The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
May fall offer you all not only the cooler temps and teh beautiful foliage turning brilliant colors, but may upcoming new season offer you all proof of how much you have grown in the program...
I know after going AWOL I had to work to get me back on track , but I am doing it...that weekend that I took off from boards and hunkered down with my AA good mate, brought me a great deal of wisdom and new goals to work on.....
so for fall, I have goals....
by ACTING AS IF, my goal is to love me and treat me like the ones who love and respect me do..to ACT AS IF I really love me...accept me AS IS...honor me as the person I am, right now
continue for life to work my program, the steps, meetings, MORE phone convos w/my recovery mates and more step 4 worksheet stuff...
by being mindful..practicing mindfulness...practicing breathing and staying in my breath...staying in my meditations, staying in the present moment, staying WITH and IN ME
by giving over and over until it no longer is anything but a dim memory...giving over the anger and resentment of the past and anything present that comes to offer me more "excuse" to feel anger and resentment................one BIG breakthrough re: D#2......yes, I was disappointed, but it was easier to turn her over to HP...to pray for her and tell my HP, YES...I am WILLING to give this child from whom I must distance myself from IN LOVE over to HP and LET HER GO to HP's loving , teaching arms.......I saw that I accepted my powerlessness....I saw that for a while I was in pain, but I was willing to let go..give it over....remit her to HP and I am "ok" today...eager to work out and watch some good movies, I dvr'd BIG breakthrough for me........I no longer want to "hold onto" pain, resentments, anger....I want to give it UP....so practice makes for more peace
by giving over other things over which I have no power....my work situation....I will keep giving over the fear and frustration.....visualize myself w/enough income to take good care of me....
by continuing to eat right, exercise and do my mind work
Another goal is to do more phone work w/my recovery mates...yes, these boards are great, but I am gonna put my eggs in more baskets....more one on one work w/my AA and alanon mates whom I knew when we were young..and who are working their programs.....more step work and sharing over the phone with them...
Goals...Goals to be a better, healthier, happier, more integrated ME.....
Thanks for letting me share
-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 2nd of September 2013 02:02:39 PM
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thanks Nesherna for posting this. There is such a part of me that still fights the positives .. I have never quite thought of letting others go (to hp) .. I fight so much of hps will sometimes .. but the clarity is coming; my higher power understands things Much better than me; is compassionate, caring, kind, simple, serene, wise, etc .. Does it make sense to fear so much good still ? I don't know why I do it .. or how to do it different some days and yet I've only just begun this morning in fact to ask myself this honest question: Who do I truthfully want to be. Do I want to be the kind of person who carries so many resentments, lack of forgiveness, coldness, jealousies, insecurities, etc., deep down I know the answer to this. Asking myself even is huge progress for me personally because I'm actually giving it deep, genuine, and reflective, honest thought. I've been so angry for so long because there is still the pain in the process of healing. Seeing it all has its own process: fear, pain, hurt, resentments, forgiveness, etc.
I love your picture; I can see the happy and it gives me hope that someday my smile can be just as genuine .. I have a great recovery and yet I'm not always happy. I'm still in the transformation from survival to recovery but much further than I used to be .. yet if I'm honest, I do know I have experienced the joy as well from time to time. There is so much freedom in it. Smiling, however, is still hard for me. I never was able to smile without a million comments or being told to smile from the moment I woke to the moment I went to bed. Nobody kept the focus on them growing up; It got to the point where I wanted to be invisible after awhile; the focus was all on me and no one was focused in their thinking lol and yet I do know I wouldn't change a thing because I'm gaining so much, even if its painful. I know there will be more joy in my future. I guess what I'm seeing is underneath it all I Do have gratitude. I may not always be happy when I'm in it but I'm grateful because I have hope for the days to come.
