The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hi. Welcome to MIP. You didn't say anything about where the child was at the time of this outburst? With that said, I am glad you are in Al-Anon. I won't tell you what to do. I will share my E/S/H with you. I learned that I couldn't live with a person who went into rages. Too upsetting to me.
I also learned that by ignoring myself and how I felt by numbing out in these types of explosions set me up for physical abuse that I did end up experiencing. I have learned not to engage with anybody who is going into a rage in my presence for any reason. It only adds fuel to the fire and can explode onto me. By separating myself from people who go into rages - dry or not - I have regained the peaceful type of existence I want for myself. Lots of encouragement and support as you continue to decide what you want to do for you in this relationship. Keep coming back.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 3rd of September 2013 03:11:12 PM
This is my first post to this forum. I have been working a alanon/coda program for the past two plus years on and off again. I have recently been working my program hard by going to meetings, studying the steps and praying and meditating, basically making sure I take care of myself every day. I have been with my live in boyfriend for three plus years and by the grace of God, I somehow found the program and started taking a hard look at myself while in this relationship. My partner has been dry for eight months, he has add and takes no medicine, he has serious anger issues. This past weekend, I told him he needed recovery, a program to get better, I know I shouldn't have taken his inventory, but it is the truth. So after that, I dropped it and we had plans to take his sixteen year old son and go to a family party. I asked him to go check his sons room before we left to clean it or ask the boy to clean it. I heard a bunch of loud noises and I went to investigate, he had gotten angry because it was dirty(it's always dirty..nothing had changed) and he broke a bowl and hit the door and broke a hole in it. He angrily told me to go back upstairs. I did and went in my room for twenty minutes. When I came out I asked him if he could fix the door. He told me in a week. I told him that I would prefer if he did it that day. So he did. He had already decided not to go to the family party.He informed me the next day that he wants to start drinking during the football games? I told him I didn't think it was a good idea because of his add and anger. I told him the next day, that if he drinks or acts out I am leaving the house or if he acts out in a store I will walk away from him. I need to take care of me, I don't want to sit with people while they are drinking. The day all this happened I had just decided to take on a sponsor, but feel now I am not ready, it's all I can do just to go the meetings. Every sponsor I pick tells me to leave him, or tries to tell me what to do. I guess my question is the behavior, we both have alcoholic behaviors from our family of origin even when we are sober? and why? was it conditioned into us as children? He's dry and I swear if you saw him in a store you would think he was drunk. I have gotten a lot better with my own behavior with my spirituality and my program, but I still have work to do. Sometimes its hard to detach from his behaviors, because he blames everyone for his problems, rages, gets angry. I love him, I know I can't fix him, I won't leave him, but how do I find serenity and stay with him?
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
...I think the steps are there for a reason... I really think for me the first three steps should be done inside of the group. It really does help us to bond, to identify and to trust. Then it is time to pick and choose and get a good sponsor.
Well, you already said "I won't leave him" so you have to work from there.
If you won't leave him, then you have to learn to live with the behaviors. That means a big dose of detachment. You have already stated to the A, this is what I believe you have to do. He knows your position. No need to tell him again. You also stated to him your boundaries if he begins to drink during football season. So you need to follow thru with that. No more lip service , need to do the action.
No sponsor should ever tell a member to leave his or her husband. Take your time and find another sponsor.
Only thing you can change and have power over is your behaviors. How do you know your spouse is dry or drinking?
We don't.! It's none of our business.
We have to practice staying in our own lane and using the tools of Alanon. Stick with your HP and practice detaching.
Thank you all for your replies :) Thank you Bettina :) I am planning on following through with everyone of them, for my own serenity. I realize I do have power over myself and my own decisions, about where I am going to be..what I am going to do..tolerate...I never knew this that I had any power....until I started working this program. This program does work, but it's hard self work...and it's hard to change these habits. I now have weeks at a time of serenity, where in the past I was lucky to have hours or even minutes. It is a slow process though and sometimes I wish it were quicker.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
One last thing it may be hard to find a sponsor though, because I have had five now( in the past three years) and they always try to tell me what I need to do about my family or to leave my partner. I accept it though, but I end them sponsoring me... I know we are all codependent to some degree that is why we are in alanon. I'm just going to relax, keep going to my meetings, and hope the right sponsor comes up. If it's gods will, she will and if not I will keep working the program myself.
