness, aware of my own behavior, acceptance of other people's behavior, then detachment with love perhaps? I moved to this town 6 months ago. I've sat in meetings to learn my new recovery environment, shared my own ESH, tried to carry the message as I've known it over my 25 years without any success. I think you may be onto something grateful2be. This may indeed be the case that they feel threatened. All my new alanon acquaintances I can understand and think you're right about human reactions to change or new ideas. But my former AA sponsor and I have known each other 16 years. She is very new to Alanon (about a year) and I believe she is the source of this idea that my inquiry about starting a step group is contrary to the traditions. She has abandoned and betrayed my trust before X2 which is why she is an ex-sponsor. I aam also starting my "grief season" early this year over the death of my son. I am fighting despair but not sure I'm winning. I want to crawl into a hole and die. I have lost everyone I love so this new blow has pushed me very to the edge and I'm afraid I'm ggoing over the cliff emotionally. I really appreciate everyones caring and support here. Its all I have right now to keep me surviving. I think very much like where debilynn has described she was at a few weeks ago. I just need a reason to go on and cant seem to find one. I'm so tired of hurting I just want it to be over. I'm going to avoid meetings and meeting members for a while because they are just doing harm to me right now.
I am so sorry to hear that you have suffered such a profound loss in the death of your son. I can also see why Al-Anon and AA would both be your lifelines right now. Fellowship is so important to you now. As a stop gap measure until you create or find another group, we have on-line meetings twice a day and a chatroom, too. The information is at the top of the board. My experience here has been such a healing, supportive and positive one. Please keep coming back. (((CYWA))) I'm a Mom with a son who has this disease, too.
Hotro-- thanks for the suggestions. I have tried to set up a step meeting which is what got kidnapped by the other alanon/aa members. The other 2 members who cant attend on the day and time decided by the kidnappers arent interested in a new step meeting with me on a mutually convenient day and time. I guess some of the members had a business meeting privately(without me being invited) and decided on the day and time for "their" new step meeting. I live in a town where the groups are small so not enough members to support 2 step meetings. I guess I should give up having an alanon meeting and just stick with AA. This saddens me because most of my spiritual and emotional recovery took place in alanon not AA so I consider it my primary recovery group not my AA meetings. I'm an Alanon first and AA second. I realize that sounds weird. But I cant stay sober without alanon even though I've been in AA for 35 years mostly because of my many traumas and losses in the last 15 years. I have a fatal neuromuscular disease too and people are not willing to accept me as I am and love me where I'm at. I'm just so sad...
I understand and would like to second Grateful2be's suggestion that you checkout the on line meetings held here in the chat room 2xs a day You are welcome here, so please keep sharing and coming back
Oh, so many losses...I, too, am very sorry for all of them. I third the suggestion to attend the online meetings. In time, something else may present itself to you when you least expect it. Keep in touch...
Thank you PP, I just missed out on the meeting at 9 eastern which is 7am my time and I'm not exactly sure how to get to the online meetings and chat. I tried but not sure of my success since gotno response in chat. Can anybody help explain to a non-great functioning brain this morning.
I talked to someone today who said its not appropriate to talk about certain topics while working the steps. Childhood issues, grief and emotional problems should only be discussed with a therapist. Wow, glad these people weren't around when I was young. I'd be dead for sure. She didnt get what I was reacting to about the whole thing. As I said last night, the alanon members think saying 'This just isnt working for me . I'm shutting this down." is how to set a boundary when you dont want to talk with someone anymore. I find it harsh and hurtful. AmI being too sensitive? I cried all day yesterday and this is the only interaction I had with another person. I've got serious computer issues so may not get any responses.