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I needed these behaviors in my past they helped me survive I'm finding new and better ways to not just survive but thrive
WElcome to the group ...Since U have made up your mind to stay w/this boyfriend, I would suggest you get in meetings...work the steps, by yourself, if u cannot find sponsor as yet, and read the literature and also the slogans....working the steps and meetings will help you learn DETACHMENT....Detachment will be the hallmark of your being with him
As the EX of 2 Alkie husbands, husb. #1 had anger issues....the drinking progressed and he got worse, also with his anger and the anger turned into physical abuse....I ended up leaving and have not looked back...My 2nd husb. was a sweetheart but I wanted recovery for both of us and we split b/c I wanted recovery, he wanted to continue drinking
First your b.f. will drink on football games, then it will escalate if he is not in active program, AA....the drinking will bring out his anger that he already has, but the booze will take away any inhibitions of that anger and U R at high risk of being assaulted...This is not fiction, this is fact...IF he does not get into recovery
So...To stay as safe as you can, I urge you to work your program, detach from him, don't try to fix or change him b/c it won't work...Just work on you....work on your recovery and your program and make your life your program and keeping yourself safe....I wold also , for safety precautions , I would also have the names and tel #s of Domestic violence shelters in case you have to "run last minute" out of there, the fact that he punched a door and was aggressive with his 16 year old tells me he is a ticking bomb w/out help....So, back to you and protecting you...I would have these numbers in my purse for quick reference when needed, also I would figure out what way I can get out of the house if he is angry and blowing up , what escape route can I use..
When he is in anger mode, I would just detach...let go...detach...stay in my side of the street and no NOT engage him....
DEtachment means that U R letting go of any concept of controlling him, advising him, you are letting him live his life as he wants, U stated your boundaries, those boundaries won't work if you don't stand to them, so I would not tell him "if you do so and so, I am going to do such and such" if I am not real serious and real sure I will follow through....a boundary is only as good as the person backing that boundary up
I wish you well in this...I hope for the sake of his son and you that he gets into recovery b/c things could get dangerous if the drinking starts up and begins to progress....Drinking is progressive...it may start out w/the games, then its more and more...it is a progressive disease...the addiction gets more, never less....what got him "a buzz" last week will fade and he will need more to get "high" on , and , also for alkies, some of them get kinda stimulated when drinking adn they are easily angered and upset....AND can get really aggressive...
If this goes on, he will begin to lose jobs, get DUI's with the police, things will get worse...his health will go down.....but all of that is his life..his choice...you can only change and help you.....and program , for you, is essential if you want him this badly, you won't stand a chance w/out the program
Like I said...I am done with that road....I want peace and harmoney...I want to be an equal with any potential mate, I want to feel safe and comfortable around him, be able to discuss stuff w/out any crazy outbursts.....Oh I remember the broken doors, smashed chairs, broken dishes....I lived in a constant state of shock....I walked on egg shells so as to not make him mad.....then, finally one day I found a cute little rental, I was honest w/the landlady, and she could relate to my situation and offered me the place rent free while I fixed up the fence and the yard
I packed my stuff and I remember my first night away from him.....I could make noise, play with my dog, play my music, watch my tv, and NO screaming and anger and scary outbursts...No more waiting for the other shoe to drop...for me it was OVER......NOONE bullying me or controlling me b/c I was too afraid to make him mad......I will never live like that again
I do hope U can find literature and meetings and work the steps....detachment is going to be your best chance of coping with this.....and I hope U learn it good and quickly...
I also would read Bettina's and Grateful's posts again.....I have read their posts enough to know that they have "been there--done that" as I have...
I have been where u r at and yea, I got so numbed out avoiding HIS anger, that I lost me...I urge you to prioritize your program and your personal safety.....
Good luck to you...
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I don't know your situation, but if I were your sponsor and saw you getting abused while asking "how do I learn to live with this?", my response would also eventually be "you don't have to live with it."
Not sure if that is what's going on here but food for thought.
Aloha Karma you're doing good. Some of the boundaries you have put up in front of the alcoholic are what my spouse put up in front of me. I am a double If and when I drink I become quadrupled (lol). Alcoholism is a pretty well known condition and my spouse was married to one as I was also and too we come from familial alcoholism...Soooo we know and we know that we know...her boundaries are not as impenetrable as mine...She says if you drink I leave; my awareness is that if I drink I die. I love having her here so....
The Al-Anon slogan "Take what you like and leave the rest" was the best buffer I could have ever received from the start of program. It gave me margin and mercy and permission that I didn't have to do it all, all the way they said and all at one time. It's like I got instructions on how to eat elephant stew...one bite at a time and so that is what I did. I didn't accept or follow all the stuff the program was telling me at first or what my sponsorship was either and they respected that. My early sponsor (Al-Anon) told me I was going to have to get away from all things alcohol and it was how that was said that later on I could see he was right on...If I remained within the active drinking and using; inside my natural family, friends and marriage I was without doubt a goner. And then I did the break and he was right on even considering that he didn't know everything about me (alcoholic also) or my journey in life up to the doors of the program. The suggestion however was right on...it still is even as I compare my life today with most of what I read here and get from my meetings. Take what you like and leave the rest leaves the responsibility up to you; both the choice and the consequence and that is what program is all about. "Just remember that we all come from broken places" was a great acceptance lesson for me.
You have lots of awareness from your recovery and the recoveries of others. I listen with my eyes and so have always compared what I've heard with what I saw...In the family disease of alcoholism that skill can and does keep you alive...I'm still here and the point is if you listen to the stories of the winners in the rooms...those whose stories you know, the before and the afters and the afters are what it is that you want go do what they do. That is what I have done all my life in the program. "I want what you guys have"!! I would cry and then I would hear, "you have to do what we do". I didn't want to leave my wife and the disease was telling me that if I didn't it would take us both. I didn't want to leave my wife and what I was honestly learning was that my part was making it worse and dangerous to both of us. I didn't want to leave my wife and then came the inventory where I married her when I didn't want to and for the wrong reasons....Who else would consciously marry and active alcoholic/addict who didn't want to marry him except a man who thought he could fix her by teaching her the right way to drink? Who else. Either I left her or I killed her in one of many ways. Who else would tell the alcoholic/addict that he didn't think she was alcoholic which would send her back out for another 5 year run on booze and drugs? All of the new awarenesses of why it was best that I be away from her came later from inside the rooms and within my sponsorship. It's all hindsight awareness. My Al-Anon sponsor told me that when and where I found out that I had made an error and mistake in the past that was causing me touble in the future that it was imperative that I correct it as quickly as I was able and so the mistake I made I corrected. I left the marriage and put the focus on myself mostly. I didn't do relationships well before I got that sponsor.
Besides being Alcoholic I am also ADD and ODD...The first one causes me not to focus and the second one causes me to defiantly oppose what it was that I was taught. I don't hit doors or break ceramic ware. I hit people and because of this program and my sponsorship and the decrease of ADD and ODD I have not done that for a long while. Today my manta regarding acting out is "There is no justification for violence" and I follow thru on that daily. My head thinks it my hands, feet and body don't follow thru. I believe that your husband is ODD also with some part of his value system which tells him he ought not violate other living things. Believe me when I say that that prejudice and bias is very very thin. In an act out testosterone and adrenalin are my drugs of choice and I become more prone to be a danger to myself and others. If I was with your husband I would ask him if he has ever "redded" out I blacked out under the influence of alcohol and would red out under the influence of testosterone and adrenalin. Do you need all this information? Just to keep you awake and safe. You have made the choice to be with and stay with an alcoholic personality with other disabilities. You get the consequences. The suggestion to "leave" him is just one suggestion, there are others and there are variations...listen and learn...continue to reach out. You have good time and willingness still and that is awesome. For me that was when my head nodded more up and down than side to side and I desired to know more cause I was getting more. Stay with us and your groups. You know as we know; he is wanting and planning to drink. The act out is about that and not an untidy room. His tiger has woken up and is pacing inside of his guts. I send a prayer up for him and hope that if and when he reaches the bottom he will not be alone and surrounded by AA fellowship. Take care of yourself of course. If you dont' have you, you have nothing. When others feel concern for you and your situation do not walk away...allow us and others to be concerned. We know how your shoes fit. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
You asked us the question and have received wise responses. In the beginning, my arrogance had me doing my recovery my way. It did not work. I was unable to find serenity and live with him. Can one find serenity sitting on a ticking time bomb? I don't know. I don't believe in this lifetime I could accomplish it. Your choices don't matter; you do. It sounds like you have had some great insights through your program....I wish you well.
